


if you're not made for me, why did we fall in love?

by aldeeraan



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Desk Sex, F/M, Force Bond, Mentions of past child abuse, Professor Ren, That's Not How The Force Works, Virgin Ben Solo, Virgin Rey, and fluff, and there can't be a story if there isn't angst between these two space babies, convenient use of the force in a modern setting, i couldn't pick one so why not all?, nothing happens until rey is of age, smut has arrived, there is no underage relationship- Ben wants none of that, there will be smut, yes they can use the force, yes this is a soulmate/foster family/ professor ren au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-06-11 07:55:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 54,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15310944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aldeeraan/pseuds/aldeeraan
Summary: Rey had been in love with her foster father’s nephew for as long as she could remember. Ben Solo had harboured the rare soulmate mark on his inner wrist. Rey, however, did not. Meaning he was made for someone else but why did she still continue to feel this irrevocable pull to a man who didn’t belong to her? A pull which seemed to continue to exist years after she was ripped from the only place she has ever called home.





	1. 2007 (12 years old)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes this is a foster cousin, soulmate, and professor ren au. I couldn't make up my mind on what I wanted to write so I just decided to throw all the tropes in there.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy it.
> 
> Come pester me on tumblr- aldeeraan
> 
> Title of this fic comes from the song 'fear of the water' by SYML

Leia flung open the front door, eager to meet her new niece. Not a biological niece but Luke and Mara’s new foster daughter. Leia was delighted when Luke had told her the news that they were to become foster parents. Luke and Mara always wanted children but unfortunately had met too late for them to conceive a biological child. She had been waiting eagerly for weeks until the papers were finalised. And now Luke stood on her porch with a small, slightly gangly girl tucked behind his leg.

 

“Hello, Rey. I’m Leia, Luke’s sister,” Leia spoke softly to the girl, hoping for some kind of headway. Luke smiled at Leia, his eyes full of apologies. Leia waved him off, she hadn’t expected the girl to be comfortable around her yet anyway.

 

“Rey, I baked some cookies this morning for us all to have. Would you like to have one?” This got her attention and Leia couldn’t help but smile. Rey poked her head around from Luke’s back and gave a timid nod. Luke placed a hand on Rey’s shoulder and guided her into the home after Leia.

 

Leia watched as Rey looked around the house in amazement. Rey skipped around the living room, picking up things as she went. Leia was amused and somewhat saddened that this young girl, at twelve years old, found so much fascination with things that Leia would’ve considered essentials. Rey would pick up things from candles to pictures frames, study them with her eyebrows furrowed, shrug and place them back in their spot. What kind of things had this poor child been through before this?

 

“She’s quite entertaining,” Luke chuckled from beside Leia.

 

“She’s something else,” Leia agreed- she loved her already. "The cookies are in the kitchen, Rey!"

 

Rey wandered into the kitchen and reluctantly grabbed a cookie.

 

“Did they say anything about where she came from?” Leia asked as she watched Rey shovel the cookie into her mouth. Her cheeks puffed up as she attempted to chew.

 

“Not much, just that her parents were drunks. They would leave her alone for days at a time as they got wasted on the streets. The authorities got a hold of them when they tried to sell her,” Luke explained gravely and Leia gasped.

 

Leia could never understand how someone could do that to a child. Ben was the most important thing to Leia and she couldn’t imagine a life without him- despite him telling her constantly that he didn’t belong in this family. He was going through his teenage years she kept telling herself (even though he was now twenty-one). She prayed that he was just taking longer to grow out of it than the other kids his age.

 

She remembered their fight this morning, when she had told him that he was going to meet his foster cousin today. He had grunted and told her that she wasn’t _his_ cousin. He still hadn’t come down from his room which meant he wasn’t planning on it anytime soon.

 

Between his studies and him constantly sketching alone in his room, Leia barely saw him during the day. He would only come out to eat or go to college. She was quietly thankful that he had chosen to go to Coruscant University. She was always under the impression that he would try to be out of their lives as soon as possible.

 

Leia continued to watch Rey look timidly around the house, deciding it was best to let the girl explore on her own. Rey stopped at the bottom of the stairs and craned her neck to try and catch a glimpse of the second floor.

 

“Rey, honey, you can go up there if you like.” Leia smiled tenderly.

 

Rey considered her for a moment before she nodded and skipped up the steps, two at a time.

 

“I think she’s going to be just fine.” Leia turned to Luke who was sitting on the couch beside her.

 

“I think so too,” Luke hummed while stroking his beard in thought.

 

* * *

 

Rey tiptoed through the large house. She had never seen anything like it. It wasn’t like her home… _old_ home, at all. Everything in here was colourful, warm, clean. Her old house was filthy, the windows boarded up, and the was an awful smell that Rey could never find the source of.

 

She didn’t miss her old home, not really. She missed her parents, despite how awful they were to her. After all, they were her parents.

 

Rey ran her fingers along the shiny furniture as she passed them. The photos on the wall grabbed her attention. She noticed Leia immediately. Next to her stood a man with a lopsided smirk, his arm wrapped around her. A teenaged boy with messy black hair stands with his shoulders slumped. He looked as though he was displeased that he was having his photo taken but the hint of a smile played at his lips. They looked happy, something that Rey could never fathom. She never had this with her parents, she doesn’t even have a photo of them.

 

She continued down the hallway when she was met by a closed door. She could hear music, very loud music coming from inside. The sort of music that made Rey’s ears ring. Her father used to sometimes play similar music. Rey cocked her head to consider the options she had. She could knock, or she could just walk away, or she could just enter. She raised her hand to the handle and her curiosity got the better of her. She opened it without a warning.

 

Her eyes immediately fell to man sitting on his bed, slouched over with a pen in his hand. He looked up at her and Rey realised that he wasn’t as old as she had originally thought. He looked like a teenager, but older than in the photo in the frame. His hair was slightly longer and he wasn’t so skinny. The man's… _boy’s_ brows knitted together as he took her appearance in.

 

Rey suddenly felt two feet tall underneath his heavy gaze. She became aware of her ridiculous outfit- her colourful tights clashed with the pattern of her oversized t-shirt which hung below her knees.

 

“Who are you?” Rey demanded, the heat in her cheeks increasing.

 

“Me? Who are you and what are you doing in my room?” The boy’s nose scrunched up in clear distaste and annoyance.

 

“I’m Rey,” she answered defiantly.

 

Her chin raised and her arms folded across her chest.

 

“Oh, I expected you to be-” He drifted off in thought. To be what?

 

“Younger?” she tested.

 

“A boy.”

 

“Huh?” Rey crinkled her eyebrows in confusion. A what?

 

“With a name like that, what else am I meant to expect?” He shrugged.

 

“I’m a girl, thank you very much,” she bit back defensively.

 

A part of her had always been insecure about her appearance. Her skinny legs and sunken cheeks made her appear younger, and there was no other way to describe it other than, she looked like an eight-year-old boy. Her mother often told her that it was a shame she wasn’t prettier. That she clearly didn’t get her mother’s genes. Rey knew she was right. Her mother was gorgeous. She had piercing blue eyes, her face perfectly in proportion to her button nose. She could have been a model if it weren’t for the drugs that had slowly started to eat away at her body.

 

“Yeah mom said you were but I thought I misheard her.” He blinked at her.

 

“Maybe if you didn’t have your music so loud, you’d be able to hear,” she retorted without missing a beat. Rey noticed something flash across his face- amusement? Whatever it was, it was soon replaced by a look of irritation.

 

“Very funny. How old are you? Five?” Rey felt her cheeks grow hot again.  

 

“I’m twelve,” she said in a fact-of-fact tone.

 

“Huh.” He breathed as he considered her for a moment.

 

“What?” she snapped.

 

“Nothing,” he said quickly and returned to his work.

 

 Rey continued to stare at the peculiar boy as he delicately ran his pen over the paper. He was odd but there was something about him that she liked. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

 

“You didn’t say your name,” she said after a moment.

 

“What?” His head snapped up at her. “Oh, it’s Ben.”

 

“Ben,” she said quietly, testing it out. She liked it, it suited him.

 

“Do you have any other music?” she asked before she stepped across the threshold to his room. His lips formed into a line but he didn’t say anything.

 

“I don’t play Beyoncé if that’s what you’re asking.” Rey sensed a playful tone in his voice. Was it meant to be a joke, was he mocking her? Maybe she would have found it funny if she knew what he was talking about.

 

“Who’s Beyoncé?” Rey frowned.

 

“Who is Beyoncé? Are you kidding me? Do you live under a rock?” he asked in shock, his tone mocking.

 

Ben must have sensed Rey’s embarrassment because he grimaced and looked away quickly.

 

“Fine. What kind of music do you like?” he asked and hopped up from his bed.

 

It was the first time that Rey had seen how tall he actually was. He had to be almost two of her. She wondered where he got his height from because it sure as well wasn’t from Leia or Luke.

 

Ben made his way over to a bookcase in the corner of the room. It was stacked high with CDs and books.

 

“I don’t know.” Rey hesitated before she shyly walked over to his side.

 

She glanced up at the cases, none of them were familiar to her. She slid her finger tips over the titles, looking for anything which may appeal to her. Her fingers stopped on a case in the middle of the stack.

 

“What about this one?” she asked, biting her lip nervously. Half worried that she had made a ridiculous request.

 

“Go ahead.” He nodded, encouraging her to pull it from the shelf.

 

She carefully removed from in between the others and inspected the artwork on the front. It was a bizarre picture which she couldn’t quite make out. Her nimble fingers cracked it open and she glanced over at the CD player.

 

“Can you? I don’t know how to-” She stood in front of the machine, completely bewildered. Her father never let her touch the one at home.

 

Ben’s face softened and he moved towards her to take the disc from her hands. The sleeve of his plaid shirt slipped up his arm, revealing a small green smudge on his wrist. Rey tried to figure out what is was but he moved to too quickly for her to get a proper look. She shrugged it off as paint from his art.

 

Ben placed the disc in the player and slowly pressed the buttons. Deliberately permitting her enough time to memorize what he was doing. He hit one last button and the music began to fill the room. It was similar to the one he was playing earlier but this one was softer, calmer.

 

“Oooh I like this one a lot better,” she said as she bopped her head along to the beat.

 

“Not a bad choice, kid.” The corner of his mouth lifted in an almost smile.

 

It made her happy that she had almost made the sourpuss crack a smile. Rey noted that it would be her first mission- to make Ben laugh.

 

“Will you quit calling me that? I’m not a kid.”

 

“I’m sorry, kid but that’s exactly what you are,” he sighed and dropped back onto his bed.

 

“Can I, uh, stay? Just for a little while?” she asked timidly. What in the world had possessed her to ask that, she’ll never know…

 

He stared at her for what felt like too long before he nodded. “Uhm, yeah. Sure. Whatever, I don’t care.” He shrugged and returned to his art. “Just don’t break anything.” 

 

“I’m not going to,” she grumbled.

 

The two sat in silence. Rey originally sat on the end of his bed, taking in his room properly for the first time. It was plain, except for the occasional poster stuck on the wall. Ben continued to draw like she wasn’t there. His untidy hair fell into his eyes, hiding his face from Rey but she could see him bite his bottom lip in concentration.

 

“What are you drawing?” she questioned in attempt to break the deafening silence.

 

“It’s calligraphy,” he answered shortly, continuing to sketch.

 

“What’s that?” she snorted and leaned closer to him to try and get a better look.

 

Ben pulled the sketchpad back slightly, clearly not wanting her to see.

 

“This,” he said and Rey rolled her eyes.

 

“Well it’s beautiful,” she spoke truthfully.

 

She only had gotten a glimpse but the writing on the page was stunning.

 

“Thanks,” he muttered and Rey noticed the shade of pink his ears had become as they poked through his hair.

 

“No problem,”  She smiled at him.

 

“Rey, it’s time to go!” Luke called from downstairs and she snapped her head to the source of the noise.

 

She sighed and rolled off of Ben’s bed. She wasn’t quite ready to go yet. She was making progress with Ben and for some reason she enjoyed his company. She had never had a friend before.

 

Rey stopped in the doorway and turned back to Ben, “See ya.”

 

“Bye, Rey. Welcome to this fucked up family.” He mused and she gave him a questioning look. What does that mean? This family seemed perfect to her.

 

She skipped down the stairs as she tried to figure Ben out. He seemed sad and angry. Not at her but at the world. That’s when it hit her. The reason why she liked this strange boy so much was that was lonely too. Just like she was. In that moment, Rey made a promise to herself- neither of them would ever have to alone again.

 

* * *

 

 

A week later Luke and Mara had invited Leia and Ben over for dinner. It was the first time Rey had seen them since she visited Leia’s home.

 

Rey sat nervously on the couch, watching the front door, jumping whenever she heard a car door. Why was she so anxious? They were just Luke’s family… _her family_. Ah, that’s why.

 

A soft rapt on the door caused Rey to burst from her seat and sprint to answer it. Her eyes met Leia’s immediately and the small woman pulled her into a hug. Rey melted into her embrace before reluctantly pulling back. She stepped aside so that Leia could enter and twisted her head so that she could see Ben.

 

Sure enough, there he stood, in black jeans and undershirt, and an unbuttoned plaid shirt. He was wearing his typical scowl and his unkempt hair hung loosely over his eyes. He appeared to be holding some type of cake and it looked delicious. Rey beamed at him as he watched her with a weary gaze.

 

“Hey kid,” he greeted, pushing past her to enter the house.

 

Rey watched him, shaking her head as she shut the door.

 

The five of them sat in awkward silence around the dinner table. The sound of chewing breaking through the stillness every now and then. Rey was seated next to Leia and Ben across from her.

 

“So when does Han get back?” Luke asked from the head of the table.

 

“He’s unsure when the job will be finished.” Leia took a sip of her wine and flattened out her pants.

 

“Typical,” Ben muttered and Rey looked at him, confused.

 

“Your father is very busy, Ben,” Leia said with irritation in her tone.

 

“Too busy to visit his family once in a while? Too busy to visit his wife on their anniversary? Or how about how he’s so busy every year that he can’t visit his own son on his birthday?” Ben raised his voice slightly and Rey noticed how his grip tightened on his knife and fork. His knuckles turned white against the strain. 

 

“That’s enough, Ben,” Leia demanded. 

 

“No. This happens every time we try to talk about it. He’s no good for you and he’s a terrible father.” Ben almost shouted as he threw his cutlery onto the table. 

 

“Don’t talk about your dad like that!” Luke yelled and Mara flinched in her chair across from him. 

 

“He’s not my dad. He never was and you know that he never wanted to be. I was the mistake that shouldn’t have happened.” Ben pushed up from the table.

 

He now stood slightly bent over. His fists clenched by his sides. 

 

“That’s not true,” Leia whispered in shock.

 

“Isn’t? I heard you whisper about me behind closed doors, when you thought I wasn’t listening. I was a kid, mom, no kid should have to hear the things you said about me. I wasn’t a monster; I was a lost child who had no parents!” Ben yelled and his voice cracked when he spoke the last words. 

 

“Ben.” Leia reached her hand out to him but it was too late, he had already stormed out of the room.

 

There was a shattering sound and the sound of the door slamming shut. Rey found herself fixed to her chair, fear making her too anxious to move. Her eyes scanned the table. Leia sat beside her, her face visibly pale. Luke had his jaw clenched and his fist on the table. Mara seemed to be a mix of hurt and anger.

 

_I wasn’t a monster; I was a lost child who had no parents!_

 

The words rung in her ears. She knew what that felt like. Maybe Ben was right. This family that appeared perfect from the outside, was actually splintering and fractured almost beyond repair.

 

And then some part of her felt pain that wasn’t hers, like a phantom pain. Her hand ached as though someone had just run a knife over her skin. Something that Rey couldn’t explain caused her to rise up from the table. It was almost although a thread became wrapped around her heart and tugged.

 

“Rey, don’t.” She could hear Luke call after her as she marched out of the room.

 

Rey followed the imaginary string which seemed to bind the two of them. She heard quiet sobs before she saw him. She cocked her head to the side, trying to follow the sound of his tears. She finally spotted him curled over on himself inside the nook of a tree. His knees were folded against his chest while his head was buried in his lap. His right hand rested limply over his knee, crimson blood dripped onto the grass.

 

Rey let out a silent whimper at the state of his hand. Composing herself, she slid down the trunk of the tree to sit next to him cross-legged. His weeping stopped but he doesn’t raise his head to look at her. Rey sat uncomfortably beside Ben, picking at the blades of grass.

 

They remained in silence for what felt like an eternity as the sun began to set over the horizon. Unexpectedly, Rey felt like she could breathe again, like the crushing pain in her chest had begun to ease. She turned her head to see that Ben had finally uncurled himself and was now glaring at his palm. Her eyes catch the green mark on his inner wrist again.

 

 “What’s this on your wrist?” she questioned as she pointed towards the mark.

 

“It’s nothing,” he snapped and flipped his arm over.

 

“It’s not nothing. I’ve never seen it before.” Rey’s eyebrows knitted together.

 

He sighed and looked at her for a moment, “I was born with it but it used to be duller, almost yellow.”

 

“That’s weird.” Rey scrunched her nose up playfully.

 

“Yup. And it’s not even the weirdest thing about me,” he quipped.

 

Was that supposed to be a joke?

 

He twisted his arm so that his palm was facing the sky. He considered it for a moment before Rey became more curious.  

 

“But what does it mean?”

 

“It’s the soulmate mark.” He shrugged like it was nothing. Like those words were supposed to mean something to her.

 

“A what?”

 

He sighed like it was going to be too much of an effort to explain to her. She gave him a defiant look, as though she wasn’t going to leave until he explained himself.

 

“Soulmate mark. If you have one, it’s on your dominant arm. It essentially means that there is another person out there who is basically made for me. We are two halves of a whole. Pretty much destined to be together. It’s foolish and overrated.”

 

“I think it’s beautiful,” she admitted.

 

Rey pulled up the sleeve of her jumper and inspected her own wrist but she already knew that she didn’t have the mark. She doesn’t have it anywhere on her body, she would’ve noticed something like that.

 

“I don’t I have one, does that mean I’ll never find someone like that?” she asked sadly.

 

She’ll be alone, like always.

 

His eyes met hers and his face softened at her statement.

 

“It’s very rare. It’s an anomaly to have one. And don’t be silly, Rey. You don’t need a stupid mark to care for someone. It doesn’t mean anything at the end of the day. A smudge on your wrist doesn’t tell you who you’re meant to love.”

 

“What if I am alone forever?” She felt a single tear roll down her cheek.

 

“You’re not alone,” he promised with no uncertainty in his voice. He meant it.

 

“Neither are you,” she responded, her words unwavering.

 

They sat side by side and watched as the sun disappeared behind the trees.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A transcript of my inner monologue while writing this...
> 
> "Yay I've finally finished my 65K fic."
> 
> "Awesome, now you can write that soulmate au that you always wanted to write...and that professor Ren au... and that foster cousin au."
> 
> "No. No. It's not meant to work like that. I purposely finished the fic in time to go back to uni."
> 
> "But professor Ren"
> 
> "No. I promised I wouldn't write a multi chapter fic while I was studying."
> 
> "But there's three different stories you want to write."
> 
> "I don't have the time."
> 
> "Well, you could, uh, combine them."
> 
> "Genius."


	2. 2009 (14 years old)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a time jump here. 
> 
> WARNING: This chapter has a death in it, starts from the third break after ..."Rey hadn’t seen Ben all weekend. " until the end.

 

 

“I am not covering for you so that you can go to a party,” Ben said sternly, his hands readjusting on the steering wheel.

 

Rey sat in the passenger seat of Ben’s beat up Corolla, watching the trees fly past her window. She could probably drive this route to school with her eyes closed. Unfortunately, she was not old enough to get her licence yet and had zero dollars to her name. So Ben would drop her to school on the way to work. She didn’t mind though; it gave them time together. It was a tradition now and she felt lost when he wasn’t able to take her.

 

“Please, Ben,” she begged him.

 

“No.”

 

“I promise I won’t get caught up in anything.” She turned to face him with her lips pouted.

 

She noticed how his face softened slightly before his gaze hardened again. He turned his attention back to the road. The radio continued to play softly in the background.

 

“It’s not you that I worry about,” he mumbled dryly.  

 

“I’ll have Finn,” Rey offered up as she twisted to look back out the side window.

 

“That doesn’t fill me with much confidence either.” He let out a dry chuckle.

 

“Please,” she tried again, it almost came out in whine. _You sound like a child, Rey._

 

“Why don’t you just ask Luke?” Ben responded flatly.

 

Her last ‘please’ clearly had no effect on him. Rey winced at thought of even mentioning it to Luke. Mara may let her go, maybe. If she was in a good mood.

 

“Are you kidding? You know he will say no.” Rey glared at him and folded her arms.

 

Ben gave her a sidewards glance and sighed, “I’ll think about it.”

 

“Thank you! Thank you!” She wrapped her hands around his bicep and shook him back and forth affectionately.

 

“I didn’t say yes.” He smirked and Rey rolled her eyes.

 

She knew that he was going to say yes. She had already won. ‘I’ll think about it’ was Ben’s way of saying yes without making her think that he was a pushover.

 

“Yet.” Rey grinned victoriously.

 

“I could just rat you out,” he teased.

 

“ _You wouldn’t_.” Rey raised her eyebrows and held her chest in mock offense.

 

“It’s tempting.” He clucked his tongue.

 

“Fine, I’ll just tell Leia about how you showed up shitfaced at my front door last week.” Rey shrugged and sank back into her seat as she attempted to conceal her grin.

 

“Language! And besides, I’m twenty-four years old. She won’t care.” He sat up in alarm at her words. He appeared calm but Rey could see a fissure of worry on his face.

 

“She won’t but you will. Mama’s boy,” Rey joked and poked him on the shoulder.

 

He froze, his mouth agape in fake shock. “Take that back,” he demanded playfully.

 

“You gonna tell mommy?” Rey snorted and scrunched up her nose.

 

Ben immediately flicked on his indicator and pulled over to the curb. Rey watched him intensely while he shifted the car into park and twisted to face her. They sat there staring at each other for a moment. His expression was cold, angry even. And suddenly, his mask cracked and was replaced by a grin.

 

“Come here, brat!” He bellowed and reached over towards her, very clearly going in for the tickle.

 

Rey giggled and scooted against the door, pushing herself flush against it. Her efforts to escape his fingers were futile against his long arms. Rey laughed hysterically, gasping for air. Ben’s chuckles also drowning out the radio.

 

* * *

 

 

“This is stupid. I don’t care about a poem that is talking about getting old.” Rey threw her pen across the table for dramatic effect and dropped her head onto the dining room table.

 

“That’s not what it’s about,” Ben sighed from the spot next to her and she could hear him shuffling papers next to her.

 

Rey hated English with a passion and of course it was the subject she was almost failing. She imagined the two went hand in hand. She needed a tutor and Ben was an excellent one…and free. But he was almost _too_ good. He was always freakishly smart and Rey often felt like he couldn’t fathom why Rey struggled so much with some of the concepts. She could tell he really tried but it didn’t always show.

 

“Yes it is. It literally says it in the first line… ‘ _when you are old and grey’_.” Rey kept her forehead on the cold wood while she clumsily pointed in the general vicinity of the paper.

 

“Did you even read the rest of it?” he asked, unamused.

 

“I _tried,”_ Rey groaned.

 

Bloody W.B Yeats.

 

“He’s talking about a woman. It’s actually a poem of unrequited love.”

 

“Really?” Rey lifted her head up quickly and stared at the poem.

 

That is not the vibe she got when she had attempted to read it the first time. Yeah, sure, poetry had different interpretations and meaning for the reader. It was what Ben was always going on about.

 

Something about the idea of unrequited love always intrigued Rey. Maybe it was because deep down she felt she would never have that all consuming love. The kind that could burn the world to the ground.

 

“Yeah. ‘ _And loved the sorrows of your changing face_.’ He is telling her that he was the only man who loved her for her. Even when she started to change and age.”

 

“Wow,” Rey breathed. That was deep and really beautiful.

 

Ben’s arm reached across her to point towards the next line. Rey’s eyes followed his index finger to his wrist, where his green soulmate mark peeked out from his sleeve. Every time she saw it, it was like a knife was driven through her chest. It was a constant reminder that he belonged to someone else. That no matter how much she loved him, the love he was going to have for someone else would be far greater. She would eventually become nothing to him. Who was she to stand in the way of a love that was written in the stars?

 

“Her repeated rejection began to take its toll on him. He gives up and tells her that one day she will regret losing him. It’s a tragic story of lost love,” he continued and her attention was pulled away from his arm.

 

Rey looked up at his face and she could see the pure passion in his eyes as he spoke. It was clear to her that he loved poetry. It was like he just got it and made sense. He could speak for hours about a passage of jargon.

 

“Wow. You really know your stuff. Why aren’t you doing something with literature?” she questioned.

 

Truthfully, she had never asked him. His choice in career always baffled her. It was clear that he found love in literature and art.

 

“Mom wanted me to work in politics,” he answered dryly almost spitting the word ‘politics’. Like even the word left a distaste on his tongue.

 

“But you don’t want that.” Rey shook her head; a frown had formed on her face.

 

“You don’t really have a choice when your mom is a Senator,” he gritted out. His hand curled into a fist on the table.

 

“Of course you do. You always have a choice.” Rey reached out for him. She placed her hand tenderly over his forearm.

 

“Be your own person, Ben.” She leaned in and half whispered.

 

“It’s the burden of carrying the Organa-Solo-Skywalker-Amidala name. You don’t get to be your own person, not really. I will always be the son of a Senator and a War Hero. Grandson of a criminal and a Queen,” he rattled off all of his titles, all his badges.

 

She had heard them all before but she had never truly understood until now, the effect that his family had on him. He felt like he had to carry the family’s achievements, like he wasn’t allowed to stray from their legacies. Rey couldn’t fathom carrying all that weight on her shoulders. She was a nobody, nothing. She had nobody to disappoint. It was both a blessing and a curse.

 

“But that doesn’t have to define you.” Rey reached out, on pure impulse, and placed her palm on his cheek.

 

His eyes immediately closed and his breathing slowed.

 

“It does though, Rey,” he murmured, his voice strained with pain.  

 

“Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to carry around the name. That I had no family,” he said lowly and Rey dropped her hand from his face.

 

It took a moment and his eyes shot open. His look of content is replaced with horror. “Oh shit, Rey. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Fuck.” His words come out fast and panicked.

 

His words stung a little. Rey wanted nothing more than to have a family but she kind of understood where he was coming from.

 

“I’m nothing, no one, but do you think I let that define who I am?” She furrowed her brows and held her head high. “One day, you’ll see yourself like I do. You’ll understand that you are more than what everyone else thinks you are.”

 

He glared at her, his mouth parted slightly. Her eyes lingered on his lips. She shook her head, mentally cursing herself for letting herself get sucked into his allure.

 

_Not yours Rey, he’s not yours._

 

“When did you get so grown up?” he asked in amazement.

 

“I’m fifteen in two weeks. I’m not a kid anymore,” she insisted, her chin remained high in determination.

 

“You always will be to me.”

 

Rey winced at his words. Ouch.

 

She looked away from him and suddenly became interested by a stain on the table cloth. _Please don’t let him know, please don’t let him know_. He can’t know that she feels more for him than she should. She should not love her foster cousin that is nine years her elder. She began to fiddle with the corner of the paper in front of her.

 

Ben broke the silence when he admitted something completely out of the blue. “I’m proud of you, you know that right?”

 

Her heart swelled. Nobody has ever said anything like that to her. After all those years of hearing her parents call her worthless, she never expected to have someone in her life who cared for her the way Ben did. The way that Luke, Mara, and Leia did. Even Han, despite seeing him a couple of times a year.

 

“Thanks,” she mumbled.

 

She could feel the warmth travelling up her neck until it spread across her cheeks. Fucking hell. Don’t look at him. Don’t move. It’s probably not even noticeable.

 

Wanting to break the awkward moment, Rey reached over and grabbed his mug, downing the last of his coffee in one mouthful. He looked at her with shock which was slapped away by a pearly grin. Rey smiled as he tipped his head back and let out a belly chuckle.

 

Silence washed over them again and they both began fiddling with items on the table. Rey sniffed and rubbed her eyes. A fresh wave of tiredness hit her and she yawned deeply.

 

“I think I’m going to go have a shower and get ready for bed.”

 

“Okay, kid. I’m just going to talk to Luke and I’ll get going.” He smiled at her.

 

Rey pushed up from her chair and began to climb the wooden steps. She gave one final glance towards Ben to find that he was looking at something on his phone. She swallowed the lump in her throat and continued on. She had made it to the top of the stairs when she heard his phone ring.

 

“What do you want?” His tone was venomous.

 

There was a silence for a brief moment and then the sound of a chair flipping onto the floorboards echoed in the kitchen. Rey grimaced at the noise.

 

“What do you mean you’re not home for thanksgiving?” His voice raised.

 

“I don’t care that you need to finish this job.”

 

Rey hesitated before she tiptoed back down the stairs. She paused halfway down and sank to sit on the step. She wrapped her hands around the bars and rested her forehead in between the gaps. He was pacing and he finally came to a stop, his back to her. She noticed that Luke was standing against the door frame in the hallway. His arms crossed against his chest, his eyebrows risen in concern.

 

“You are your own boss; you can do what you want.” He ran his hand over his face and curled it into his hair.

 

“You can tell her yourself.” He almost spat into the phone.

 

He looked up towards the window and he must have seen her reflection. He paused for a moment, his eyes staring straight at her. She didn’t move under his heavy gaze.

 

“No, I’m not going to apolo-” He must have been cut off by whoever was speaking on the other end. He broke eye contact with her and began pacing again.

 

“So she can learn that you’re a terrible uncle as well as a father.” He growled.

 

Rey knew in that moment that he was talking to Han. He wasn’t coming home for Thanksgiving, which meant he wouldn’t be here for her birthday either.

 

“No,” he yelled into the phone.

 

“You’re fucking unbelievable.” Ben threw his hand into the air.

 

“No. Don’t even bother coming home for Christmas either,” he yelled into the phone and hung up.

 

He screamed and threw a mug from the bench against the wall. Rey recoiled as the shattering of porcelain resonated in her ears. The tears that she had been holding onto finally spilled onto her cheeks.

 

He stood in the middle of the kitchen, breathing heavily. Luke had taken a step closer but still remained at a distance. His shoulders moved up and down as he stared at the broken cup.

 

His eyes widened and it was as if he suddenly remembered that she was sitting there. He twisted and locked eyes with her. He inhaled sharply when he noticed her cowered against the railing. His eyes pleaded with her but Rey continued to shake. He cringed and turned, stalking out the back door. The force of him slamming it shut caused the glasses in the kitchen to rattle.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey hadn’t seen Ben all weekend. Not after the episode in the kitchen. He had been avoiding her, she was sure of it. Leia had even dropped around on Friday night but still, there was no sign of Ben.

 

Was he embarrassed that she saw him throw a tantrum? That couldn’t be it, could it? She had seen him lose his temper plenty of times before. She almost walked around to his apartment on Sunday morning but decided against it at the last minute. If he wanted to see her, he would’ve.

 

So now Rey laid curled up on her side, staring at the frame on her wall. It was a beautiful calligraphy piece that Ben had designed for her on her thirteenth birthday. It was one of Leia’s quotes… _Hope is like the sun_.  _If you only believe in it when you can see it, you’ll never make it through the night._ She thought it was a beautiful saying when she first heard it but now she found it funny that how often it had been relevant lately.

 

Suddenly, pain shot up her spine like fire. She cringed. It exploded in her head with a blinding whiteness. It made her dizzy. The pain was like knives dipped in poison and shoved into her chest, like her heart had been replaced with ice.

 

She felt a dampness on her face and her fingertips dusted across her cheeks. She pulled them away to see a clear, glistening liquid. Tears. But these weren’t her tears; this wasn’t her pain. She had felt his pain before, every night before sleep finally took over him. But this, this was something else. This was complete and utter agony.

 

She heard the landline ring downstairs and Luke picked up after two rings. Something was wrong, terribly wrong. She rolled out of bed, trying to breathe against the pain. She stumbled down the hallway, one hand over her chest, the other against the wall.

 

She didn’t make it halfway down the stairs when she was met by the familiar arms of Mara. Rey fell into her embrace; Mara’s warmth was enough to slightly dull the pain. She could feel her sobbing against her and Mara’s tears fall onto her hair.

 

“What’s going on?” Rey asked against her chest.

 

“It’s Han,” Mara responded between sniffles.

 

Rey froze immediately, pulling herself from Mara’s grip.

 

“No.”

 

Ben’s pain could only mean one thing. Han’s gone.

 

No, Ben. Ben. Ben.

 

She backed away from her and staggered down the remaining steps. She collided with something solid. Rey looked up and saw Luke’s broken face. She shoved past him and continued towards the front door. Her hands fumbled with the handle and she flung the door open, the chill of the night hit her instantly. And she ran.

 

“Rey!” Luke yelled after her but she didn’t turn back.

 

Her eyes were shut in agony as the cold air bit into her lungs. He calves burnt, and her bare feet throbbed as she stepped on rocks and uneven gravel.

 

She reached his apartment complex and collapsed against the glass door.

 

She tried his intercom first, with no luck. She then proceeded to frantically buzz every apartment in the building, pleading her case to anyone who would listen to her. Some woman eventually let her in, somewhat reluctantly. The ache in her chest only intensified as she ascended his staircase. It was like the closer she was to him, the more it hurt.

 

Rey pounded on his door, refusing to stop until it opened. She was sure the neighbors would be out in a minute. He didn’t answer but she knew he was in there, she could feel him.

 

“Ben, it’s me. Please open the door,” she begged, resting her forehead against the cool wood.

 

“Please,” her voice cracked with one final plea.

 

She heard the sound of pattering feet on the other side of the door. The door swung away from her to reveal Ben standing before her. She sighed in relief but then she looked at him, really looked at him.

 

His hair stuck out in every direction, his shoulders were slouched. His face was blank, empty, like he was dead. There wasn't any hint of a mischievous shine in his eyes. He was like a plastic doll, eyes in a daze, distant. It was as if he was somewhere else, staring straight through her.

 

“Ben,” she whispered, desperately trying to reach him. Nothing.

 

She stepped forward cautiously. When he didn’t react, she threw her arms around him. He collapsed into her instantly, his body engulfing her. Rey staggered slightly under his weight but managed to stay upright. He buried his face into her neck and sobbed.

 

Rey wanted nothing more than to break down too but she needed to be strong for him. She supported him while guiding him into his bedroom. She bent over and slipped his body from hers. He sagged over on the edge of the bed, still trembling. She squatted down in front of him, using his knees to balance herself.

 

“Rey?” he finally croaked, his trance disappearing.

 

“Yes, it’s me.” He cupped her cheek and took in a sharp breath. “I’m here.”

 

“It’s my fault, Rey,” he whispered as he closed his eyes.

 

“No it’s not. Don’t say that.” Her voice was shaky, like she was struggling to hold back her own screams.

 

He opened his eyes slowly and they held each other’s gaze. Rey could see him thinking, his eternal battle with his thoughts. She could feel everything swirling, fighting deep within him.

 

“He was coming back for your birthday. I told him to come back. I made him come back.”

 

“He…what?” Rey’s mouth fell open.

 

No, it wasn’t Ben’s fault, it was _hers_. He wouldn’t have been coming back today if she had never come into this family. He still would’ve been alive. Ben would still have a father. Leia would still have a husband. No.

 

“How?” she murmured. Part of her didn’t want to know.

 

“They think he had a heart attack behind the wheel and lost control of the car. The car went into a tree.”

 

Rey whimpered at Ben’s words. He died alone. She prayed that it was painless, he deserved that much.

 

His red rimmed eyes fell away from her face and landed on her hand which was still on his knee. His large hand curled around hers and he gave a reassuring squeeze. Rey forced her eyes shut in an attempt to subdue the pain and pushed up from her squatting position. She began to step away when Ben pulled her back towards him.

 

“Don’t go,” he begged and Rey’s heart melted.

 

She was only going to get him a glass of water. But now, how could she even leave his side after that? She thought about Luke for moment, he would know where she was.

 

Rey climbed into the bed and Ben rolled over to face her. She watched a single tear slide across his cheek and drop onto the pillow. She scooted forward, closing the gap between them. She pushed a piece of hair behind his ear and he leaned into her. His cheek came to rest on her sternum and he curled his fingers into her shirt. Holding on for dear life. 

 

She tucked his head under her chin and wrapped her arm around his neck. Finally, letting everything in…she screamed. Ben didn’t even react; she just felt his shoulders begin to shake. The two of them lay there, in each other’s embrace, each emotion felt by the other as it passed between them.

 

He held onto her like she was the only thing keeping him breathing. Like she was his salvation. And truthfully, he was hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Did you really just kill off Han without even introducing him in the story?" 
> 
> "Yes." 
> 
> "Why?"
> 
> "I don't know. For the angst?" 
> 
> "You're a terrible person." 
> 
> "Yes I am."
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for all your lovely comments on the last chapter.  
> Come tell me to hurry the hell up on tumblr- aldeeraan  
> Oh, I was just wondering, would anyone be interested in being a beta for this? I've never bothered before but I think it's nicer for you guys if it has been checked by someone else. If you're interested PM me on tumblr or comment here, either one is fine and muchly appreciated. I would love to hear from you!


	3. 2011 part one (16 years old)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special thanks to kylohhh for reading this chapter and making sure that it's not complete rubbish

Rey stood in the kitchen of Mara and Luke’s house, hunched over the bench. Her chin rested in her palm while the other flicked mindlessly through the pages of the latest Vogue magazine. It was summer break and she was bored out of her mind.

 

She hated to admit it, but she felt lonely. Finn was away with his family for another week and Ben was always caught up in his job. He was either in the office or too busy to take her out anymore. So what had Rey resorted to when her only two friends were busy? Reading goddamn fashion magazines which in no way ever appealed to her in the slightest.

 

The sound of the back door slamming caused Rey to jump backwards. She twisted to find Ben leaning against the sink behind her.

 

“Oh god, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing here?” she asked him as she lent back against the bench, her hand holding her chest.

 

“What, I can’t stop by?” He held his own chest in pretend shock.

 

“No. I mean it’s a Tuesday.” she shrugged. He was supposed to be at work. Not that she _minded_ he was here. She had been missing him after all. It had been at least two weeks since she had seen him last.

 

“So it is.” Rey glared at him, unimpressed but also slightly amused. Ben smirked at her irritation. “I called in sick.”

 

“Yeah, you certainly look it.” Rey looked him up and down and rolled her eyes.

 

“Excuse you, I have a terrible virus.” He raised his fist to his mouth a let out a poor excuse of a cough.

 

“What? Herpes?” Rey scrunched up her nose.

 

“Very funny, Jakobs.” She bit back a laugh at the six foot, ripped and clearly embarrassed nerd in front of her. They never talked about it but she knew he was a virgin. Any mention of sex and the fully grown man would turn beet red. She found it sweet, if she was being honest.

 

“Why are you spending your day off here?” she said after a moment.

 

“Maybe I just wanted to spend time with my favorite cousin.” He grinned down at her, his eyes twinkling with his distinctive playfulness.

 

“I’m your only cousin.” she reminded him, her eyebrows raised.

 

“Lucky for you that means you’ll never lose the title.”

 

“Wow. I’m honoured, truly,” she teased him. “Really though, why are you here?”

 

“I wasn’t lying. I stopped by to see you.” he responded sincerely.

 

“Really?”

 

“Well you have been telling me constantly that you’re bored shitless. I’ve got the texts to prove it. I’ve come to improve your day. No need to thank me.” He stepped forward and bowed. Rey cackled at him. What a nerd.

 

“Hmm.” she hummed playfully.

 

Her eyes raked over his body and she took in his attire. His black t-shirt clung to his sculpted arms and torso. His black shorts, stopped just above his knees, exposing his toned calf muscles. Gym gear, it was gym gear. She let her mind wander to imagine whether he took off the shirt after a long workout. What he looked like when he was gasping and sweating… _Stop. Don’t think about him like that._

 

“Why are you dressed like you’re about to go to the gym then?” She cocked her head to the side and waved her hand in the air.

 

“Because I’m about to go for a run. Want to come?” he asked and she immediately perked up. She always enjoyed going for a run, it helped clear her head.

 

“Only if we can get ice-cream,” Rey insisted.

 

“That kind of defeats the purpose of going for a run.” he sighed but cracked a smile.

 

“Nah. It means that we can eat ice-cream without feeling guilty.” She licked her lips and pushed forward from the bench.

 

“Doesn’t work like that, kid.”

 

“Says who?” She stepped closer to him, her eyebrows raised in a challenge.

 

Ben looked down at her and narrowed his eyes in response. She already knew that he was going to give in. He loved ice-cream as much as she did. She watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed and he exhaled in defeat.

 

“Ugh, fine. You win.” He nudged her shoulder.

 

“I always do, Solo.” She smiled wickedly.

 

“You wish.” he said over his shoulder as he stalked across the kitchen to open the fridge.

 

He grabbed the carton of orange juice and finished it in two gulps. Rey rolled her eyes as he crushed the carton in his hand and chucked it into the trash. Great, now she will have to pick up some up this afternoon.

 

“I’m just going to go get changed. I’ll be down in a sec,” she explained as she pointed with her thumb over her shoulder.

 

“No worries.” Ben nodded and reached for his phone in his back pocket before he sat at the dining table.

 

Rey ran up the stairs, taking two at a time before she flung open her door. She paused, trying to remember where she put her active wear. Opening her drawers, she tossed her unwanted clothing onto the floor. She eventually found her black yoga pants and pink tank top.

 

She skipped back down the stairs, her drink bottle in one hand and her trainers in the other.

 

“I’m rea-” She paused when she noticed Ben was on the phone.

 

He wasn’t just having a conversation; he was clearly having a fight with someone. Ben was whispering loudly into the phone, his words inaudible. He was fuming, his teeth bared and his hand was coiled so tightly, Rey could see his white knuckles from across the room.

 

Rey swallowed and looked away awkwardly. She began to busy herself by slipping on her trainers and slowly tying up her laces.

 

“Ready to go?” His voice echoed from above her. Rey looked up from her shoes and saw him towering over her. She couldn’t believe she didn’t hear him get up.

 

She nodded and stood up as he turned away from her. Rey could see his shoulders rise and fall as he tried to keep his composure.

 

“What was that?” Rey called after him.

 

“Nothing,” he grumbled as he opened the back door.

 

“It wasn’t nothing. Is everything okay?” Rey asked as she walked up to him.

 

“Perfect,” he said shortly, refusing to look at her.

 

“You’re clearly not okay.” Rey resisted the urge to rest her hand on his forearm.

 

“Drop it, Rey.” he hissed and Rey cringed as she walked through the door.

 

She stood there frozen as he ran off down the street without her. She huffed in annoyance and jogged after him.

 

She didn’t believe him but she knows better than to try and force the answer out of him. She had known him long enough to know that you don’t pressure Ben Solo into talking about things.  

 

*

 

“I thought you’d outgrow this ridiculous habit of eating rainbow ice-cream with sprinkles,” Ben said as he licked at his own ice-cream cone.

 

Rey stopped licking at her cone and narrowed her eyes at Ben who was sitting across from her at the park picnic table.

 

“Never. You can’t talk, Mr. I have Chocolate. Every. Single. Time.”

 

“Chocolate is a staple ice-cream flavour. You can’t go wrong.” He shrugged and continued to eat without offense.

 

“One day you will eat rainbow ice-cream and you will understand.” She leaned forward and smiled mischievously.

 

She knew it was his sheer stubbornness that prevented him from even trying it in the first place. Big Ben Solo, eating rainbow ice-cream, no that just wouldn’t do.

 

“Isn’t it just caramel?”

 

“Yeah but look at it!” she shrieked, holding the cone to his face, causing him to go cross-eyed.

 

“Sometimes I wonder how you can be so mature yet so childish at the same time.” He shook his head and chuckled.

“There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes.”

 

Rey recited the Doctor Who quote like it was part of her everyday vocabulary. She loved it, the new series and the old. Finn had gotten her into it one sleepover a couple of years ago. She has been devoted to it since. She even named her goldfish Tardis.

 

“Did you just quote the fourth Doctor to me?” Ben sighed and scrunched up his nose.

 

He was just as geeky as she was, in fact he was probably more into Doctor Who than she could ever be. She couldn’t even remember which Doctor had said it. He could probably even name the episode if she had asked.

 

“Plenty more where that came from,” she teased and tapped her temple twice.

 

“You’re so British.” Ben genuinely laughed before taking a bite out of his cone.

 

Rey watched as he pulled it away from his mouth and a brown smudge was left behind. It took all of her willpower not to laugh at him. She reached out and wiped away the ice-cream from his face before licking her thumb. They both froze when they realised what she had done. Their eyes locked on each other and Rey felt her cheeks burn under his intense gaze. She didn’t miss the way Ben’s eyes dropped to her lips and the way he swallowed heavily before turning his head the other way.

 

The awkwardness between them was going downhill quickly, and Rey knew she needed to change the atmosphere. She shoved the remainder of her dessert into her mouth before rising from the table. Ben looked up at her quizzically before his attention was dragged elsewhere. His eyes widened and he hid himself behind her frame.

 

“Fuck,” he hissed.

 

“What’s going on?” Rey asked as she twisted to see what he was carrying on about.

 

She felt hands grip at her biceps and pull her in the opposite direction. Rey continued to try and find the source of his distress as he tugged her backwards down the pathway.

 

“What are you doing?” she growled in annoyance and shock.

 

“Just keep walking.” His hand slipped down her arm and intertwined with hers. Rey shivered at the contact, a small zap caused her to flinch.

 

“Ren!” A voice called from behind them. Ben’s grip tightened on her hand and he froze on the spot.

 

“Fuck.”

 

Ben turned them around and Rey’s eyes immediately fell on a man approaching them. His red hair was slicked back with too much gel. It contrasted his pale skin, making him appear grimmer. She couldn’t help but wonder if he had stepped outside in his life before today. His suit was perfectly tailored and looked like it had just been dry cleaned.  

 

“Ren, you’re looking well for being so sick that you can’t even get out of bed.” The man clucked and shook his head in disgust. Ben’s eyes narrowed and he looked like he was ready to sock him.

 

The redhead smirked and his eyes fell on Rey. His eyes raked down her body and back again. He scrunched up his nose and Rey almost cowered against Ben. _Pig_.

 

“Are you not going to introduce me to your lady friend?” The man clucked and Ben growled in response, like _actually growled_ at him. Rey’s eyebrows wrinkled in confusion as she twisted around to look at Ben in surprise. His hands shot to her torso, tugging her to his side, and pushing her slightly behind him.

 

Ben just stared back at the man, his body in a defensive stance.

 

“Very well then. I’ll just introduce myself. My name is Armitage Hux.” Hux held out his hand towards Rey. She considered it for a moment before looking up at Ben’s face. Everything about Ben’s body language told her that this was not a good man. She gulped and shook his hand reluctantly, without a word.

 

“We have somewhere to be,” Ben spat and stomped away, tugging Rey after him.

 

Ben didn’t stop or speak a word as he continued to storm through the park. It wasn’t until Rey dug her heels into the ground and ripped her arm from his grasp that he actually acknowledged her. She crossed her arms and lifted her head defiantly.

 

“Who was that?” she questioned.

 

“Hux.” Ben huffed in response.

 

“So he said. No, who is he to you?” She pressed her finger against his chest and he flinched under the pressure.

 

“Someone from work.”

 

“He seemed like a prick.”

 

“That’s an understatement,” Ben sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

 

“Why do you even work with him?” Rey asked, as she turned back to look into the park. There was no sign of Hux.

 

“Boss makes me. Trust me, I’d much rather punch that smug smirk off of his pale face.”

 

“Boss? I thought Leia was your boss?” Rey’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.

 

Ben worked for Leia’s office as one of her head administrators. He had reluctantly taken the job straight out of college and worked his way up the ranks. That was only three years ago but according to Leia, Ben was very good, even exceptional at his job. No one else in the office even came close to his potential.

 

“Uhm yeah, she is… direct and indirect managers, that sort of thing- technicalities.” He shrugged like it was common sense. Rey knew immediately that he was hiding something from her.

 

“Right,” she said shortly.

 

He watched her for a moment, considering her. He must have figured out that she was upset. He tapped her on the nose affectionately and she frowned.

 

“I’ll race you home.” The smile he flashed her was positively mischievous.

 

She knew what he was doing. Avoidance. Ben Solo’s favorite thing when it came to talking about problems. She sighed and returned his smile.

 

“You’re on,” Rey challenged as she shoved him playfully and took off down the street.

 

She could vaguely hear Ben yell something from behind her but she carried on. Her feet slapped against the concrete, turning her surroundings blurry. Her ponytail rose behind her as she ran, she felt uncontrolled and alive. She whipped her head back quickly to see where Ben was, when she saw that he was still far behind, she smirked. She had this in the bag.

 

She rounded the corner and sprinted to the front door. She stopped to fumble with the door, managing to fling it open. She felt a bulky arm snake around her torso and pull her from the ground. She is suddenly deposited on the soil behind Ben and he looked down at her.  He stepped backwards across the threshold with a smirk. He held his arms in victory and Rey frowned.

 

“That’s no fair. You cheated.” She laughed.

 

“It’s not my fault that you’re short.” He poked his tongue out and crossed his arms across his chest.

 

“I’m not short, you’re just freakishly tall. You goddamned tree.” Rey threw her arms in the air, motioning towards his frame. _A tree I want to climb._

 

“Come here, brat.” His lips curled into a devilish smirk and he lunged. Rey squeaked and sprinted through the house.

 

“Rey, Ben! No running in the house!” Rey heard Luke call after them, followed by a tired sigh. “You’d think I had toddlers.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Peanut, Happy Birthday!” Finn threw his arms around Rey and gave her a tight squeeze. She returned the gesture and pulled away.

 

“Thanks, Finn.” She smiled widely at him and stepped aside so that he could come in.

 

“This is for you,” he explained, holding out a small gift to her. It was beautifully wrapped in blue paper and a tiny ribbon.

 

“Oh, Finn, you didn’t have to get me anything,” she said breathlessly, her eyes stinging.

 

It had been five years and she still wasn’t used to the concept of having a birthday, let alone receiving gifts. Her parents had never even mentioned her birthday to her;, she had discovered it when she found her scrunched up birth certificate in her mom’s closet.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous. I wanted to.” He gave her a small smile and placed the present in her hands. Rey stared down at the gift and blinked.

 

“Well thank you,” she replied sheepishly.

 

“Where’s the party at?” Finn asked enthusiastically as he took in the living room.

 

“You’re pretty much looking at it.” Rey nodded over to Luke and Leia sitting on the couch, they both had a glass of wine in their hands.

 

“Hi, Luke. Leia.” Finn waved happily at the twins and Leia rose from the couch to embrace him. Luke gave him a nod and took a sip of his drink.

 

“Hi, Finn!” Mara called from the kitchen.

 

“Hello!” he shouted back and took a seat on the sofa across from the others.

 

Rey sat down beside him, offering him the plate of nibbles before taking a handful of chips for herself.

 

“Ben’s coming too. He said he might be late,” she said between puffed cheeks, causing Finn to grin at her.

 

“Cool, cool,” Finn said quickly, and she could hear slight disappointment in his voice. The two got along but Rey wouldn’t say they were fond of each other.

 

*

 

Rey glanced at the clock and then at the door again. He was an hour late. Mara had offered to serve lunch four times already but Rey refused to eat without him. Ben was coming, he promised her on the phone last night that he would be there. It had been six weeks and two days since she had seen him last- not that she was counting or anything. He had been travelling for work, doing stuff for Leia’s upcoming election next year.

 

Suddenly she heard the fumbling of the door handle and her head shot up. She leapt from the couch and bounded forward. Ben had barely even made it through the doorway before Rey collided with him. She jumped up, wrapping her legs around his waist. Her arms curled around his neck and she tucked her head into his shoulder.

 

“Whoa kid, you’re not as little as you used to be.” He chuckled and his muscular arm came to support her back.

 

“Sorry,” she said guiltily.  

 

“It’s okay. Happy Birthday,” he said as he closed the door with his free arm and carried her back inside.

 

He squeezed her tightly before his grip suddenly loosened. Rey looked up from his shoulder and followed his gaze to find that Luke was glaring at them. His expression was almost unreadable but Rey could see how his jaw clenched. Ben coughed weakly and pushed her away, dropping her back onto her feet.

 

Ben rubbed the back of his neck and gazed down at her.

 

“Oh, I got you something. I almost forgot.” Ben began patting at his jeans, trying to find something.

 

Ben pulled a small purple box from his back pocket and handed it to her. Her eyes widened and she looked up at him. He appeared slightly nervous and ready to curl up in a corner.

 

“Am I allowed to open it?” she questioned.

 

“Of course you can open it.” He nodded his head once and his eyes fell to the box in her hands.

 

Rey pulled at the ribbon, letting it fall to the ground. She flicked the lid open and her mouth formed an ‘oh’. It was stunning. There, resting against the white silk laid a glistening silver bracelet with charms that dangled from the elegant rings.  

 

“Oh my god, Ben, it’s beautiful,” she breathed as she ran her fingers over the charms.

 

“A heart, a car, and a tree?” she thought out loud and removed the bracelet from the box.

 

She placed it over her wrist and struggled with the lock. Ben’s hands moved to her aid, delicately closing the clasp. His fingers remained on her arm and she tilted her head up to look at him. His eyes were still on the bracelet.

 

Ben cleared his throat, he spoke, his voice barely a whisper. “The tree for that day, when you followed me and we sat against the tree, watching the sunset. And the car is for Han,” he explained as he touched each charm.

 

Rey let out a quiet sob at the mention of Han. On her wrist she held a piece of Ben and a piece of Han.

 

“What about the heart?” Her voice cracked slightly.

 

“I just thought it was nice.” He shrugged and dropped her arm.

 

Rey shivered at the loss of contact, a coldness ran through her. He shuddered next to her. Had he felt it too?

 

She watched him walk away and sit on the couch beside Leia. She couldn’t help but notice how his white button down shirt made him appear younger. And the way his raven curls fell over his forehead when he lent over to give Leia a kiss on the cheek. She was staring and she knew it. She shook her head forcefully and returned to her spot next to Finn.

 

Rey had missed the way Leia and Luke had had a silent conversation, their eyes darting back and forth between her and Ben. And the dark gaze Ben gave her as she lent forward to grab a cracker from the table.

 

She had missed the way his eyes screamed at her, _yes I felt it too_.


	4. 2011 part two (17 years old)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to kylohhh for checking this chapter for me. Once again, you have done an amazing job and I always appreciate it.

“Mother, will you go easy on the Christmas decorations? It looks like a Christmas tree threw up in here.”

 

Rey bent over the large, worn down box in front of her, pulling a piece of tinsel from it. She inspected it, running it through her hands before fastening it to the tree and circling. She stepped back and admired her work. It was tradition for Rey to help Leia decorate the Christmas tree on the first weekend of December. Ben hadn’t been there the past couple years, but Leia managed to drag him along this year.

 

“It’s the only time of year that I’m allowed to do this,” Leia groused while placing a small ornament on the branch just within her reach, (which was not very high at all).

 

“I think it’s nice,” Rey said with a grin.  

 

“You’re just as bad as her,” Ben groaned and threw his head back.

 

Rey shook her head at him and grabbed another piece of tinsel. She walked up to him and tossed it over his shoulders. His head snapped towards her as she held the ends and twisted it around his neck like a scarf.

 

“Lighten up, grumpsy. It’s Christmas!” she exclaimed, holding her arms towards Ben and showing off her masterpiece. He was a tree after all.

 

“Not yet,” he grumbled, but Rey could see the ghost of a smile on his lips.

 

“Ben can you help with- your father used to do it,” Leia sighed and the two turned to look at the small woman attempting to reach the top of the tree.

 

Rey looked back at Ben and he swallowed deeply before nodding. Leia delicately placed the silver star in his hands. Warm tears pricked at her eyes as she observed Ben place the star at the top and embrace his mother in his long arms.

 

“Beautiful,” Leia whispered looking at the tree, her head resting against Ben.  

 

“What do you want for Christmas?” Ben asked Leia as she pulled away from him.

 

“I don’t need anything, dear.” She waved her hand and busied herself with tidying up around the living room.

 

Rey backed up into the lounge behind her, curling her knees up against her chest. This was it, this was her family. She rested her chin on her knees and smiled. She was home.

 

*

 

“Are you going to get Chris anything?” Leia questioned, as she bent over to pick up paper from the ground.

 

It had been two weeks since they had been official. Was she even supposed to get him a gift? It would just be something impersonal like cologne or chocolate- bloody hell, she was not good at this.

 

“Who’s Chris?” Ben furrowed his eyebrows in confusion before twisting to face Rey.  

 

Rey froze, her smile falling from her face as looked over to Ben. She hadn’t told him. Why? She had no idea. It was none of his business anyway.

 

“Oh, you don’t know?” Leia raised her eyebrows and turned to Rey, “You haven’t told him?”

 

“Told me what?”

 

“Uhm, Chris is kind of the guy I’m seeing,” Rey explained as she rubbed the back of her neck.

 

“Kind of?” Ben folded his arms and shifted his body weight between his feet.

 

He considered her for a moment, his face completely unreadable. “How old is he?”

 

“Nineteen,” she croaked.

 

“He’s finished school?!” Ben said exasperated. Rey could see the rage begin to roll off of him.

 

“He’s only two years older than me and he’s a wonderful gentleman. Leia and Luke both like him,” she bit back. He had no right to be angry at her, at Chris. They had done nothing wrong. He had been nothing but good to her.

 

“You knew about this? And you’re okay with it?” He twisted sharply to face Leia.

 

“She’s not a child anymore. She can make her own choices,” Leia griped, as she continued to throw the remainder of the items into the box.

 

“Don’t I know it,” he mumbled, refusing to look at either of them.

 

Rey looked up, more confused than before. Her eyes shot over to Leia who mustn’t have heard Ben’s comment. She wrapped her arms around the box and gave Rey a sympathetic look before heading into the garage.

 

“What?” She blinked.

 

“Nothing,” he said as he began to stalk away from her. He still hadn’t looked at her.

 

She waited until Leia closed the door behind her before she turned her gaze back to Ben. He was staring out the front window, his arms folded across his chest.

 

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” she snapped at him as she pushed up from the couch and positioned herself behind him.

 

“He’s older than you, Rey. Men are pigs. He’ll just throw you away once he’s done with you,” he growled, keeping his back to her. Rey gaped at him, horrified.

 

“Right, who do you suggest I date then? Because I’m not going to stay single for the rest of my life because _you_ say all men are pigs!” Rey shouted back, trying not to let tears spill over, because dammit, she wasn’t meant to be having this argument with him.

 

She wasn’t meant to be having this argument, because she told herself there was nothing between them. He has someone else out there for him- he’s her cousin, nine years her elder. She promised herself that she wouldn’t feel this way about him anymore.

 

But she wanted nothing more for it to be Ben who she curled up with. Ben was the person she loved and no one else would even come close to him. Chris was just a replacement and she hated herself for it because she knows she’ll never love him.

 

“It doesn’t even matter,” his voice barely a whisper.

 

Rey took a step closer to him, scared to get too close. She could feel the anger and frustration radiating off of Ben. It was passing through her in waves.

 

“Look at me!” she shouted and she saw him cringe.

 

Ben didn’t seem surprised that she was behind him. He hesitated for a moment before he twisted on his heel. He stared at her, letting his eyes roam the entirety of her body. And then something snapped within his mind. His eyes widened and walked away from her- correction, he _ran_ away.

 

“Oh no, you don’t get to walk away from this, Ben Solo!” she shouted a little. She had to half run to keep up with his steps.

 

She reached out and grabbed his upper arm. Ben paused and turned slowly.

 

“What the hell is your problem? You don’t even know the guy. Why don’t you want me to date Chris?” She looked up at him, her chin held high.

 

“I never said that.” Ben glared down at her, his hands buried in the pockets of his pants.

 

“You didn’t have to. The look on your face says it all. Why don't you want me to date him?” Rey rasped. Her eyes lingered on his lips, “Say it!” _Say you want me._

 

His mouth fell open slightly. His appeared to be having a mental battle with himself. He stepped forward cautiously, his hand reluctantly reached for her as though he could break her. Little did he know, he already had. Five years ago, he had broken her and put her back together. Her heart has beat for him ever since.

 

He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again.

 

“I don’t want you dating Chris because I don’t want you dating anyone,” he whispered.

 

Rey took in a shaky breath. She did not dare to say anything. She didn’t dare to move. Did he just admit his feelings for her? No, he couldn’t have. She was hearing things. The tears that she had been fighting so hard to contain, spilled over onto her cheeks.

 

“What?” she breathed in disbelief, “What does that even mean?”

 

His eyes wandered over her face as though he was trying to remember every detail of her, every freckle. He reached his hand up and lightly wiped away the water from her face. She leant into him, her mind no longer having control of her body.

 

Her lips parted as she tilted her chin to look up at him. His chest was heaving, his warm breath just hitting her cheek. He was so close, oh, so close.

 

He took in sharp breath and he leapt backwards, like he had been burnt. She wanted to step forward, to reach out but she was frozen in place. He took a few small steps backwards, his eyes wide. And then he bolted.

 

“Ben!” she screamed after him, her knees finally buckled beneath her. She collapsed onto the carpet, holding her throat. The ache from her uncontrolled anger and the lump that had begun to form became too much. She wanted to scream.

 

At some point Leia had wrapped her arms around her shoulders. She was whispering questions against her- was she okay? What had happened? Rey couldn’t find words; her tongue was useless in her mouth. Maybe it was better that way. Whatever she would’ve told Leia, would’ve been a lie anyway. She looked up at the door he just exited through.

 

_It shouldn’t hurt like this. I shouldn’t love you. But I do._

 

* * *

 

 

“Ben Solo, you better open this fucking door or so help me god, I’ll cut off your balls!” Rey shouted as she pounded against the door to his apartment.

 

It had been three days since the incident at Leia’s house. Three days since he had almost kissed her and chickened out. She called him too many times to count, and he had dropped every one of her calls. She gave him a chance to come around to his senses, but his time was up. They were not going to dance around this again.

 

Rey had originally thought she was crazy, that she was reading too far into things. But then she spoke to Finn the day after her birthday. A conversation which meant nothing to her until the day they decorated the Christmas tree.

 

_“It was just a gift, Finn.” Rey rolled her eyes and took another bite of her sandwich._

 

_“No mine was a gift. His was something else, it meant something.” Finn’s eyes widened._

 

_“So what?” She frowned._

 

_“It was so personal and the way he held you. I felt like I was imposing on an intimate moment.” Finn shivered for effect._

 

_“We’re always like that.” She shrugged and looked around the cafeteria. She was avoiding his eyes; this was getting too real for her._

 

_“Well are you aware that you are practically dating?” Finn quipped._

 

_Her mouth dropped open.“We’re not dating.”_

 

Rey was pulled back into the present as his door was flung open before her. She expected to see Ben, but instead she was met by a man with short black hair. A wide grin was plastered on his face and the charm radiated off of him.

 

“Whoa, calm down princess.” The man spoke as he considered her for a moment, “You must be Rey.”

 

“Don’t call me princess. Who are you?” Rey cocked her eyebrow, and tapped her foot impatiently.

 

“I’m Poe Dameron. I’m sure Ben’s told you all about me.” He smirked and Rey frowned.

 

“I honestly have no idea who you are,” Rey grunted in annoyance. She felt rude but she really wasn’t in the mood and this Poe guy was way too cheerful for her liking.

 

“Ben and I go way back,” he added on.

 

“Right,” she huffed and stood on her toes to look over his shoulder, “Is he here?”

 

Poe gave her a quizzical look before twisting to look back into the apartment. He turned back to her after a moment.

 

“No, he’s actually out,” he said unconvincingly. He squared up his shoulders and blocked more of the doorway. Seriously, who did this guy think he was?

 

She jerked her head, and the familiar feeling of Ben rattled her, “I know you’re lying. I can feel him in there.”

 

“You what?” he looked taken aback by her statement like she had just spoken in a different language.

 

She shook her head and pushed past him, squeezing her slim body between him and the doorframe. She quickly glanced around the living room. She could hear Poe walk up behind her, but he didn’t try to stop her. She stomped down the hallway until she reached his bedroom door.

 

“Ben!” She knocked once on his door.

 

“Rey, go away,” he grumbled from the other side.

 

She twisted the handle and stepped in. Sure enough, there he was sitting on his bed, his phone in his hand. The same phone which he had not answered for three days.

 

“Fucking Dameron,” he mumbled under his breath, throwing his phone across the room.

 

“Ben, what the fuck?” she slammed the door behind her before stamping over to him, “Are you avoiding me?”

 

“I thought that was pretty obvious,” he said dryly as his gaze met hers.

 

“Why?” she said softly.

 

“Like you don’t know.” He turned his head away from her.

 

“No, please do enlighten me.” She shuffled closer to him, until she stood between his legs. He gulped but didn’t push her away.

 

“I’m not going to talk about this. You already know what I’m talking about,” he said lowly, his tone a warning.

 

“You’re right, I do. But you’re the one who’s avoiding this. You keep pushing me away. The other day, I could see that look in your eye again. The way that you look at me when you think I’m not looking, the stupid terms of endearment, the way you hold me. I feel it,”  she whispered.

 

She reached out, her hands came to rest on either side of his head. His eyes remained locked on the ground and she titled his chin up, forcing him to look at her. He looked lost. Her right hand trailed up his cheek and curled into his hair. Her thumb brushed lightly over his eyebrow. He shuddered under her touch.

 

“Rey, I think you have the wrong idea,” Ben’s voice broke, just a tiny crack before he grabbed her wrists. He tugged them away from his face and dropped them. They fell limply by her sides.

 

“Stop it! Stop making me think I’m going crazy,” she snapped, her anger made her stronger and her next words fell from her mouth before she could stop them.

 

“My heart was shattered into a million pieces before I met you and you glued it back together. You made it work again, made me feel again. Is it that crazy that it beats only for you?” She closed her eyes and collapsed onto her knees. Her hands grabbed at her hair.

 

A period of silence passed, between them. _Do not fucking cry_.

 

Not wanting the silence to betray her any longer, she finally opened her eyes, taking her time to gather her breath before she looked up at him. He was watching her, watching her like she was the whole galaxy. She fought with every fiber of being to not launch herself into his arms.

 

“You can’t feel that way about me. You’re confused.” His eyes hardened and he pushed up from the bed, turning his back to her. He ran his hand through his hair.

 

“I’m not confused. I’ve felt this way for five years. I know how I feel about you.” The words tasted like poison on her tongue.

 

He twisted sharply, his hands were fists by his sides. From the outside she can see his anger but she can feel one emotion more than the rest…fear. He was scared.

 

_Don’t be afraid, I feel too._

 

He was staring at her with a look Rey couldn’t quite decipher. His gaze so strong, she could melt beneath it. Maybe, she thought, he was staring at her like she was the light to his darkness. Because it was like she was drowning and he was her air.

 

“Don’t look at me like that. I can’t breathe when you look at me like that,” she choked.

 

“Like what?” he questioned, his eyes narrowed.

 

“Like you want to kiss me.” The words came out barely more than a whisper.

 

His footsteps began to widen the space separating them and Rey’s heartbreak began all over again. She could hardly breathe, could hardly think. She wanted to throw her arms around his torso and cling onto him, anything to stop him from walking way. And perhaps she’d never let him go.

 

“I don’t-”

 

Bullshit. It was utter bullshit.

 

“Stop lying!” she cried.

 

“I’m not lying, Rey. I don’t feel that way about you. I don’t love you,” he said icily. His words completely unwavering as he flared his nostrils, “I don’t want you.”

 

She took a step back in shock. Her mouth fell open. He meant it, he truly didn’t love her. She was an idiot, a complete and utter idiot. She was a fool too blinded by the idea of someone wanting her. There was no way Ben was any different to the rest of them. Everyone throws her away in the end. She was nothing.

 

Then, finally, she managed to squeak out, “You’re a monster.”

 

“Yes, I am,” he responded coldly, his eyes empty.

 

He opened his bedroom door, motioning for her to leave. She swallowed back her tears as she shoved past him, deliberately shouldering him on the way through.

 

“Rey?” Poe called after her but she didn’t stop.

 

“What did you fucking do to her?”  She heard him say as she pushed against the front door and gasped at the chilly air in the hallway.

 

*

 

It wasn’t until she reached the warmth of her own bed that she let herself feel. It all came at once. Each one of his words like a knife to her chest, cutting away at her heart.

 

_I don’t love you._

 

One final blow and her mended heart was crushed once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.
> 
> You have my permission to attack me in the comments.
> 
> did you spot the Grey's and The Fosters quotes?


	5. 2011 part three (17 years old)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks Kylohhh for beta'ing this chapter for me! 
> 
> I'm trying to update weekly (mondays most likely) from now on.

“Peanut?”

 

Rey felt a hand clasp around her wrist. She looked down and back up to meet Finn’s concerned eyes.

 

“Huh? Oh, sorry. What was that?” she asked, biting her lip.

 

“I said have you finished the calculus homework?” Finn raised an eyebrow and tapped his pencil against his textbook.

 

She nodded her head once and glanced around the library. Her vision glazed over as  she observed the people around her. The almost empty room echoed with faint chatter. Over in one corner sat a poor soul with their nose stuck in a textbook, the others looked like they were ready to rip out their hair.

 

“Yeah I did it last week,” she responded, still gazing around the room.

 

Her eyes landed on a couple in the far corner. The girl sat in her partner’s lap, while he let her take a bite from his muffin. Something panged within her chest. Yearning. She has that though, with Chris.  She shouldn’t feel jealous.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Yep, great,” she answered quickly and snapped her attention back to Finn.

 

“You’re my best friend. You know you can tell me anything? Even if it is about Ben,” he  said in a knowing tone and gave her arm a reassuring squeeze.

 

“Who said it was about Ben?” Rey stuttered and looked down at the table.

 

“It always is. He’s the only person who can get you this worked up,” he continued slowly, his voice slightly accusing.

 

Rey lifted her gaze to Finn, feeling sheepish. She took a deep breath, ready to finally admit the truth.  She focused her eyes over his shoulder because she couldn't handle looking him in the eye.

 

“Okay, maybe he had a bit to do with it.” 

 

There was an an awkward moment of silence before she spoke again. “I told him how I felt about him.”

 

“You what?!”

 

Finn’s eyes widened and he collapsed back into his chair.

 

Rey furrowed her brows. “You said that bracelet meant something.”  _ This is your fault. _

 

“It does but I didn’t mean go tell your adult foster cousin that you love him.” His mouth dropped open and he leaned forward in his seat as though this was the most interesting thing he had ever heard.

 

“Too late now. Pretty sure he already knew though,” Rey shrugged and chewed her cheek nervously.

 

“Yeah, you aren’t so subtle,” Finn chuckled.

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Anyway, what did he say?” he questioned.

 

“That he didn’t love me,” Rey almost choked on her words.

 

It still hurt. It was the first time she had admitted out loud and it fucking sucked.

 

“Oh,” Finn frowned. “You believed him?”

 

“Yeah,” she sighed.

 

“Have you seen him since?”

 

“No, I have been avoiding him,” she admitted.

 

She had actively been avoiding him. He dropped something around for Luke last night but she refused to come downstairs. He must have received the message because he did not come to search for her. Part of her wished he had.

 

“Maybe you should try and talk about it,” Finn suggested.

 

“It’s too late. I ruined everything.”

 

She exhaled and sucked on her bottom lip, forcing herself not to get emotional. She watched Finn’s face fall. She didn’t need his pity. The awkward silence lingered between them.

 

Rey looked over at the clock on the far wall;it was getting late. She had promised Leia she would be over in the afternoon. She snapped her books shut and shoved everything from the desk in front of her into her bag.

 

“Are you going to his place?” Finn asked.

 

“No, I’m going to Leia’s. I promised I’d help with her gingerbread house,” Rey explained before reaching over the desk and giving him a hug.

 

*

 

Rey had her folder tucked under her arm and her heavy bag slung over her shoulder as she rounded the corner into Leia’s street. She would usually catch the bus home but Leia’s house was closer to the school than her own, and she really needed the exercise today. She had hoped that the wind would carry away any thoughts she had of Ben. It almost worked, until she saw his black Audi parked in Leia’s driveway.

She froze, taking a step backwards as she grasped for any excuse she could come up with to not walk through that front door. 

 

_ Just keep walking, Rey. Just walk straight past and go home. _

 

She told herself over and over again, forcing herself to put one foot in front of the other.

 

_ He won’t even see you. _

 

She had almost made it when she noticed Luke’s car parked beside Ben’s. What was going on? She pulled her phone from her bag to see if she had any missed calls. Nothing. If there was something important happening, no one had told her.

 

She didn’t even bother knocking before she opened the front door.

 

“No, absolutely not!”

 

Ben’s familiar deep voice echoed through the house. Rey held her breath and gently pushed the door closed behind her. She paused, listening to where the voices had originated from. She heard a mumble and a hushed conversation. The kitchen, they were in the kitchen.

 

“Ben we have to-” Mara spoke next, her calming tone doing nothing to diffuse Ben’s temper.

 

What? Mara was there too?

 

Rey crept towards the doorway of the kitchen. She rested her back against the wall, her head tilted to the side as she tried to hear what they were saying. The lounge room light was off, but the beam from the kitchen lights trickled over the threshold.

 

“They can’t just take her!” he shouted. The sound of something smashing caused Rey to flinch.

 

She leaned forward, her head just out of view from her family. Her hands were splayed out against the wall as she steadied herself.

 

“They told us this could happen.”  

 

“Why are you not trying to fight this?” Ben growled.

 

Rey could hear footsteps approaching across the wooden floor. She backed up quickly, trying to hide. Ben stopped dead in his tracks and Rey’s breathing hitched. He twisted slowly and looked directly at her. His eyes widened and Rey felt herself shrinking under his gaze.

 

“Rey,” he breathed heavily, “How much did you hear?”

 

“Not much,” Rey squeaked, her cheeks flaming. She had been caught.

 

She stepped towards him, there was that pull again. She was supposed to be angry with him, hate him but she couldn’t. He took a step backwards and into the light. That’s when Rey really noticed him. His hair was a mess, his eyes red rimmed like he had been crying.

 

She reached out to him, like she was trying to feel for his emotions. After five years, she still hadn’t been able to consciously feel him. It was like some greater force chose when the … _ bond _ was opened between them. And right now, all she could feel was his rage, it was superficial, and she knew there was more deep down.

 

Luke stepped out from behind Ben. His was face sunken, water was collecting in his eyes. He looked shattered, she had only seen him like this once before- with Han. Oh god.

 

“What is it, Luke?” Rey panicked, she sprinted forward and Ben grabbed her around the shoulders, planting her on the spot.

 

She tilted her chin to look up at him. She watched as he scrunched his eyes closed and his lip trembled. She saw movement and her head snapped towards the doorway. Everyone was there- Luke, Leia, Mara. So what the fuck was going on?

 

Rey shrugged out of Ben’s grip and made her way over to Luke.

 

“Luke, I’m not a kid anymore. You can tell me.” She placed her hand on his arm and nodded.

 

“Okay, okay,” he sighed and looked towards Leia.

 

She gave him a small nod and Luke pulled something from his back pocket.

 

“This came in the mail today,” he explained as he handed her an envelope.

 

Rey took it reluctantly from his hand, tearing the paper from the envelope. Her eyes frantically scanned the typed words. She made it to the third sentence and her heart stopped. No. No. No. This wasn’t possible, this couldn’t be happening.

 

“I don’t understand. What does it mean?” she whimpered.

 

Oh, but she did understand. There it was, written plain as day. They were taking her away.

 

“They’re sending you to another home,” Luke said softly.

 

Luke’s hands came to rest on her shoulders and she was thankful because her knees were ready to give way at any moment. Rey blinked quickly, continuing to stare at the paper in front of her. A single drop of water fell onto the page, turning the words inky. She tilted her head to the ceiling, only to realize it came from her. After all this, she had thought she was all out of tears.

 

“Over my dead body! The fuck they aren’t!” Ben bellowed from behind her and she flinched.

 

“Benjamin!” Leia shouted.  

 

Rey twisted to find Ben with his fists curled and his chest heaving. She wanted to run into his arms and tell him it was going to be okay but that was a lie. And besides, she was still angry at him. She was supposed to hate him, oh, how she wanted to hate him.

 

But seeing him like that, so vulnerable, so …destroyed. How could she hate him?

 

“This must be some kind of mistake. I’m seventeen. I only have one year until I’m legally an adult. Why go to the effort of all the paperwork for a year?”

 

The room was silent for a moment, and Rey’s ears rang. She could hear Ben’s unsteady breathing as he attempted to stay composed. It was like one wrong word could set him off.

 

Luke finally broke the silence with barely more than a whisper, “I don’t know.”

 

“I’ll try and find out more. I’ll pull some strings or something,” Leia said frantically.

 

“This isn’t just some favor mom. You can’t just wave your name tag in their faces,” Ben snarled, a noise deep from his chest.

 

“I’ll figure something out,” Leia sobbed quietly.

 

Rey finally made eye contact with her then. Her eyes were puffy; her mascara had run with the tears down her cheeks. A once serene women was now completely falling apart in front of her.

 

“How long?” she asked, her voice croaky.

 

“Two weeks,” Mara answered from beside Leia.

 

After all this time she thought she had found her home.

 

She was wrong.

 

“I won’t even be able to spend Christmas with you?”

 

Luke closed his eyes and, for a second, looked as though he was going to collapse. “I’m sorry, Rey.”

 

_ Maybe I am destined to never be loved. _

 

_ Don’t say that.  _ A tiny voice told her in the back of her mind.

 

Her head snapped quickly to look at Ben. Suddenly, he couldn't meet her eyes, and Rey felt her stomach flip. Did he just say that? No. That was impossible.

 

Ben twisted away from her, his face shielded from her view. Before she could even process what had just happened, he was gone.

 

“Ben, come back here!” Leia called after him but it was too late, he had already slammed the door.

 

Rey dropped the piece of paper onto the ground and ran towards the door. Twisting the handle, she let the chill of the night prickle her cheeks.

 

“No, don’t go after him,” Leia begged.

 

Rey paused, refusing to look back at her family. She had to do this. She needed answers. She needed  _ him _ .

 

“I have to. He’ll do something stupid if I don’t.”

 

“Be careful. We’ll talk about this later,” Luke responded solemnly.

 

She stepped out into the cold air and looked around. Her eyes narrowed when she saw movement in the front seat of his car. As she approached, she noticed his forehead was rested against the steering wheel.

 

Rey pulled open the passenger door and slid into the seat beside him.

 

“Shit, I’m so sorry. I should be here for you and not running off and throwing tantrums,” he mumbled against the steering wheel.

 

He didn’t have to look up to know that it was her. It was always her who went after him.

 

“Who would you be if you didn’t do that? Certainly not the Ben Solo I know,” Rey teased, trying to break the tension Ben gave a small snort in response.

 

“I’m still angry with you,” she said sternly and folded her arms across her chest.

 

Ben raised his head from the wheel and turned to look at her. His lips pressed together into a thin line. His brown eyes turned sad and searched hers for any sort of reaction.

 

“About the other day…I’m sorry. Forgive me. Please,” he pleaded with her. He had at some point leaned in closer to her and his hand had curled around her own in her lap.

 

“Give me some time. You broke my heart, Ben,” she whispered as she pulled her hand from his grip. He got the message and drew away immediately.

 

“I know and I’m sorry. Please tell me how I can fix this. I’ll do anything. Anything,” he said quietly, his voice quivering.

 

_ Well, shit. _

 

“Can we not talk about it? I don’t want to fight. Not now,” she huffed, remembering that she was supposed to be angry at him, which was getting harder each moment that she was around him.

 

“We’re not just going to pretend that it didn’t happen,” Ben frowned, and his eyebrows knitted together.

 

“I don’t have much longer with you. I don’t want to ruin it by talking about it. I want for things to go back to the way they were.”

 

And it was the truth. She has two weeks with him. Fourteen days with the person who she loved. She did not want to spend it fighting with him.

 

“Okay, just let me say this first. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made you feel like shit. I said some terrible things. You have to know that I didn’t mean any of it. I was scared. I always knew that you felt that way but hearing it out loud… it makes me feel wrong.” He shuddered and dropped his chin into his chest.

 

Rey’s eyebrows shot up. “Why?”

 

“Because I can’t help feeling like I tricked you into loving me. Like I lead you on, like I abused your trust.” He closed his eyes and tilted his head back against the headrest.

 

Her heart almost jumped out of her chest.

 

“You didn’t. You never could. I know what I feel and it’s real,” she explained desperately. She didn’t want it to come out that way but it was her final plea.

 

“I understand that now but it doesn’t make it right.” He turned his head slightly, so that he could see her.

 

Fuck him. How could she want to slap him across the face and pull him against her lips at the same time? And right now, the latter was winning. Fuck him. She needed to distance herself and fast. She was allowing herself to feel again and it was dangerous.

 

“No matter what I feel for you, there will always be someone else out there for you. And knowing that sucks.” 

 

She licked her dry lips, chapped from the heater.

 

His eyes dropped to her lips before he looked away quickly.

 

“Yeah,” he whispered.

 

They sat in silence, both staring out the front window. Ben had the heat running but Rey still shivered slightly. She pulled her knees to her chest and rested her chin on top of them.

 

Rey swallowed and let the question fall from her lips before she lost the courage.

 

“Earlier, just before you walked out. Could you hear what I said? In my head?” She felt her cheeks burn.

 

What if he didn’t hear it? He was going to think she was insane.

 

“I don’t know how to describe it; it was like I could hear what you were thinking,” he answered after a moment.

 

“What is it? What does it mean?”

 

He paused, carefully choosing his next words. His face contorted into a look of confusion. He didn’t have an answer for it either.

 

“I don’t know. I guess we just know each other too well.” He shrugged and smirked widely at her.

 

“Yeah, probably,” she said unconvinced but returned his smile.

 

“Are we okay?” he asked, picking up on her tone.

 

_ Not even close _ , the tiny voice screamed at her.

 

“Of course.”

 

Rey sat quietly, watching him, taking in every tiny detail. She traced the moles on his face with her eyes, admiring the way the light reflected off of his pale skin.

 

“I’m going to miss you,” she admits after a moment.

 

Ben’s face fell. “I’m going to fix this, Rey. We’ll figure something out.”

 

“I know you’ll try but if it doesn’t work, promise me you’ll remember me.”

 

Without missing a beat, Ben’s eyes softened. “I could never forget you.”

 

Rey scooted closer to the middle console and wrapped her arm around his bicep. He relaxed against her touch and Rey rested her head against his shoulder. Rey noticed his hand flex in front of him, as though he was going to reach for her but decided against it. Ben rested his cheek against the top of her head and sighed deeply.

 

_ I will always love you. _

 

Did he just? No, he couldn’t have. It was just her imagination playing tricks on her again. But despite her sanity, she couldn’t help promising something back.

 

_ I love you too. _

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for your beautiful comments on the last chapter. Y'all made my heart swell.


	6. 2011 part four (17 years old)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things get steamy between these two fools.  
> and we finally get Ben's POV in this chapter.

 

Rey had three days left, 72 hours until she was to be ripped away from her family and thrown into a stranger’s home. They hadn’t even given her a name, let alone a location. It was for privacy reasons- meaning they didn’t want Luke and Mara to come looking for her.

 

Ben hadn’t been to work since they found out. She told him to go, she was still attending classes anyway. It was pointless for him to be home when she wasn’t. She thought maybe he hoped she would take a day off and she will. Just not yet. She wanted some semblance of normal; any change would mean it was real.

 

She broke things off with Chris four days ago. He took it well, even said they could continue their relationship until she left. She told him it was a waste of time- there was no point in continuing something that was going to end a few days later anyway.

 

Now she sat curled up on the couch, a blanket wrapped around her knees and a cup of hot chocolate in her hands. She watched the fire crackle, warming the empty room.

 

The sound of a car door slamming caused her to look up from the flames. Ben elegantly emerged from his low car despite his long legs. Rey smiled to herself and chugged the rest of her drink before placing the mug on the table in front of her.

 

Ben knocked once before he entered.

 

“Hey kid,” Ben greeted as he shrugged off his thick parka jacket and hung it up on the hook.

 

“Hi,” she responded cheerfully.

 

Ben cocked his head before he made his way over to her. He grabbed her ankles, lifting them from the couch and plonked himself down beside her. He released her legs, letting them fall into his lap and he adjusted the blanket so that it covered most of his thighs.

 

“What are you doing?” he asked.

 

“Nothing. Luke and Mara are out doing the shopping.”

 

“Well that’s boring. You could’ve called me you know,” he pouted playfully.   

 

“Oh, because you’re so much more entertaining,” she teased, poking out her tongue.

 

“Excuse me, I’m the life of the party.” He held his chest in mock offense.

 

Rey scrunched her face up and giggled. Ben Solo was the furthest thing from the life of the party. She couldn’t remember the last time he went out.

 

“Well, what do you suppose we do then?” She raised her eyebrows.

 

He paused for a moment, looking at her while he thought.

 

“I don’t know. We could rent a movie? Order some pizza for lunch?” he thought aloud.

 

Rey immediately perked up. It sounded perfect, exactly what she could go for right now. Especially on a frosty winter’s day like today. It was something her and Ben would do quite often- spending the day at his place, watching movies. They had a very similar taste in movies, well, for the most part.

 

“That sounds nice. I wouldn’t say it was a party though.”

 

“We’ll make it one.” He gave her one of his lopsided smirks and her heart melted.

 

Oh, she would never get used to that smile. It was everything to her. He didn’t do it very often, but when he did, it made the world stop.

 

“Go get changed, I’ll be in the car,” he said as he drummed his hands against her shins.

 

“Yes, boss,” she groaned and pulled her feet from his lap.

 

Rey removed the blanket and tossed it over his head. He chuckled and rolled in on himself, pretending to cocoon up in it. She grinned at his childish behaviour  before going up the stairs to change into some warmer clothes.

 

*

 

“No. No way.”

 

“Please, Ben.” Rey pouted and gave him her best puppy dog eyes while she held the Pride and Prejudice DVD to her chest.

 

“You’re not allowed to give me that look. You know I can’t resist that look,” Ben groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.

 

“Why do you think I do it?” She smirked.

 

She had figured out that he was useless against her ‘pretty please’ eyes a long time ago. It amused her that she was still able to do it as an adult.

 

He pulled his hand away from his face and his mouth went slack.

 

“You’re a brat, you know that?” He shook his head but the corner of his lip turned up ever so slightly.

 

“You’ve been telling me for years.” She shrugged and inched closer to him on her tippy toes. “So that’s a yes?”

 

“It’s a ‘fine’ but I’m not happy about it,” he grumbled.

 

“Thanks, Ben. You’re my favourite.”

 

“I know.”  

 

Ben snatched the DVD from her hands and made his way over to the front counter. Rey watched him mope away with a smirk on her face. That’s when she noticed the shelf of sweets across from her. She grabbed everything she could fit in her arms and joined Ben at the counter.

 

“What the fuck, kid? When did you get all this food?” he asked, his eyebrows almost in his hairline.

 

“Just then,” she giggled.

 

He watched with his mouth open as she dumped everything onto the countertop. He shook his head and chuckled.

 

“You’re such a scavenger,” he jabbed at her while he reached in his back pocket.

 

“You like it.”

 

“That’ll be $25.” A female voice said, causing Rey to finally look at the cashier.

 

She was a redhead, maybe around 25, beautiful. And she was gawking at Ben, there was no doubt about it. Rey narrowed her eyes and a twinge of jealousy erupted in her chest. She subconsciously took a step closer, fully prepared to wrap herself around his arm. But when she looked up at Ben, she realized that he had not paid any attention to the woman. 

 

“Have a nice day!” she said cheerfully, batting her eyelids.

 

Ben seized his card off of her and stalked away, not looking the girl in the eye once. Rey lifted her hand to her mouth to hide her satisfied smirk. Rey wrapped her arms around all the food, pulling it against her chest before running off after him.

 

“That cashier was totally ogling you,” Rey explained as she slipped past Ben who was holding the passenger door open for her.

 

“Was she? Didn’t notice.” He tilted his head and shut the door.

 

“You truly are oblivious,” she laughed as he put on his seat belt.

 

He paused and twisted to look at her, his hands gripping the steering wheel. Rey noticed the green smudge on his right wrist, peeking through his jumper. She swallowed and blinked.

 

“To what?” He frowned.

 

“I’m not going to say it,” she stammered, her eyes widening in embarrassment.

 

“Rey,” he started.

 

She closed her eyes and sucked in. Oh god, this is so humiliating.

 

“Fine. To how good looking you are.” She felt her cheeks heat up and she reopened her eyes. His face contorted into an expression of shock mixed with distaste. “No seriously, you are.”

 

“Ah, thanks, I guess,” he murmured, his ears turning to what she imagined to be a similar shade of pink as her cheeks.

 

“Anytime, Solo,” she joked but her voice was slightly too high pitched.

 

The two remained silent the whole way back to his apartment.

 

*

 

 

“I can’t believe you made me sit through that,” he grimaced, switching the TV off by the remote.

 

She leaned back against the couch, smiling sweetly up at him and she simply replied, “Oh, you liked it.”

 

“No I didn’t,” he said too quickly, flicking the blanket off of his legs.

 

Ben pushed up from the couch, his warmth immediately disappearing with him. Rey observed him, chin in hand, as he flung open the fridge door.  

 

“Right. I’m sure you didn’t. You didn’t see your face though. You were captivated.”

 

“Shut up. I was not,” he grumbled, his head still within the fridge.

 

He straightened up, a can of Mountain Dew in his left hand. He held it up, asking silently if she wanted one. Rey shook her head, gulping as he swallowed a mouthful. She blushed shamefully and squeezed her thighs together. Not now, libido. Of course Ben fucking Solo could turn her on by just drinking a soda.

 

“You were. I can’t believe that Mr. tough Ben Solo, is actually soft,” she teased, smiling mockingly.

 

Ben’s eyes narrowed and he placed the can on the bench in front him. He leaned forward, his hands supporting his frame against the countertop.

 

“Come here,” he growled playfully. She shook her head and smirked. 

 

“Brat.”

 

She raised an eyebrow, and sniggered before speaking in a positively predacious tone, “Come and get me.” 

 

He cocked his head to the side, raising one eyebrow. He grinned mischievously and lunged.

 

Rey squealed and jumped from the couch, bounding for the other side of the room.  Rey protected herself behind the tiny round table while Ben shook his head in amusement. He stalked forward, Rey moved in the opposite direction. She could see the wicked glint in his eye and it egged her on. The untamed, ravenous part of her was having the time of her life, watching this beast of a man hunt her down.

 

“Catch me, Solo,” Rey sneered, turning on her heel and running for the door.

 

“You’re on, Jakobs,” she heard him call from behind her.

 

Luckily, Ben’s apartment was just one big circle, meaning it was perfect for running.

 

Rey flicked up the switch to the kitchen light on the way through, almost turning the room pitch black. She used her upper body strength to hoist herself up onto the bench. She crouched in the corner, using her hand to stop her giggles from escaping.

 

She watched patiently as his silhouette filled the doorway. He stopped and flicked the light back on, adjusting his eyesight to the light. Rey used the moment to attack. She launched herself onto his back, wrapping her legs around his hips and her arms around his middle.

 

Ben swayed slightly but regained his posture within seconds. He chuckled, his whole body shaking. His enormous hands closed around her wrists and he carried her back into the lounge room. He attempted to pry her grip from him put Rey held on for dear life.

 

“I got you,” she giggled against his shoulder blades.

 

“We’ll see,” he hummed.

 

Rey sucked in, inhaling his familiar scent of aftershave and sweat. He smelt like home. Suddenly, Ben makes some bizarre movement, too fast for Rey to even fathom what had just happened. His hands had somehow wrenched her arms from him, and twisted her to the side of his body.

 

He bent one knee, moving her body so that she now sat on his stomach. She felt like she was falling but Ben had somehow managed to catch her, depositing her back gently onto the carpet.

 

Rey’s arms were pinned above her head, one of his hands had a firm grip on them both. Her legs remained enveloped around his waist, crossed over on his back. His face was inches from her own, she could just lift her head and their lips would meet.

 

They were both breathless, their heaving chests colliding with each gasp for air. Rey squirmed ever so slightly underneath him and that’s when she noticed how close they actually were. Ben wasn’t holding his lower half up- his hips rested against hers.

 

Fuck.

 

“I win,” he breathed against her cheek.

 

“Hmm, so you do,” she purred, yes purred.

 

“What’s my prize?”

 

“Whatever you want,” Rey whispered, tilting her head up. She was suddenly closer to him than she'd ever expected to get.

 

His mouth opened slightly, his eyes flicked back and forth between her own. She singed his awestruck gaze, and the utter worship in his expression into her brain. Is this what it felt like to be wanted?

 

Rey became hyper aware of where his other hand was- splayed across her ribcage, on the line between her breast and her stomach. Her body involuntarily reacted to his touch, her back arching up off the ground.

 

Her pelvis rocked against his, her core chasing whatever relief he could provide her. He froze, his eyes widening. She worried that she had down something wrong but then he did something she never expected him to do. He thrust against her, groaning softly.

 

Holy shit. That was the hottest thing she had ever heard.

 

Between their shaky breathing and their desire to pursue ecstasy, Rey was almost certain that she heard a knock at the door. Her concerns evaporated when Ben dropped his head into the crook of her neck.

 

His soft lips parted against her skin, and his tongue delicately traced over her pulse point. She felt a zap where his lips touched her, sending a flame through her veins and igniting her heart. It felt like that time in the park when he had grabbed her hand. But this, this was something else entirely. She wondered what would happen if she touched her lips against his or if he was inside of her. Would she be set alight?

 

She would happily burn.

 

Her head lolled back in pure bliss. His hips were no longer rutting against her but every so often, he would jerk up against her, pushing her closer to the edge.

 

Someone cleared their throat loudly, causing Ben to still and lift his head from her shoulder. Rey’s breathing hitched and she stared into Ben’s eyes. Something flashed across them- regret, longing…fear-of being caught or what he had done?  

 

“Solo, I need to speak to you,” a male voice said sternly.

 

The voice sounded familiar, she scraped her memory. Poe. Rey noticed that Ben’s breathing had returned. Part of her felt relief, it was only Poe. God help them if it had been Luke.

 

“Just give me a minute,” he choked, squeezing his eyes shut.

 

Rey considered him for a moment. What was he doing? He lifted his body off of hers and that’s when she noticed the tenting of his sweatpants. Oh,  _ oh _ . She had done  _ that _ to him.

 

“Now, please. It’s important,” Poe demanded.

 

Ben gulped and jerked his head away from her gaze, refusing to look at her. Had he regretted it?

 

He rose from the floor, straightening up his clothes, and running a hand through his hair. He didn’t look back at her laying vulnerably on the ground, her heart bleeding out for him.

 

She prayed that it didn’t look as bad as she imagined it did. But oh, it certainly would’ve looked like exactly what it had been- a deprived imitation of sex. But fuck, if it hadn’t been the most amazing thing she had ever felt.

 

Loving Ben was going to drown her and she embraced the crushing waves.

 

* * *

 

“What was that?” Poe demanded, his back to Ben while his head remained against the recently closed door.

 

Ben stood in the middle of his bedroom, in complete and utter confusion. Not only had Poe decided to let himself into his apartment, he was now angry at him for some unknown reason. Ben had known Poe since they were children through their senator mothers. He was probably Ben’s closest friend besides Rey but god, if the ass didn’t get on his nerves.

 

“What are you talking about?” Ben’s eyes narrowed.

 

“Are you fucking with me right now?” Poe said with a serious tone.

 

He turned from the door and took a step closer to Ben. Ben instinctively took a step back, because he couldn’t help but feel like he had done something wrong. But maybe he had.

 

“No. Please explain what are you are on about because I haven’t a clue.”

 

“Do you really not know?” Poe folded his arms across his chest. His voice emulated both confusion and accusation.

 

_ What was that? _

Oh, fuck.

 

He had walked in on him dry humping his fucking cousin.

 

Fuck.

 

“No,” he lied.

 

“You were on top of her.”

 

“And?” He kept his tone as neutral as he could, even as he prepared himself for a possible berating.

 

There was nothing that Poe could say to him which hadn’t been telling himself for longer than he would like to admit.

 

She’s a child.

 

She’s your cousin.

 

You’re disgusting. Monster. Creep.

 

“Her legs were wrapped around your waist,” Poe accused, his voice prompting him to get a hint.

 

Ben knew exactly what he was implying and it was 100% true. He was wholly and irrevocably in love with Rey. But hearing it out loud made him falter.

 

Poe looked at him expectantly. When Ben didn’t respond, he continued, “Seriously? You looked like you were about to fuck her senseless.”

 

No. No. No.  _ Monster _ .

 

“What?! “I wouldn’t- I would never!” Ben stammered.

 

But, oh, how he wanted to.  _ Monster _ .

 

“I know that… but does she?”

 

There was a single hissing moment of tension in the air, a pressure in the back of his head yelling at him to stop, deny everything.

 

“Yes? She has to. She’s my baby cousin for fuck’s sake. She’s seventeen,” he spewed out the words, they were rehearsed… predictable.

 

They were all reasons not to be in love with her, except they meant nothing to him. He didn’t see any of that when he thought of her. She was just Rey- his Rey.

 

“Barely seventeen and I know that, your brain knows that. Your body was saying otherwise,” he spoke sternly, using his hand to motion over Ben’s body for emphasis.  

 

Ben suddenly felt dirty, vile. That’s when he broke.

 

“I can’t explain it, Poe. It’s like this pull towards her, like we’re magnets. I fight so hard for there not to be something but it’s there and it takes everything in me to not act on it. It’s like she’s my-”

 

“Soulmate,” Poe interjected, his eyes full of pity.

 

Ben nodded sadly before collapsing onto his bed. He buried his face in his hands and begged this pain to go away.

 

He wanted her, more than anything, than life itself. She was his life.

 

_ “My heart was shattered into a million pieces before I met you and you glued it back together. You made it work again, made me feel again. Is it that crazy that it beats only for you?”  _ she admitted to him that day.

 

_ No _ , he wanted to say _. No it’s not, because mine only beats for you. _

 

But he shouldn’t want her. And now she was about to be taken away. He may possibly never see her again. How is he supposed to live with that?

 

“Except she’s not,” he mumbled into his hands. “What am I meant to do?”

 

_ How am I meant to survive? _

 

“Well I would say talk to her and explain that you don’t feel that way about her but you’ve already done that, and you have still managed to lead her on,” Poe said and Ben groaned.

 

Poe managed to get the truth out of him that morning two weeks ago. Rey had admitted her feelings for him and he dismissed her like trash because the truth was he felt exactly the same way, and it terrified him.

 

He had felt her pain, every moment of it but he couldn’t let her know. She wasn’t to know that he felt exactly the same way, felt everything that she did. That he had felt that same knife slice open his chest, carving out his own heart before it was crushed into dust. It mixed with hers on his bedroom floor.

 

“Tell yourself you don’t want her even if it isn’t true, because god help you, the truth is so much worse than breaking her heart again,” Poe said, his shoulders slouched and his eyes sad. Ben recoiled at his words.

 

_ Monster. _

 

“I love her, Poe.” The words slipped from his mouth before he could stop them. But goddamn did it feel good to admit that.

 

Ben looked up to see Poe leaning against the door. His gaze was dark, disapproving but almost sad.

 

“Oh god, I’m so fucked up,” Ben whispered.

 

Poe didn’t say anything, his facial expression remained unchanged. It made Ben feel like hadn’t spoken, like he was being silently judged by his best friend. But the worst part was, that Poe hadn’t tried to deny it either.

 

_ Monster. _

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The support you guys continue to give me in the comments never ceases to amaze me. Thanks so much!  
> And a huge thank you to Kylohhh who has also to beta three chapters within one week xx


	7. 2013 (19 years old)

 

 

**July 2013- 18 years old**

Rey stood on the doorstep of the place she once called home. The two story brick home hadn’t changed since she had left almost two years ago.

 

How could it still feel so familiar yet so alien? Like despite it’s appearance still being the same, their lives had continued on without her? Had they even missed her? Would they want her back?

 

Rey raised her finger to press on the doorbell, but her hands shook too violently to apply any sort of force. She breathed in once. Twice. It was time.

 

“Rey?” Mara asked as soon as the door flung open.

 

The sight of the woman she could’ve called mother nearly brought her to her knees. She was there, standing in front of her. Oh, god she missed her. She watched as the red-headed woman stepped closer to her, cautiously. Mara Jade’s eyes softened and she opened her arms.

 

Rey knew exactly what to do- she fell into her embrace. Home.

 

“Oh my god, Rey,” Mara cried against her shoulder.

 

“Hi, Mara,” Rey breathed as she held onto Mara’s blouse for support.

 

Mara’s hands slipped down to her upper arms and she pushed her away gently. She looked into her mother’s- mother? That was new. Mara’s eyes and saw something she hadn’t seen in three years…love.

 

“Oh, honey. How have you been?”

 

Her heart sank at the memories of the past two years. The place she was sent to was not a home, it was a prison. Unkar Plutt was not a man, he was a monster.

 

She worked all afternoon after school in his scrapyard, fixing old cars and salvaging junk. A thing Rey would’ve once called a hobby became a job she had to complete in order to survive.

 

Plutt would refuse to feed her unless her duties were done, often completed late at night. By the time she was finished, Plutt was already asleep. She wouldn’t dare to wake him, not unless she wanted another bruise to match the ones that were already scattered across her body.

 

He didn’t leave food out for her, so she would instead show him her achievements in the morning. And what was her reward? A granola bar or a packet of crisps. Nothing to survive on. She starved.

 

Rey couldn’t fathom it- she was removed from her abusive birth parents only to be placed in a home no better than her childhood one. How could she have lived in home like the Skywalker’s and end up in a place like Plutt’s?

 

Oh, that’s right. She’s destined to not be loved.  

 

She stared at Mara in front of her, her eyes full of concern, guilt, hope and she couldn’t tell her the truth. It would crush her so instead she fabricated it. “I’ve been okay. It was hard, you know? But I’m okay now.”

 

“I’m so sorry. Oh, gosh. I just can’t believe it. Please come in,” Mara spoke quickly, grabbing Rey’s hand and guiding her into the lounge room.

 

It was exactly how she remembered it. The fireplace by the window, the TV on the far wall. photo frames decorated the countertops and the walls. She noticed a few new ones. They were of her…all of them.

 

They did miss her. This was all too much. She thought she was unwanted but not to them. She was someone to them.

 

Rey suddenly realized that they had only talked about her.

 

“How are you?” She turned to Mara.

 

“I’m not too bad. It was hard when we lost you but you’re back. It’s all okay now. My beautiful girl.” Mara reached out her hand and held Rey’s cheek tenderly.

 

“I missed you so much,” Rey sighed into her touch, but she couldn’t help noticing something in her eyes.

 

“So did I. Luke did too.” Mara smiled sadly. That was it, it was sadness.

 

Despite how happy Mara claimed to be, that she was fine, her eyes said something else. She was not okay. Something was wrong.

 

“Where is Luke?” Rey questioned, looking around the room.

 

Mara froze before taking in a deep breath. She made her way over to the couch before patting the seat next to her. Rey’s brows furrowed in concern as she went to join her.

 

“I don’t know how to say this,” Mara started, shaking her head, “Luke passed away a little over five months ago. He had a stroke at home. I called an ambulance but it was too late.”

 

Luke was dead, gone. Her father was dead and she didn’t get to say goodbye.

 

“Oh god, Mara. I’m so sorry,” Rey sobbed as she lent forward, embracing Mara.

 

“It was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. Burying him.”

 

“I wish I was there to say goodbye,” Rey whispered before loosening her grip.

 

“You were always with him, his little girl.” Mara smiled and tucked a curl behind Rey’s ear.

 

Rey smiled at that. He was always with her too. Rey wiped the tears from her cheeks which was utterly useless because they continued to stream down her face anyway.

 

“Can I get you a tea or anything?” Mara asked.

 

“Tea would be lovely.”

 

“Honey, I want you to know that you are more than welcome to stay here whenever you need to,” Mara said, rubbing her arm.

 

“Thank you. I’m actually starting college at Alderaan in a couple of months. But I would love to come and stay with you until I start. If that would be okay. I don’t want to be a burden,” Rey explained.

 

She had applied to multiple colleges, particularly ones close to the Skywalkers. She had to do it inconspicuously. If Plutt had found out what she was doing, he would have burnt the applications.

 

She received her acceptance letter to Alderaan one sunny afternoon. When she saw the envelope addressed to her she felt everything from excitement to dread. What if she didn’t get in? What if she did?

 

She hid herself away in the shed and opened the letter. ‘Congratulations’ it had said. She read it three times before it sunk in. She was going to college. She was going home.

 

But her excitement quickly disappeared when she realized that Plutt would never allow her to leave, not while he was still her guardian. So she deferred for a year. She waited and waited for paperwork to come through once she turned eighteen. It didn’t happen straight away of course but it took longer than expected.

 

She was getting closer to nineteen every single day and then one morning, a day she would never forget- she was free. But she had nowhere to go, no money, no job. So she ran away in the middle of the night and came to the only place she could think of. It took her 15 hours on a bus, but she finally got there.  

 

“You’re never a burden in this family,” Mara said softly. “You got into college? I’m so proud of you. What are you studying?”

 

“Mechanical engineering,” she answered. It was her dream, always her dream.

 

But she left out one very important part. She was doing an English Lit minor. Was she too ashamed to admit why? Perhaps. Perhaps she was because she only did it for Ben. Well, not for him, but because of him. He made her fall in love with poetry. It’s what helped her get through those years with Plutt.

 

And now she was doing Mechanical Engineering with an English Lit minor in a college just two hours from the people she loves. Sometimes, Rey had to pinch herself to actually remember that this was real.

 

Mara’s eyes lit up. “Han would be happy.”

 

“He certainly would,” Rey laughed and then she paused. “How’s Leia…and Ben?”

 

Mara rubbed her neck and looked away. “Ah, I think it may be best for you to go and see Leia for yourself.”

 

“Is something wrong?”

 

“Uhm, it’s Ben,” Mara explained.

 

Rey’s head shot up at the mention of his name. Was he okay? Oh, god did something happen? Is that why she couldn’t feel him anymore? She wasn’t able to feel him a few hours after they took her away. She assumed it was because of the distance but what if it was because of something else?

 

“What? What happened?” she choked.

 

“He’s okay mostly. Just speak to her. She can explain it better,” Mara said calmly.

 

Okay, okay he was alright. He wasn’t hurt. But something was wrong. Very wrong.

 

She looked down at the brown leather band around her wrist. She twisted along with her charm bracelet as she remembered the worst day of her life.

 

_“Ben, I need to go. They’ll be waiting for me.”_

 

_“Let them wait,” Ben snarled._

 

_“Ben,” Rey whispered sadly._

 

_His large hand was wrapped around hers, his fingers brushing softly over her knuckles. He was sitting on the couch with Rey standing between his legs. He was gazing up at her, his eyes begging her not to go. Oh, she did not want to go either._

 

_Because leaving would mean leaving for good._

 

_“Rey, please,” he pleaded._

 

_“Okay,” she breathed, her free hand come up to cup his cheek. “What do you want to do?”_

 

_“Just sit with me?”_

 

_Tears pricked at her eyes when she realized that this would be the last time._

 

_“I can do that,” she said as she fell onto the couch beside him._

 

_She curled herself up into his side and his arm came around her protectively. He rested his lips against her hair and buried her face into him. While he held close like this, with her cheek pressed to his heart, she could feel the silent sobs erupting in his chest._

 

_“I got you something,” she said after a moment._

 

_Rey removed herself from him so that she could look at him. She reached into her front pocket and pulled out two brown leather bracelets. They were simple but elegant._

 

_“What’s this for?” he asked, running his fingers over them._

 

_“One for you, one for me. I wanted to get something that we could both wear. I know it’s stupid but I wanted you to have something to remind you of me.”_

 

_“No, it’s perfect.” He smiled and took one from her palm before putting it on his wrist._

 

_He looked back up at her, his mouth opening to say something and then his phone went off beside him. He glanced at the screen before groaning._

 

_“No I haven’t seen her,” he said shortly into the phone._

 

_“I’m not-” the voice on the line must have cut him off._

 

_“Fine. Yes, she is here,” he admitted sadly, locking eyes with her._

 

_She knew then it had to be Luke. He was calling for her. Which meant it was time._

 

_“How long?” she asked him._

 

_“Ten minutes,” he sighed._

 

*

 

There was a knock at the door that afternoon. Rey knew instantly who it was.

 

“Rey! Mara said you were back. I couldn’t believe it but you really are here,” Leia gasped and placed her hand on her forearm.

 

Rey grinned widely at the small woman in front of her. She looked the same. She was slightly greyer, her wrinkles a little deeper but she was Leia. Beautiful, magnetic Leia.  

 

“Oh, you’re so grown up. Look at you, you’re beautiful,” Leia fussed, giving her a once over.

 

“Thanks.” Rey blushed.

 

“I made cookies.” Leia grinned and held up the plate.

 

“Just like old times,” Rey laughed and stepped aside so that Leia could enter.

 

“I always have to spoil my favorite niece.”

 

Leia pulled back the plastic wrap and offered her the plate. Rey grabbed the one on the top and took a bite. She had to stop herself moaning. She hadn’t eaten something this good in a long time.

 

“They’re just like I remember- perfect,” Rey beamed and Leia perked up.

 

Leia followed Rey into the house before sitting on the lounge beside her. Mara came in from the kitchen with a cup of tea for each of them. Rey nodded her thanks to Mara as she sat down and turned her attention back to Leia.

 

“I’m so sorry about Luke.”

 

“Thank you. It was tough with you, Luke, and then Ben.” Leia looked at her, her eyes a vortex of emotion.

 

She waited her to continue, but when she didn’t explain, she pressed, “Ben?”

 

Leia sighed before she spoke, “After they took you away, he snapped. It completely destroyed him. He couldn’t stand to be around us anymore. If it weren’t for you, I think he would have up and left a long time ago. You were the only thing that kept him around.”

 

He’s gone too? She doesn’t know why she is surprised. Everyone always leaves her in the end.

 

“What happened?” she asked.

 

“He packed up his apartment, left me a note and disappeared. I haven’t spoken to him for two years.” Leia’s voice trembled. She was heartbroken.

 

Something snapped within Rey. She wanted to understand where Ben was coming from but he had left his mother, his family when they needed him the most. He was being selfish.

 

“Do you have any idea where he went?”

 

“He was working for Senator Snoke, for longer than I realized. He must have gotten into his head.” Leia flinched at the recount.

 

“That snake,” Rey hissed.

 

She always knew Snoke was bad news. Watching him in the Senate for years, he always had that look about him. Like he only got there through dirty money and bribes. Rey had met him once at Leia’s dinner party. She met a lot of the Senators but he stood out the most. He radiated hatred and deception, it irked her.

 

And to hear that Ben had joined him. It made her blood boil. Surely Ben knew what kind of beast that man was. He couldn’t have joined him willingly; he had to have had something over him.

 

“There was someone leaking private information into the media just before my campaign. I couldn’t figure out who it was. I hired a PI and learned that it was my own son. I was heartbroken. When I asked him why, he told me that Snoke understood him in a way that I could never.”

 

“What does that even mean?” Rey blinked.

 

Ben had joined him at his own free will. He betrayed his own mother. What had happened to him?

 

“I don’t know. But I had to fire him. That just made him hate me more,” Leia exhaled.

 

“He became cold and distant. There were warning signs that he planned to leave, but I ignored them. I was too focused on doing damage control. Once again, more focused on my career than my only child,” Leia’s voice cracked and that’s when Rey noticed that she was crying.

 

“He made his own choices,” Mara piped up for the first time.

 

“Sometimes I don’t think he did. He tried so hard for so long but it in the end, it wasn’t enough. Snoke had already turned his heart by the time I discovered what was happening.”

 

“He has to come back,” Rey almost demanded.

 

“I don’t think he will,” Leia said sadly.

 

“I’ll bring him home,” she promised and placed her hand over Leia’s.

 

“I know you will try but Rey, even if you do find him, there’s no telling if there is anything left of him.” Leia hesitated and looked down at her hands.

 

Leia for the first time didn’t look like herself. She looked beyond her years. Tired and worn down. As though life was slowly eating away at her.

 

“He’ll be in there somewhere. He has to be,” Rey said quietly.

 

After all, he had promised her on that day that he would hold on for her.

 

_“Ben, open this door right now!” Luke yelled, not even bothering to knock._

 

_Rey jumped from Ben’s arms and snapped her head towards the front door. They were here._

 

_She turned back to Ben who was staring at the door, wide eyed. He made no indication of planning to move._

 

_“Ben, open it. We can’t put this off forever,” she told him._

 

_Ben turned to her, looking her dead in the eye, his words unwavering, “We can. We’ll run away.”_

 

_Rey froze, her eyes nearly popping out of her head. And she thought for a single second that maybe they could. They could run off and be together forever. Just them._

 

_But then she came back into reality. There was no escape from this. Not only were they standing on the other side of that door, what would happen to them if they did escape? How long would it last until they were caught?_

 

_“Don’t be silly. It’s okay,” Rey breathed._

 

_She went to push up from the couch but Ben’s hand came to her thigh, pushing her back down. He shook his head in a warning and started for the door. He looked at her one last time before twisting the handle._

 

_Her eyes landed on Luke first and then she noticed that both Mara and Leia were either side of him._

 

_“Rey Jakobs?” A mysterious voice asked._

 

_And her attention was pulled to a man in a suit, one she had never seen before. But next to him was her case worker._

 

_“Yes, that’s me,” Rey squeaked._

 

_“You’ll have to come with us. Do you have your belongings?” the man asked._

 

_“Yes, they’re right here,” Rey said timidly._

 

 _She didn’t have much. Just some clothes, some pictures, and her teddy which Finn had given her. It was a cheap one from an arcade game, but it meant a lot to her._ _It was one of the first times she had been out with a friend._

 

_“Surely there’s some other way?” Leia questioned._

 

_“Sorry, ma’am,” the man said, his voice monotone._

 

_Suddenly it dawned on her, this was it. Maybe Leia was right, maybe there was another way._

 

_“I’ve only got one year left, one year and I’m eighteen,” she explained._

 

 _She tried to get them to see reason, she was desperate. Even for a little more time, just while they figured out what to do. Any sort of delay in the paperwork could_ _mean they might be able to think of a plan. Hell, it would even give her and Ben time to run away._

 

_“We’re just doing what we’ve been told,” the woman said._

 

_Rey nodded sadly before picking up her bag. She hesitantly took a few steps towards them. Luke stepped forward and took her bag from her. Rey smiled in return._

 

_The woman came forward and placed her hand on Rey’s shoulder. As a sign of comfort or to move her along? She couldn’t tell. Suddenly, she felt her hand be removed forcefully from her shoulder._

 

_“Get your fucking hands off of her,” Ben growled._

 

_Rey froze and turned to look at Ben. He had murder in his eyes._

 

_“Sir, we will call the police,” the man threatened._

 

_Ben stalked forward, he towered over the man. Ben inched forward and the man cowered below him._

 

_“I will end you and everything you’ve ever loved,” Ben hissed, grabbing a fist full of the man’s shirt._

 

_Rey surged forward, desperate to stop him before he did something awful. “Ben, will you stop?”_

 

_“No!” he yelled without even looking at her._

 

_“Ben, please don’t cause a scene. You can’t go to prison, it’ll ruin you.” She tried reasoning with him with no luck._

 

_“I don’t care!”_

 

_“I don’t want this to be the last memory I have of you.” Her voice cracked and she noticed his breathing deepen immediately. His attention was still locked completely on the stranger._

 

_“Just let me go,” she whispered, placing her hand on his bicep._

 

_“I can’t,” he said quietly before releasing his grip and turning towards her._

 

_“You can. Now you listen to me. You’re going to feel like you’re alone now. But you’re not. You’ll always have me,” she placed a hand on his chest, “In here.”_

 

_Ben dropped his head, a quiet sob escaping his lips. His hands came to his chest, encasing her own._

 

_“Let me go. There will be no revenge, you hear me? Don’t let this turn you into a monster. I’ll be okay.”_

 

_“What about me?” he whispered._

 

_“If there was something I could do about that, I would. But you’ll just have to be brave. We both will.” Her words came out smooth and convincing._

 

_She didn’t know where she found the strength, because on the inside she was breaking. On the inside she was dying, because her lifeline was also dying._

  


* * *

**November 2013- 19 years old**

 

Rey hadn’t expected it to hurt this much, standing at the door to his apartment. The last time she had been here was the worst day of her life. And now she stood there, a place that should be theirs, but now belongs to Poe.

 

Ben had left his fucking apartment to Poe. She was angry not at Poe, but at the fact that Ben hadn’t sold it completely. It gave her the stupid hope that maybe one day he would return.

 

She would’ve kept a hold of that hope if she hadn’t spent three months searching for him. Every lead was a dead end. Ben Solo no longer existed.

 

It had taken three months for her to build up the courage to even turn up at his apartment- Poe’s apartment. And now she was wondering why she even did it in the first place. Nothing good is going to come of this.

 

“Rey?” Poe stepped back in shock.

 

“Hi.”

 

“Wow, ah, come in.” He motioned for her to enter.

 

“Thanks,” she muttered as she pushed past him.

 

She looked up and the air was taken from her lungs. It was exactly the same. He had left everything behind. She stopped and looked towards his room. Would it still be the same?

 

She sprinted down the hall before she froze in front of his door. She took in a deep breath and opened it. She half expected him to be splayed out across the bed. Stupid.

 

It was all there. His CDs and DVDs still lined up on his shelf. His calligraphy set remained open on the desk, presumably from the letter he had written Leia.  

 

Everything came rushing back at once, too much for her to handle. She began to stumble back until her calves hit the bed. She let herself fall backwards into its cushiony embrace.

 

Oh, god. It still smelt like him. She curled in on herself, cocooning into his blankets. She just laid there, letting herself cry into his bed sheets.  

 

*

 

Rey wasn’t sure how long Poe had left her to lay there for but when he finally tapped her gently on the shoulder, it was dark out.

 

Rey sniffed and sat up on the bed, fiddling with the frill on the blanket. Poe came to sit down directly across from her. The two sat in silence for a while.

 

“Did he ever find his soulmate?” Rey asked.

 

“No. I don’t think he ever believed in it,” Poe responded.

 

“Why?”

 

“I think he wanted it to be you,” he said softly.

 

“What?” Rey breathed, her eyes widening.

 

“He was in love with you, Rey, and it was killing him. He would burn the world to the ground if it meant he could dig you from the ashes.”

 

“He couldn’t, no.” Rey shook her head forcefully.

 

He wasn’t in love with her. He told her. He could never feel that way about her. Did he love her? Of course he did, there was no doubt about that. But he was never in love with her. That kind of love was meant to be saved for his other half.

 

Poe’s gaze flicked between her eyes, a flash of empathy crossed his features. “The way he was looking at you that day. I got it then, you were his whole world. You, were his entire reason for living.”

 

_My heart beats only for you._

 

Was it possible? Did he feel the same way about her?

 

Poe swallowed before continuing, “He loved you so much that he couldn’t fathom loving anyone more than you. He didn’t want anyone else but you. And he hated himself for it.”

 

“I don’t know how to process this,” Rey exhaled.

 

“Take your time,” Poe smiled and went to get up from the bed.

 

“Does he truly not believe in the mark?” Rey asked quickly, causing him to stop.

 

Poe looked her for a moment as though he was searching for the right words to say. “No. His grandparents were soulmates and that ended tragically. It sent his grandfather insane when his grandmother died. It terrified Ben that he may one day be capable of what his grandfather did, if he found his soulmate and he lost them.”

 

She remembered that story. Leia had told her a long time ago. Anakin had met Padme and they sparked immediately, noticing the marks straight away. But it was forbidden, she was a Queen and he was one of her guards. Even if they were soulmates, a Queen could not marry a nobody like Anakin.

 

And so they hid their love, having a secret affair in the castle. Padme eventually fell pregnant with Luke and Leia. Padme denounced her title, the crown going to the next in line. She was going to flee Naboo with Anakin, but she died in childbirth and it sent Anakin insane.

 

He killed hundreds of people. The majority of which were senators and royalty. He was sentenced to death and Luke and Leia were sent to live with other families. Nobody except their close friend Ben Kenobi knew that Padme had two children.

 

The families fled the small country of Naboo and somehow against all odds, Luke and Leia found their way back to each other years later.

 

And it hit her. Ben was afraid of becoming Anakin.

 

“He was afraid to love?” she questioned.  

 

“I really think so,” Poe nodded.

 

Rey remembered back to that day. She had never seen Ben as violent and uncontrolled as he had been then. But it was what happened after that what made her realize that Ben was not a bad person. Everything he did, he did for her.

 

_“Rey,” Ben sobbed._

 

_“I’ll come back one day, when I’m free,” Rey promised._

 

_She brought her hands to either side of his head, forcing him to look at her. His eyes were a hurricane of pain, hatred, and love. So many unspoken words, too many loose ends._

 

_“I’ll find a way, Rey.”_

 

_“Take care of yourself.”_

 

_“I can’t do this,” Ben wept, shaking his head._

 

_“Yes you can. Ben, I-” Rey started but she noticed something in his eyes. She faltered._

 

 **_Don’t say it_ ** _. His eyes pleaded._ **_Please, don’t say it_ ** _. “No, don’t. I already know.”_

 

_And then he brought his hands to her cheeks. They both stood there, holding each other like there was nobody else in the room. And she felt everything at once. It flooded her vision._

 

_Every moment he held her._

 

_Every moment he kissed her forehead._

 

_Every moment he had told her she was his home._

 

_Every moment was locked away in her heart forever._

 

_He was a feeling she would never forget._

 

_“Then you know how important it is to me that you don’t do anything reckless,” she told him, biting her lip._

 

_His arms embraced her tightly as he held onto her for dear life. As though if he let her go, she would turn to dust. Rey returned his hug just as passionately. She buried her face into his neck and breathed him in one last time._

 

_It was time._

 

_She pulled away from him, but his arms still held onto her back. She leaned forward._

 

_“I love you,” she whispered in his ear, grazing her lips against his cheeks as she pulled back._

 

_And that was it, just like that it was over. She gazed up at him through blurred eyes to see that he too was crying._

 

_His hands dropped from her back and came to lift up her wrist. He played with the heart on her charm bracelet. The one he had given her, the one he had never told her the meaning of. And she finally understood._

 

**_You’ll always have my heart._ **

 

_She stepped back from him and his hands released her. She continued backwards until she collided with what she assumed to be Luke’s chest. She couldn’t find the strength to care. His arm tightened around her, giving her support before he began to walk her from the apartment._

 

_She watched helplessly and Ben stood alone in the centre of the room, with each step it became harder to see his face. Until Luke finally pulled her into his side and she could no longer see anything, she could barely put one foot in front of the other._

 

_And then, it went through her like a knife. So much pain, unfathomable pain. Like every nerve was being ripped from her body. She couldn’t breathe. Is this what bleeding out felt like? She couldn’t imagine anything feeling worse than this._

 

_This was what dying felt like._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to the fabulous Kylohhh for beta'ing this chapter. 
> 
> any Doctor who fans out there? Did you spot the twelve and clara dialogue?


	8. 2014 (20 years old)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry this update is a day late. I'm on holidays and in an area with no reception.

Rey bounced into the lecture hall, arm in arm with Rose. She was so eager to begin her second year classes. After a three-month break, she was kind of ready to get back into the swing of things. She spent the break living at Mara’s and she loved every moment of it. It was what she always did- she went home every break and the occasional weekend if she didn’t have a shift at Maz’s Brew.

 

Maz was pretty lenient with her hours and she understood that she had university commitments. Maz immediately took her under her wing and was ecstatic to learn that she grew up with Han and Leia. They all went way back apparently.

 

Her roommate dragged her into the third row, not where she would have chosen if given the option. Rey much preferred to hang near the back, remain faceless in the crowd. She knew there was no point arguing with Rose; this was not a fight she would win so instead she groaned and fell into the chair next to her.

 

Rose pulled out her laptop and began showing her photos from her break. Rey sat with a smile plastered on her face, enjoying seeing such joy in Rose as she spoke of her family and friends. Rey had craved a life like Rose’s ever since she could remember, but for some reason she wasn’t jealous of her.

 

This was Rey’s new life, her new beginning and she couldn’t be happier that someone like Rose was in it along with Mara and Leia. The two of them were laughing as Rose scrolled through the photos of her family. Rose explained what was occurring in the picture.

 

Rose was in hysterics and Rey giggled at her delight. Rose suddenly stopped laughing and her eyes widened.

 

“Whoa, your eyes!” she exclaimed.

 

“What? What’s wrong?” Rey panicked, bringing her hands to her face, feeling for anything out of place.

 

“They’re green.”

 

“They’ve always been green,” Rey scoffed and furrowed her brows.

 

“No. They were hazel. They are now green, like green green. Almost unnaturally so,” she explained. Rey watched Rose’s face fill with curiosity.

 

She found herself momentarily confused before she brushed Rose off. “I think you’re seeing things.”

 

The two were so wrapped up in their world that they hadn’t noticed that the class had started. In fact, they were the only ones still talking and everyone single eye was on them.

 

“Am I interrupting something ladies?” A deep voice echoed through the hall.

 

Rose and Rey shot each other a look, they knew it was directed at them. Rey sat up in her seat so that she could see the origin of the voice from over Rose’s laptop. Rey’s mouth almost dropped to the floor.

 

“Rey?” The tall, handsome man standing in the centre of the room whispered loud enough for Rey to hear.

 

“No, fucking way.” Rey shook her head; this was not happening.

 

Several people around her looked confused, others couldn’t care less. The pair just stared at each other, neither daring to look away. Ben jumped when someone in the room dropped something on to the wooden floors.

 

Rey broke the silence first, “Sorry, Professor Ren.”

 

The name tasted wrong on her tongue. That was not his name.

 

“That’s fine, Miss...?” Ben raised his eyebrows as he awaited her response. Nice save, Solo.

 

“Jakobs.” Rey’s cheeks reddened at the realisation that she had just been reunited with the love of her life in front of a hundred strangers.

 

“Right. Miss Jakobs, be sure that it doesn’t happen again.”

 

Rey nodded quickly and Ben turns his back to the class.

 

Rey watched carefully as Ben ran his fingers roughly through his hair. He was clearly agitated and confused. She knew her face was beet red but she didn’t want anymore attention drawn to her. She kept her eyes on her workbook in front of her, afraid to see if anyone was staring at her.

 

“What was that all about?” Rose whispered to Rey.

 

“I have no idea.” Rey bit her lip.

 

Oh but she did know, she knew exactly what that was.

 

Class seemed to go slowly. This was not what Rey thought today was going to be like. She barely listened the whole time, instead she watched Ben carefully. She observed his every move, the passion in his eyes when he spoke about some of the classics. It made her smile.

 

Every now and then he would hold eye contact with her. Only just long enough for her to blush, but not long enough for everyone else to notice. He had the same look in his eye that he did when they were younger- admiration, love. Rey squirmed in her seat and Rose furrowed her eyebrows at her.

 

“Cramp,” Rey said quickly.

 

She looked up at Ben and was still staring at her. His gaze was stony, dark…hungry. He gulped and shook his head before he turned away.

 

“That’s all for today. Have a look at the readings before Wednesday’s lecture.” Ben began to tidy up as the class filed out of the hall.

 

Rey still hadn’t moved from her seat.

 

“Rey!” Rose was standing at the end of the aisle ready to go.

 

“Hmm?” Rey mumbled.

 

“Are you going to get up?” Rose had one hand on her waist and the other holding her bag over her shoulder.

 

“Ah… yeah, yeah.” Rey quickly gathered up her things and shoved them into her backpack.

 

She followed Rose out of the door, not glancing back towards Ben.

 

“Uhm, actually, I have to go do something. Sort out my subjects. I’ll, uh…meet you in the library.” Rey fumbled with the sleeves of her shirt as she tried to think of an excuse.

 

“Ah, okay. I’ll see you soon,” Rose responded.

 

Rey didn’t answer, instead she turned to face the door she had just exited from. She took in a deep breath and pushed it open. Ben looked up quickly from his book as Rey stepped forward.

 

Ben froze, and then shook his head as if he was trying to wake himself up from a dream.

 

“Rey,” he whispered her name in disbelief.

 

“Ben,” she echoed.

 

“You’ve grown up,” he said while he looked her up and down.

 

His gaze roaming over her body did things to her. The familiar feeling of heat in the pit of her stomach when she was around him began to gather. She squeezed her legs tightly. How after all this time could he still have this effect on her? Just his molten eyes alone turned her into a puddle.

 

“That usually happens. You cut your hair,” she spotted.

 

It was shorter than the last time she had seen him. It was still long, covering his ears. Rey knew he liked to keep them hidden. It was his biggest insecurity, although, Rey never understood it. She adored his ears.

 

“Needed a change,” he said simply with a shrug.

 

Besides the hair, not much had changed. He still wore the same black framed glasses for reading. He sported his usual black suit pants and the sleeves rolled up on his dress shirt.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were a professor?” Rey asked as she stepped closer.

 

“Well we kind of lost touch, remember?” he said bitterly.

 

“As if I could forget.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Rey closed her eyes, knowing that what she was about to ask could ruin everything. But it was too late to worry about that now, they were ruined a long time ago. 

 

So she looked back up at him and asked, “Where have you been, Ben? After all these years, I thought you were gone, but you were right here.”

 

“They took you away. Just like that. There was no way to contact you. They wouldn’t allow us to search for you.” Ben’s eyes seemed to cloud over as he recounted the past.

 

“I went back home looking for you. Imagine my heartbreak when your mother told me she hadn’t spoken to you for three years.” Rey swallowed and hoped the tremor in her voice wasn't too noticeable.

 

“You being ripped from our family didn’t just hurt you. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I had to get out that place, there were too many memories. My mom still had pictures of us all around the house and Luke was never the same.  _ I  _ was never the same.” His voice cracked ever so slightly on the last sentence.

 

He was being selfish. He had a family who loved him. The same family which she was torn away from and he chose to leave voluntarily.

 

“Luke and Leia needed you and instead you just left them. They didn’t just lose me, they lost you as well. You left them with no children. You had a family who loved you, gave a damn about you.” she accused, “I don’t understand how...why.”

 

“No you don’t, because yours threw you away like garbage.” 

 

“Don’t you dare!” she yelled, “Did you ever stop to think what you did to them?”

 

He flinched as though her words had stung him.

 

“No, I didn’t.”

 

“Of course you didn’t because you only care about yourself,” she spat.

 

“That’s not true.” His expression grew cold, and he studied her carefully before walking out from behind the podium.

 

“Isn’t it?”

 

“I cared about you…I  _ care _ about you.” His voice was faint, almost a whisper.

 

If she hadn’t been so angry, those words would have caused her to launch herself back into his arms. Back into her home.

 

“What about the rest of the family who loves you?”

 

“They mean nothing to me,” he said flatly. His voice void of any emotion.

 

“Don’t say that!” she cried.

 

“It’s the truth. You were the only thing that mattered to me. The only thing that felt real and even then, I still couldn’t have you. Don’t you understand? I’m not meant to be happy, Rey!” he shouted, his fist slamming against the podium.

 

“You could’ve been,” she snarled.

 

“What? In a home where your ghost was everywhere I turned. That wasn’t a life.” He turned away from her, his shoulder heaving.

 

“You could’ve waited two years, two years and I came back for you. It was the first thing I did after I got out of the system. But you weren’t there.”

 

“How was I supposed to know that!” He roared and he pushed the podium over.

 

The crashing of wood and metal onto the ground caused Rey to jump back. Her eyes widened and her body was telling her to run. There was a small part of her that actually feared him, that was new.

 

But despite her distress, she managed to speak, “How could you not? I loved you. I was always going to come back.”

 

He twisted on his heel at her admission. His form relaxed and his eyes flashed with something unrecognizable. Ben advanced towards her, only to stop halfway when she stepped back. A stifled noise escaped him as he realized that she was too afraid to be near him.

 

“I fucked up, okay?”

 

“Yes, you did,” she hissed. “What about your mother, huh?”

 

“She’ll be fine,” he muttered.

 

“She lost her brother too. Luke is dead. Did you know that at least?”

 

Ben staggered back as though he had been struck. Whatever walls he had built up, whatever lies he had told himself about not loving his family crumbled to pieces. He still cared and Rey knew it.

 

“No. Oh, Rey, I’m so sorry.” His face contorted into what appeared to be pain.

 

Rey could’ve sworn she saw his lip tremble. And for just a moment she let herself feel something for him again. She saw the broken Ben Solo she once loved, not this cold façade he called Kylo Ren.

 

“I thought you wouldn’t. I would’ve hoped one of us could’ve been there to say goodbye,” she said sadly.

 

“Rey-” Ben started. His face full of grief.

 

His hand reached out for her. Three years ago, Rey would’ve taken it in a heartbeat. But not anymore. She had grown up and moved on.

 

“Bye, Ben,” she uttered before stalking out of the door.

 

She didn’t turn back; she was never going to look back.

 

But if she had, she would’ve seen the broken man on his knees. His head in hands as he sobbed for the ones he had lost.  

 

Rey ran into the closest bathroom, locking it behind her. She stared at her reflection in the mirror and she gasped. Rose was right, her eyes were green. She lifted her fingers to her face, tugging her cheek to get a closer look. She leaned into the mirror and her eyes widened.

 

She shook her head and splashed her face with cold water. She gazed back up into the mirror. Her eyes were slightly duller now, closer to a hazel color. Well what she thought was her usual color- it’s not something she had paid much attention to. They were always green; she was sure of it. It must just be the light.

 

One thing she was not sure of, however, were her feelings for Ben. She thought after all this time, all these years convincing herself that he was a monster. That he didn’t care about her or their family, that she would hate him. But seeing him today it was the complete opposite

 

It dawned on her then…she still loved him.

 

*

 

“So did you sort it out?” Rose asked as the two walked side by side through the courtyard.

 

“Huh?” Rey stopped and blinked at Rose.

 

“Your subjects?” Rose cocked her eyebrow in confusion.

 

Subjects, of course. Not Ben.

 

“Oh, yeah, um, all good now.”

 

“Good.”

 

Rose stopped on a patch of grass in the sun before she dropped her bag and collapsed to her knees. Rey looked around quickly, checking who was around before joining her on the ground. Rose rummaged through her backpack and pulled out a pair of sunglasses. She popped them on and laid back onto the grass, folding her arms under her head as a pillow.

 

“So, Professor Ren, ‘ey?” Rose said while she looked up at the sky, soaking in the sun.

 

“What about him?” Rey asked quickly, trying her best to conceal her panic.

 

She couldn’t know about them could she? She didn’t follow her back into the lecture hall, surely? And Rey knew that they were that obvious in the lecture. Ben had made sure to recover quickly from his little slip up.

 

“He’s new and an asshole. A really harsh marker apparently and the rumour is, he managed to make five students cry in his first semester. I heard he gives out academic warnings like they’re candy,” she explained and Rey sighed in relief.

 

“Doesn’t surprise me,” Rey muttered.

 

Ben always had a knack for being a dick. His constant yelling and threatening size would make anybody scared.

 

“He could punish me any day,” Rose said suggestively.  

 

“Rose!”

 

“What? Don’t tell me you wouldn’t tap that. Did you see that hair and those lips?” Rose sighed for emphasis and clutched her chest.

 

Rey felt her cheeks warm because she knew exactly what she was talking about. She had run her hands through that hair multiple times.

 

“Didn’t really notice,” she muttered and looked away.

 

The truth was she had noticed lips along time ago. She had always wondered what they would feel like against her own. That craving had never disappeared and staring at them again today just brought all that desire back.

 

She laid down next to Rose, using her forearm as a shield from the sun. She started to drift off to sleep when she felt her hand begin to throb. She shot up, clawing at her wrist. She struggled to breathe, the pain was awful.

 

She hadn’t felt this phantom pain for three years, not since she had been taken away.  Not since he had punched the tree all those years ago. 

 

_ Oh, Ben.  _

 

“Rey, are you okay?” Rose asked concerned. Her hand was on her arm.

 

“Yeah, fine,” she almost squeaked. Rose gave her a look before she laid back down.  

 

It was not fine. Not at all. After three years, she could feel him again. Their bond had been reopened. It was what Rey had predicted all those years ago- it grew stronger the closer they were to each other.

 

For the first time ever, Rey began to wonder if perhaps the universe was pulling them together. That despite everything stacked against them, they were meant to be one. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the love, guys. 
> 
> FYI the next update may be a few days late next week. I'm swamped with uni and work at the moment. Sorry xx


	9. 2014 part two (20 years old)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my beautiful Reylos   
> I apologise as this chapter has not been beta'd, however, as I didn't update last week I felt I needed to give you something this week. All mistakes are my own. If this ends up getting edited, I'll come back and fix it up. Likewise, if you spot any mistakes, please point them out xx

 

Rey sat in the same spot as she did on Monday. It took every fibre of her being to not look up at Ben as he entered the auditorium. 

 

The whispers around the room hushed as soon as he slammed the door behind him. Rey jumped and looked up. He wore a blazer over his shirt today and he looked adorable.  _ Stop. _

 

“I take it you all did your readings for class today,” his voice echoed through the room.

Rey looked around, the faces of her peers turned stony. She hadn’t read the book either, however, she read it years ago. Pride and Prejudice was one of her favorite books. Ben had lent it to her a few years back and she read it within a few days.

 

They had even watched the movie together, that day that Poe had interrupted them. She thought about that constantly. What would’ve happened if Poe hadn’t have walked in on them? Would something have happened? Would Ben have stopped? She knew she wouldn’t have. She would’ve given him anything he wanted.

 

“I see a lot of guilty faces in here. Why am I not surprised?” Ben muttered.

 

He dropped his books onto the desk loudly, causing a a few students to flinch. He gazed around the room until his eyes connected with Rey’s. He paused for a moment before he continued.

 

“Jones, did you do the reading?” Ben questioned a weedy looking boy in the front row.

 

Rey could see the red blush beginning to crawl up the boy’s neck.

 

“No, Sir,” the boy explained while shaking his head.

 

Ben’s face scrunched up in disgust and he sighed. He ran his hand down his face and Rey could tell he was trying to control his anger.

 

“Fantastic. Why are you even here, Jones? If you’re not going to do the work, what’s the point? By all means, continue not to do the work, fail. Spend another fifty grand. You’re just paying me to yell at you,” Ben spat.

 

Jones sunk into his chair under Ben’s intense scowl. A soft giggle erupted from across the room and Rey turned to see two girls laughing at the boy.

 

“Miss Parker did you do what you were supposed to?” Ben asked, without looking away from Jones.

 

The two girls’ eyes widened and they froze.

 

“Y-yes,” one of them stuttered.

Rey had to admit, she was quite impressed that Ben didn’t even have to look up to know where the noise originated from. Not that there was more than twenty people in the room anyway. However, Ben always had a knack for being very observant.

 

“Excellent. You can tell everyone what you thought about the depiction of women in Austen's novel.” Ben twisted on his heel and faced the girl named Parker.

 

“Ah. It was very…bad,” the girl offered up.

 

“Very bad? Did you actually read the book?” Ben’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Of course you fucking didn’t. Because that’s incorrect.”

 

“Not necessarily,” Rey murmured.

 

“Who said that?” Ben asked, looking around the room.

 

Shit. She had said that a lot louder than she intended to.

 

“Me,” she squeaked.

 

Ben’s shoulders stiffened when he recognized the voice. He slowly pointed his chin towards where Rey and Rose sat. She could feel Rose’s intense glare burning into her cheek.

 

“You agree with the asshat who made an uneducated guess?” he asked quizzically.

 

His voice had softened from his previous statements but there was still a hint of malice in his words.

 

Rey cringed. Why was he being such a prick? Something washed over her, it was the desire to show him up. She knew that she would be the only one to hold her own against him. And god, he deserved it right now.

 

“Yes. Everyone thinks it showed how strong Elizabeth was for not accepting Mr Darcy purely for his wealth but I think she was still weak in the end.” Rey found her confidence with each word she spoke. From where? God only knows.

 

“How so?” Ben quirked an eyebrow.

 

“She was stupid for forgiving him so easily. If she had any real strength, she would’ve walked away.”

 

“What makes you say that?” Ben asked curiously.

 

He took a step forward; his head was tilted slightly in awe.

 

“He pretty much called her nothing. If he couldn’t accept her for what she came from, why should he deserve her?” Rey hissed through her teeth.

 

Where the fuck had that come from? That was too personal. It’s okay, nobody would know what she was talking about, well, except for him.

 

Ben’s eyebrows shot up. Yes, he knew.

 

“You don’t think he was just being an idiot?”

“Yes, a complete and utter idiot but I think he knew what he was saying was wrong. But he just upped and left her anyway,” Rey murmured, her voice breaking slightly.

 

_ Just like you did. _

 

“In what way?” he questioned, “He told her that he loved her. He came back.”

 

“Then why didn’t he just say that instead of tearing her down in the process?” Her voice raised with her emotions.

 

“I wouldn’t go as far to say that.”

 

“Then what do you believe, Professor?”

 

“That he loved her and it scared him. He had closed himself off from anybody until this  _ scavenger _ came into his life and flipped his world on its axis,” he sighed.

Rey’s eyes narrowed, 'scavenger' was not a word she would use to describe Elizabeth Bennett. That’s what he called her. He was talking about her.

 

Ben licked his lips and leaned forward. He was a few feet away, but he was as close as he could be. Three rows separated the two but it felt like nothing stood between them. In that moment, there was no one else in the room.

 

“Maybe he did but he went about it in the wrong way,” she whispered.

 

_ Why couldn’t you have just told me that you loved me all those years ago? _

 

She hurled the words at him and he flinched. He had heard her, just like they used to. It’s real, this is real.

 

“Never said he didn’t. It’s a thing many men have trouble with, I hear.” He swallowed audibly into microphone, “Their egos that is.”

 

“Have you ever had trouble with yours?” She watched as his face darkened, too personal. Oh no.

 

“Sir?” she tagged on the end, trying to diffuse the situation.

 

“I do not appreciate questions like that, Miss Jakobs.” Ben frowned and began to turn away from her.

 

“Sorry, Sir. I was just curious to see whether you would treat a woman you loved like that,” she called after him and he stopped dead in his tracks.

 

“Yes I have, once and I regret it to this day,” he admitted sadly as he dragged his eyes back to hers.

 

Rey’s mouth dropped open and she took in a deep breath. His eyes were locked on hers, completely unwavering. She could see the hunger in them as he studied her face. Moments passed, neither of them spoke, instead they pushed their emotions at each other. Her own lust, anger, and love mixed with his.

 

Someone cleared their throat from across the room. Rey dropped her gaze, blushing slightly. How long had they been eye fucking each other for? She busied herself with her textbook in front of her. She could feel eyes burning holes into the back of her head. She knew if she looked up to see their reactions, she would not be able to hide her embarrassment.

 

Ben began to speak again but Rey struggled to focus, too fixated on his admission. He had loved her. Did he still or had he found someone else? He didn’t wear a ring but it didn’t mean that he hadn’t fallen in love with someone else. And she will just be that girl he once loved.

 

Rey felt a light shove against her shoulder, and she looked up to see Rose’s bewildered face.

 

“You just totally took on Professor Ren and he didn’t tear you to shreds,” Rose said in amazement.

 

“Must be in a good mood.” Rey shrugged.

 

“No, no way. He was in a foul mood but you calmed him down. You even made him sad.” Rose’s eyebrows knitted together.

 

“I don’t know then.”

 

“You even had him pining over his lost love,” she laughed.

 

_ That’s me. She’s me.  _ Rey wanted to scream at her.

 

“He’ll probably deduct marks from my essay or something in spite,” she said instead, trying to brush off his bizarre behaviour.

 

“Doubtful. He likes you.” Rose nudged her with her elbow and wiggled her eyebrows.

 

Rey almost choked on her spit, if only she knew the half of it. ‘Like’ doesn’t even begin to cover it. She looked away from Rose and back towards the front of the room. Ben was writing something on the live projector.

 

She sighed and lent on her palm, those fucking hands. She still hadn’t forgotten how they felt splayed across her body, gripping onto her like she could disappear at any moment.

 

“Huh,” Rose breathed from next to her, pulling her back into reality.

 

“What?”

 

“Did you notice that he has the same bracelet as you?” Rose tilted her head towards Ben.

 

Rey’s eyes widened and she grabbed at the bracelet on her wrist. Of course, she knew. She had bought the damn thing for him. She looked up at the projector screen and sure enough, he was wearing the bracelet. Her heart skipped a beat, he still wore it.

 

“Can’t say I did. It’s a pretty common design,” Rey answered nonchalantly.

 

“Yeah, it’s just funny though.”

 

“Why do you say that?” Rey asked cautiously.

 

“If I didn’t know you two better, I would assume you were seeing each other.” Rose smirked and shrugged one shoulder.

 

“What?!” Rey exclaimed.

 

“The way you look at each other. It’s almost as though you’re going to go down there and rip each other’s clothes off,” Rose whispered and let put a quiet giggle.

 

Rey knew she was joking but the thought that they may be that obvious scared her. What if people found out that they had a past? Not that it mattered, they were never anything more than foster cousins. Would they move her? Would it be considered a conflict of interest?

 

Little did Rose know that they had almost fucked each other when she was seventeen. And she would be lying if she said that she hadn’t thought about Ben bending her over the desk in the middle of the auditorium.

 

“What the fuck?” Rey asked quickly, she could feel her face heating up.

 

“Sorry. I just speak the truth.” Rose poked out her tongue playfully, “Come on, admit it. You have a crush. He’s cute.”

 

Rey flushed even deeper, she’s sure she was beet red now.

 

Rey coughed, “He’s an ass.”

 

“Yeah but it’s kinda hot,” Rose sighed and placed her chin on her palms, pretending to be enamoured by him.

 

Rey didn’t deny it because it was true. Everything Rose had said was the truth, even if she was joking. She was completely captivated by the ass who stood in front of them, oblivious to their conversation.

 

*

 

Rey had told Rose to study alone tonight, she didn’t feel well. That was a lie, she wanted to be alone to collect her thoughts. She needed to figure out what she was going to do about Ben. He had pretty much admitted that he had loved her.

 

The problem was, did she truly still love him? She loved Ben Solo but this man, he goes by Kylo Ren. Was he a different person? Had something changed him? Or was the name just a façade like the rest of his Professor Ren act?

 

Was the scared teenager still beneath the tough exterior?

 

Rey stood in her bathroom, fresh out of the shower. A towel wrapped around her body and one on her head. She wiped the steam from the mirror and stared at her reflection. Her eyes were a dull green again, dull enough to call hazel. They weren’t as bright as they were on Monday.

 

She couldn’t shake the feeling that her eyes had changed color after she had talked to Ben. It was impossible and yet, it had happened.

 

She ran back into her room and pulled her photo album from her desk drawer. She flicked through the photos which Mara and Leia had taken over the years. Her eyes landed on a photo of her and Ben in Leia’s backyard. She was on Ben’s back, giving her widest toothy grin. She had to be around fourteen at the time.

 

She gasped when she saw her eyes. They were green, radiant green. She ran her index finger over her face. She ripped the photo from the album and ran back into the bathroom. She held the photograph up in front of her and glanced at her reflection. They weren’t the same color but instead a duller version of younger self.

 

How was this possible? How could they be so different but change back to that same color after she was in the vicinity of Ben?

 

Rey plonked herself back onto her bed and searched for an older photo. She made it all the way back to two weeks after Luke and Mara had taken her in and they were still the same bright green.

 

Rey paused, unless…her foster photo. She rummaged through her cupboard for her case file. Sure enough, there was a photo of her after she was taken from her birth parents. Her hair in three buns, strands had fallen from each bun. Her face was covered in dirt and a bruise faintly outlined her cheekbone. She couldn’t even remember where she had obtained that particular one from. Each beating, each slap turned into a blur. Her mind always detached itself from her body. It was like it was trying to save her from the trauma.

 

The girl’s baby blue eyes stared back at her. If Rey didn’t know that was her face, she wouldn’t have known it was her. She could barely even recognise those eyes; they didn’t belong to her. Her eyes aren’t blue, they never were. Except according to this photo, they definitely once were. They looked familiar and then she recalled…her mother. She will always remember her biological mother’s sapphire eyes.

 

Rey paused and began to shake violently. What was supposed to do with this information? She had changing eye colors. She wouldn’t have thought much of it; except Ben’s soul mark- it was green.

 

Oh, fuck.

 

Was she his soulmate?

 

She grabbed her phone and took photos of the photographs. She flipped open her laptop and looked for the English department’s faculty information. She scrolled through the contacts until she found Ben’s email.

 

**To: kyloren@outlook.com**   
**From: rey.jakobs@gmail.com**   
**Subject: please look, important**

Ben,  
Look at this photo. Do you see anything weird?  
<img/>  
Rey.

 

Rey sat on her bed, tapping her keyboard, praying that he would respond soon. And surely enough, a notification banner flashed across her phone screen.

 

 **From: kyloren@outlook.com**  
 **To: rey.jakobs@gmail.com**  
 **Subject: please look, important**  
Your bizarre hairdo?  
Is this important?  
I’ve always hated that photo. You look so…broken.  
Ben.

 

 **To: kyloren@outlook.com**  
 **From: rey.jakobs@gmail.com**  
 **Subject: please look, important**  
That’s because I was broken, Ben.  
I was in pieces. I told you that.  
You fixed me.  
Nvm this is stupid. I’m being stupid.

 

 **From: kyloren@outlook.com**  
 **To: rey.jakobs@gmail.com**  
 **Subject: please look, important**  
Rey, this obviously is important to you.  
What is it that you think is weird about it?  
I know you did but I try not to think about that day.  
It was not one of my finest. I was horrible to you.

 

Rey began to type a response before she deleted it. What was she meant to say? That he was horrible and it destroyed her to hear those words from his mouth? He already apologized profusely for it and she had already forgiven him.

Her phone began to vibrate in her hands.

 

**Unknown number calling…**

 

Rey hung up out of habit. She never answered private or unknown numbers. An email from Ben lit up her screen. She enlarged the message.

 

 **From: kyloren@outlook.com**  
 **To: rey.jakobs@gmail.com**  
 **Subject: please look, important**  
Pick up, it’s me.

 

**Unknown number calling…**

 

She took in a deep breath and unlocked the screen.

 

“How do you have my number?” she asked without missing a beat.

 

“School records.” His voice echoed on the other side of the line.

 

Her heart melted within her chest. It had only been a couple of hours since she had heard his voice but it felt like a lifetime. Just hearing him eased her nerves, it’s as though he was in the room with her.

 

“Oh, right,” she murmured, “How’s your hand?”

 

He paused, “It’s fine.”

 

His voice was slightly confused. He hadn’t told her about it. He mustn’t have known that their connection had reopened on Monday when she felt him in pain.  

 

“What’s up? What is concerning you about that photo?” he asked after a moment.

 

“My eyes. What color are my eyes?”

 

Without even stopping to think, he answered, “Green. Why do you ask?”

 

“Like hazel or green?” she pressed.

 

“Green, Rey. Seriously, what’s the matter? That’s a very weird question.”

 

“The photo from my foster file, my eyes are blue.”

 

There was a silence on the other end of the phone as though he was trying to think of a reason to give her. Perhaps like her, he had none.

 

“It’s not unusual for eyes to change when you get older,” he offered up.

 

“Eyes don’t go from one colour to the next. Not when you’re twelve years old,” she responded, almost irritated.

 

Yes, infants’ eyes change color as they grow older. And yes, they may go a deeper blue as a child. But they do not completely change when you are a teenager.

 

“Maybe it’s just the light.”

 

“Yeah, maybe,” she sighed.

 

“What do you think it is?”

 

_ Here goes nothing. Just ask him. What’s the worst that could happen? He could laugh in your face. Great. _

 

“Do you ever wonder if maybe I might have the soulmark too?” she held her breath waiting for his response.

 

“I wish you did Rey but there’s no mark on your wrist,” he exhaled woefully.

 

“But what if it’s my eyes?”

 

“That’s impossible. That’s never been recorded in history,” he said but Rey heard the uncertainty in his voice.

 

“I know it’s crazy but I have no other explanation.”

 

“I know that you always wanted the mark, that you felt like you were nothing without it but you’re not. Not to me. You don’t need the mark to have a family. You always had one, with us, with me.”

 

“I know. I just always wished I was special.” Her voice splintered with the reality of it all.

 

_ You’re nothing. You’ll always be nothing. _

 

“You are,” he promised.

 

“Thank you, Ben,” she whispered.

 

God, she had missed him. He was the only one who understood her loneliness, her pain. Others tried to but it just turned into pity. He was the only one she believed when he told her that she was something.

 

“You’re welcome,” he said tenderly, “Goodnight.”

 

“Night.”

 

It took all of her willpower to rip the phone from her ear and hang up. She wanted to keep listening to his voice and fall asleep with him beside her. He would have if she had asked. She stared at his number and finally added him as a contact. She went to place it on the bedside table when it buzzed in her hand.

 

**Ben | 20:29**

Sleep well and have good dreams, sweetheart.  

 

Sweetheart. She smiled and placed her phone beside her. Yes, she was definitely still in love with Ben Solo.


	10. 2014 part three (20 years old)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully this chapter answers some questions.  
> thank you all for your love and support on the last chapter.  
> this chapter is unbeta'd, all mistakes are my own.

Rey shivered as cold water soaked through three layers of clothing. The icy droplets were like bullets ricocheting off of her frozen skin. Her hair had become plastered to the sides of her face as she couldn’t brush it aside with her full hands.

 

The occasional car sped past her, flicking up water from the road. She heard one approaching and she prepared herself for the splash. When it didn’t come, she turned to see a pair of headlights trailing behind her.

 

Get out of there, was the first thing that ran through her mind. But then the rational part of her told her it was probably just someone being extra cautious in the conditions.

 

That small part of her quickly disappeared when she heard the car travelling beside her. This was it, she was going to be murdered.

 

“Rey, get in.”

 

Wait, what?

 

She knew that goddamn voice anywhere. Ben.

 

“No,” she said instinctively, before her mind had any time to process it.

 

She had meant to consider it for longer to not sound so desperate, she wanted to say yes. Perhaps it was the adrenaline. She was in full on flight mode, ready to get the fuck out of there.

 

“Please,” he yelled this time.

 

Rey couldn’t tell if it was the shock or the chattering of her frozen lips that stopped her from answering him. Maybe it was both. She instead stared at him, dumbfounded.

 

“Will you just get in the fucking car?!” he bellowed.

 

Rey flinched and her mouth fell open. What. The. Fuck?

 

She didn’t need this right now. She didn’t deserve his bullshit. No after how confused she has felt about him for the past week.

 

“No!” she roared and twisted on her foot to continue down the pathway.

 

Seriously, who did he think he was? That was so unbelievably uncalled for. There was no way she was getting in the car with him after that.

 

“Rey!” he tried desperately from the window as he drove next to her.

 

She scrunched up her nose and tightened her bag closer to her body. She was determined to get back to campus before she ripped his head off.

 

“You’ll make yourself sick,” he almost begged her to see reason. “Please, sweetheart.”

 

That caused her to falter. Her steps slowed until eventually she came to a halt. Ben obviously didn’t expect her to stop so quickly because he slammed on his breaks and ended up several feet ahead of her.

 

She glared at his black sedan in front of her, the rain making it hard to make out its shape. She could run and be home in five minutes or she could get into the car  with him- face this head on, stop avoiding him.

 

It was like she had no control over her body as her legs carried her to his passenger door. Her hand reached out and pulled it open, releasing the warmth from inside. She slipped into the seat, dropping all of her belongings at her feet. She stared at the dashboard in front of her. She could feel his eyes on her. The hairs on her neck prickled and a shiver ran down her spine, certainly not caused by the chill.

 

“Why are you walking out in the rain?” he asked.

 

His hand stretched out and turned up the heater. The hot air blasted against her face, causing her cheeks to burn.

 

“I just finished work and I don’t have a car,” she answered, still refusing to meet his eyes.

 

She was worried that if she looked at him, she wouldn’t be able to stop. That she would be unable to control the words from her mouth. That she would say something before she knew where they stood.

 

“Where do you work?”

 

“Kanata’s,” she responded shortly.

 

Yes, the less words the better. Less chance of saying too much and spilling her guts to the man she has loved since before she knew what love was.

 

“Maz’s place? She let you walk home in this?” he hissed.

 

“You know Maz? Usually Rose picks me up but she’s out with her work friends. Maz didn’t know,” she said defensively.

 

There was no way Maz would’ve let her walk home at 9pm in the pouring rain. But Maz lived above the café and driving Rey home was so far out of her way. So, instead Rey pretended that Rose was sitting out in the car waiting for her.

 

“She’s an old friend of dad’s. You didn’t think to tell her? Oh, who am I kidding? That’s so you,” he said dryly but with a hint of amusement.

 

“I don’t want to burden her.”

 

“I know you don’t but it’s okay to speak up sometimes. You need to stop feeling like your existence is a burden,” he responded tenderly.

 

His voice, his compassion.  _ Him. _ Fuck.

 

“I try but you know how hard it is.” Rey shook her head sadly.

 

“I do but your parents are one offs. Nobody else is like that. Everyone else feels blessed to have you in their lives.” 

 

“Yeah,” she sighed.

 

“Where do you live?”

 

“Campus East.”

 

She heard Ben exhale before he shifted the gears, putting it in drive and pulling away from the curb. Rey stole a sideways glance at Ben to see him completely fixated on the road in front of him. He was still in his usual professional attire, he obviously had classes today. He had removed the tie though, and his top buttons were undone. He wore no cardigan, clearly the heat from his car was enough.

 

“What are you studying?” he asked, breaking the silence.

 

“Mechanical engineering.”

 

“I should have known that,” he almost laughed, “Why are you taking English Lit?”

 

Rey considered her next words carefully. She could lie, tell him that all other classes were full. That she had no choice. But she didn’t want to lie to him, so instead she held nothing back.

 

“For you.”

 

She watched as his eyebrows knitted together and she took in a breath before she continued, “Because I knew how much you loved English. That day when you were helping me with my homework, the passion I saw in your eyes made me fall in love with it too.”

 

Ben swallowed forcefully, causing his Adam’s apple to bob. Her eyes trailed down his chest, down his arms. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, exposing his skin. Her eyes landed on the green smudge on his wrist. The tiny mark which has been the bane of her existence.

 

“Rey, I-” he started.

 

“Have you found them yet?” she interrupted.

 

“Who?” he asked, confused.

 

“Your soulmate,” the words tasted vile in her mouth.

 

It was funny how desperately she wanted to be his soulmate but saying the word in this context made her seethe. It made her feel gross. Jealousy is an ugly emotion they say. She couldn’t agree more.

 

“No.”

 

“Are you looking?” she asked quietly.

 

“No and I never will. You know it means nothing to me. I want to fall in love on my own terms, not the universe’s.”

 

“You’re so stubborn.” She laughed but she found nothing about this situation funny.

 

It was fear. She was nervous laughing. How pathetic.

 

“I prefer, strong-willed,” he deadpanned.

 

There was the Ben Solo she knew and loved. Sarcastic, open, raw in front of her.

 

Swallowing whatever was left of her pride, Rey asked the question which had plagued her mind all day. “What you said in class yesterday, did you mean it?”

 

“Which part?” His brow furrowed in thought.

 

“The part about regretting what you have done to me.” Rey looked down at her hands as she twiddled her fingers.

 

“Of course I did. I am sorry for everything that I have done to you. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me but you need to know that I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you,” his voice shook as though he was on the verge of tears, “If you’ll let me.”

 

Rey’s head snapped up at gawk at him. You stupid, stupid boy.

 

“Ben you must know I forgive you. I forgave you the moment you walked back into my life and that’s why I’m so angry. I’m angry because no matter what you do, I  will always forgive you. And that kind of scares me.”

 

“Why?” he breathed.

 

“Because I should hate you for what you did to your family, our family.”

 

“You don’t hate me?” he blinked.

 

“I never could. Ever. You could run a blade through my chest and I’d still love you,” she admitted.

 

There, she said it. She expected him to yell, deflect, tell her that she shouldn’t love him. But instead he turned his head, his face softening. He looked like the young man she fell in love with and she almost through her arms around him.

 

“You may think you’re crazy but I’d do the exact same,” he whispered.

 

His dark eyes stared deep into her soul. Their familiarity, ripping out all of pain from the past two years. In an instant, she felt safe and loved.

 

“How is it that you’re exactly how I remember you?” Rey shook her head in disbelief.

 

“What do you mean?”  

 

“You have a whole new life. A new personality, which I have learnt is just a mask. So why Kylo Ren if you’re still really Ben Solo?”

 

“Snoke suggested that I change my name. It’s a mix of my real name Ben- Ren and Kylo- Solo,” he responded, almost robotically.

 

“Why did you follow him?”

 

He choked, and closed his eyes. A wave of emotions seemed to feud within him as he spoke, “After you left, I had no one else who understood me. He somehow just got me. He saw my potential, not my name.”

 

“But you started working for him before I left,” she recalled Leia telling her.

 

That day in the park when she had met Hux. She recognized him as part of Snoke’s team several months later. She felt stupid for never putting two and two together until Leia told her what had happened.

 

“I never meant to get in as deep as I did. He paid me a lot of money to release important information on my mother.”

 

“You betrayed your mother for money?” She took in a startled breath.

 

“It wasn’t really for the money. Well it was. But I wanted to make her pay for the pain she caused me over the years,” he almost growled at the mention of Leia.

 

What happened to them? Rey knew that they never saw eye to eye but had they really fallen that far apart? So far that Ben was willing to betray her out of spite?

 

“What do you mean not really for the money?” Rey eyed him wearily.

 

“The money was going to be for you. For your college tuition.” He paused, “I still have it saved.”

 

“You were going to pay for my college?” Rey’s mouth hung open as she recoiled in surprise.

 

“Of course I was. I wanted you to have the best. I knew Luke wouldn’t be able to afford it and he would never accept money from Leia. He would have tried to pay for it but he wouldn’t really be able to afford it.”

 

“I can’t believe you would do that for me,” Rey whispered.

 

He risked everything for her. It was all for her. He betrayed his own flesh and blood for her. What was she meant to feel? How was she meant to react?

 

“I’d do anything for you,” he responded without missing a beat.

 

_ I would too. _

 

But then something else occurred to her. He turned into a monster because of her.

 

“So it’s my fault that Snoke turned you into someone else?”

 

“No. That was my choice.” He shook his head. “Once I did the job I was supposed to, I was free. But I went back and once you left, I went all in.” He held his hand to his chest.

 

“Ben,” she breathed his name like it was the only thing grounding her in reality.  

 

“I changed my name. I went and did my Masters in teaching. Snoke owns the university and offered me a position in English and the political sciences. I changed my  name to detach myself from my past life and so that no one could track me. It almost worked too, until you came crashing back into my life.” He winced.

 

“Would you ever come back home?” she asked.

 

“If someone had asked me that a year ago, I would’ve said no.”

 

“But now?” Rey wondered.

 

“For you? Maybe,” he pondered.

 

“What about your family? Don’t you miss them?” she tried desperately, anything to get him to realize what he had left behind.

 

“Nope,” he responded too quickly and Rey’s face fell. “I wrote a novel about them. It made me realize that I never belonged there.”

 

He wrote a novel? Why had she never seen it before? Because Ben Solo no longer existed. He was now Kylo Ren… K. Ren. Holy shit.

 

“Wait you are the author K. Ren?” Rey’s eyes widened.

 

“The one and only.” Ben gave a fake toothy grin.

 

“I read your book. How could I not know that was you?” Rey questioned aloud. “Those characters were based on your family? You were the protagonist?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“He was a horrible person. He thought of doing horrific things. Did you really think those things?” The thought slipped down her throat and seemed to spread to her lungs, taking up all of the space, making it difficult to breathe.

 

He wanted to kill his father. He wanted to die. He truly felt like an outcast in his own family, that they would be better off without him.

 

“Sometimes,” he admitted and her heart shattered.

 

“Oh. Oh, god.” Rey’s heart hammered against her chest.

 

She knew he felt this way, how could she not know it was this bad?

 

Rey tore her eyes away from him and back onto the road. The car slowed to a stop at a red light and the hum of the engine filled the empty air. Her mind shifted through each key element of his novel, trying to grasp at any clues as to his pain. She paused when she remembered one recurring character.

 

“Wait. He fell in love with someone, a girl with brown hair. Who was she?”

 

He turned his head to look at her, staring at her intensely.

 

“Me? She was me?” she exhaled.

 

“Yes.”

 

“What? I-how… _ when _ ?” Rey blurted out.

 

Ben’s hands tightened around the steering wheel as he turned sharply into the gutter. He put the car in park and dropped his chin into his chest.

 

“For longer than I would like to admit. I fought it for so long. It wasn’t until you were taken away that I realised it was something more.” His eyes were closed as he let out a long breath.

 

Rey saw is body tremble with the admission, as though just admitting it aloud was breaking him. And it was breaking her too, but for a different reason.

 

“You pushed me away for years,” Rey whimpered and Ben looked at her with a pained look on his face.

 

He pretended to not love her for all those years. That day she told him that she loved him, a piece of her died when he didn’t say it back. That whole time he was lying and he knew what it did to her.

 

“Because you were a teenager! It was so wrong. I felt vile, disgusting, unclean. A twenty-six-year-old man should not have had the thoughts that I did. About his cousin, his seventeen-year-old cousin.” He shuddered at the thought.

 

“You let me think I was a fool. I thought about you everyday!” she cried.

 

“You think I want to think about you? You are my baby cousin. I lost you for three years and now I’m your professor. It’s all kinds of fucked up!” he bellowed.

 

His body was twisted towards her now and he leaned into her. She could feel his warm breath on her cheek. One wrong move and her lips would be against his. Oh, how she wanted them to be. But that little voice continued to gnaw at her and she believed it.

 

_ He’s not yours. _

_ He said so himself. _

_ He’s confused. _

_ He’ll never love you the way you love him. He’ll love somebody else like that.  _

 

“I’m not your cousin, I never was. It would’ve been two years but you ran away. And you think that I want to think about you? How do think it feels to love someone who you know is going to fall in love with someone else and it’s inevitable? No matter what you do or how you both feel, you can’t stand in-between fate. They’re always going to end up with the person they were made for.”

 

“It doesn’t have to be like that. There’s no guarantee that I will even meet my soulmate,” his voice cracked.

 

“And I wouldn’t be able to live knowing that one day you may meet them. And then what happens to me, huh? You’ll just leave? Run off with them?”

 

“It doesn’t work like that. You don’t have to fall in love with your soulmate, it’s not always sexual.” Rey faded back into her seat at his words.

 

The thought of him being with someone else made her want to vomit.

 

Her breath caught in her throat as she said softly, “But what if it is? I can’t risk it.”

 

“Rey, please,” he begged in a way that was completely raw.

 

She looked up at him and she noticed the way his face danced with every painful emotion.

 

“No, Ben. I can’t. I have this indescribable pull towards you and it’s so dangerous because I would literally do anything for you. It physically hurts me to be away from you.”

 

She was terrified, not because he finally admitted the truth. But because of what the truth meant. She had always wanted this but that little part of her would always be on edge. It hurt so much the last time they were pulled apart. She doesn’t know if she would be able to survive it again.

 

“I feel it too,” he whispered. There was a hint of something indecipherable in his voice, anguish and dread.  

 

He was desperate for her to stay because he knew that he was losing her.

 

“But why? What is it?” she asked.

 

Every little zap, every time she heard him in her head, every time she could feel him. It was all real and he felt it too.

 

“I don’t know but why are we fighting it?”

 

He held out a hand towards her. Oh, how she wanted to rest her palm against his. What would it feel like to touch him again? But then she noticed the mark again. The mark which she did not have. The mark that she thought she did but Ben so calmly told her she did not.

 

“Because I don’t belong to you! I don’t have the fucking mark, you said it yourself. It was wishful thinking. I’m not special.”

 

The tears which she had been able to hold back, finally spilled over.

 

“You are to me. You are everything to me,” he said tenderly.

 

That did it. She couldn’t be in this fucking car with him anymore because if she did, she would no longer be able to control herself. She would give into her desires and she would throw herself against him. She wouldn’t be able to let him go ever again because if she did, she’d probably die.

 

She yanked on the door and jumped from her seat, leaving her belongings inside. The cold air filled her lungs instantly, making her already labored breathing worse. The droplets bounced against her warm skin. The fresh water from the sky mixed with her own salty tears. She struggled to see as she stumbled down the sidewalk.

 

“Rey!” he called from behind her.

 

“Ben, no,” she whispered.

 

Rey could feel him behind her, close enough that he could reach out and touch her shoulder. She wrapped her arms around her waist, refusing to turn back.

 

“Listen to me. If you are going to walk away, at least let me say this,” he begged from his stationary position. The desperation in his voice caused her to stop.

 

“Rey Jakobs, I love you,” his voice carried through the thunder and lightning.

 

Rey’s head snapped up at the words she never thought she’d hear come from his lips. The rhythmic patter of the falling water as it hit the tar road was hypnotic. As the rain increased in its force, the symphony of billions of drops felt like the rain was jumping with joy as it fell to the earth.

 

“I’ve been in love with you for longer than I can remember and I’ll be in love with you until I die. And if there is some kind of afterlife, I’ll love you then. There’s nobody else out there for me. Fuck the mark. You’re it, you’re the one, the love of my life. My soulmate.”

 

The words cut through her skin, right down to her bone. Her heart filled with hope. She twisted on her heel to meet the eyes of a frightened boy, soaked top to tail from the rain. Not caring that his car was still running behind him or that he had left the driver’s door open. His knees wobbled as though if she walked away right now, they would longer be able to support him.

 

A gasp passed her lips as she stared at Ben Solo standing several feet in front of her. The water hung from her lashes, and run down her cheeks, until they spilled from her lips.

 

He held out his hand towards her before swallowing deeply, “Rey?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry lol


	11. 2014 part four (20 years old)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is unbeta'd.  
> sorry for the delay and the cliffhanger of last chapter but here have some smut

He held out his hand towards her before swallowing deeply, “Rey?”

 

Every single memorable moment of her life flashed before her eyes. When he taught her how to read, how to roller skate, how to work out the sum of a triangle. It was him, always him.  She never grew up without a family because she had Ben. He held her when she had a nightmare, he taught her how to be human. He taught her how to love.

 

So she stepped forward, just one step. And then another, and another. Until she came to a stop, mere inches from him. He was close enough to touch and Rey could see his hand begin to tremble.

 

“Rey,” Ben uttered with such agony that Rey could hear him holding on for dear life. As though her name was the only thing keeping him afloat in the crashing waves.

 

She looked down at his outstretched palm and then back into his eyes. His eyes pleaded with her to take it. Instead she reached out and grabbed his wrist.

 

A zap flowed through them both, a crackle vibrated into the space around them.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“I want to try something.”

 

Before he could react, she stepped forward and pulled his arm around her back. His arm tightened around her immediately, pulling her flush against him. His other hand came up to caress her cheek. His touch left a burning sensation on her cool skin.

 

“Rey…” he moaned as he stared at her lips.

 

“Shush,” she whispered, bringing her finger to his lips.

 

They were as soft as she had imagined them to be. Her hand brushed against his cheek as she curled her fingers into his hair.  The rain continued to hit the tops of their heads, tracing paths down their faces. She watched as the drops trickled down and collected on his lips.

 

In a flash of courage, she lifted herself onto her toes and pulled him down to meet her halfway. Her lips touched his and oh, it was everything she wanted it to be- warm, tender, soft.

 

Ben reacted to her instantly, his hand that cupped her cheek became tangled in her hair. She melted into his embrace, their lips moving against each other tenderly. His tongue traced along her bottom lip, begging for entrance. Rey opened her mouth, allowing him to deepen the kiss.

 

Suddenly, Rey jumped against him, a searing pain burned through her back where his arm was wrapped around her. He pulled away from her with his own shock, cowering from the hand that was gripping his head.

 

Something passed between them, a gust of wind strong enough to knock someone unexpectedly off their feet. But the two of them remained embraced in each other’s arms. It pulled the air from her lungs as it ghosted through her and entered him. Ben’s eyes widened as the force exited him.

 

Rey and Ben stood staring at each other, gasping for air when a burning sensation arose from her wrist, as though a tiny needle was piercing her skin. She grabbed her arm in pain and Ben did the same. A small tear began to form in the corner of her eye. As quickly as the pain had appeared, it faded. All that remained was a delicate black ‘B’ tattooed into her skin.

 

She looked up to find Ben staring at his own wrist, his mouth hung open. She reached out, pulling his hand towards her. Where his soulmark once resided, a black ‘R’ was left in its place.

 

“Holy shit,” Rey breathed. 

 

Ben grabbed her hand and flipped her arm over to reveal her new marking, gently tracing it with his finger. He shook his head in disbelief and gazed up at her through his dishevelled hair.

 

“Fuck, Rey your eyes!” he exclaimed, grabbing her chin.

 

“What, what’s wrong with them?” Rey panicked.

 

“They’re blue.”

 

She frowned. “They’re what? How is that possible?”

 

“My soulmark disappeared and so did yours. You were right, you’re my soulmate. After all this time, you have been right here. All this time fighting it,” he exhaled, shaking his head.  

 

“I know. Oh my god, Ben. What are we going to do? What does this mean?” 

 

She still couldn’t fathom it. She was his soulmate, he was hers. After all these years, they were meant to be but why now? What could it mean?

 

“Nothing. This is perfect, amazing.” Ben smiled widely and leaned into her. “I always belonged to you and now it’s written in the stars.”

 

The hand that gripped her chin pulled her face towards him and Rey happily complied. Her hands came to curl into the front of his shirt, pulling him flat against her. Their lips collided for a second time but it was different from the last.

 

This wasn’t soft or slow. His mouth moved like he was he was dying of thirst and she was water, despite the rain falling around them. His fingers raked along her scalp, smashing her nose against his face.

 

Ben nibbled forcefully at her lower lip, until she gave him entrance and Rey moaned against him. With her hands pressed up against his chest, she could have sworn she felt his heart pounding in time with hers.

 

She let down her walls and it all came flooding in at once. All the pain, the heartbreak, the love and the relief. Unable to control her emotions, she let out a loud sob. A single tear trickled onto her cheek, mixing with the rain water.

 

Ben pulled away from her, his lips slightly swollen. His eyes were full of concern.

 

“Rey, what’s wrong?” he gasped.

 

He gazed down at her like she was a dream. His hands came to rest either side of her face so delicately as though she could turn to dust at any moment.

 

“All this time I thought I you were going to fall in love with someone else. That I would be left with a bleeding heart which would no longer beat. But all this pain was for nothing.”

 

“Don’t say that. I always loved you. It was always going to be you no matter what.” Ben gulped, looking over her features before locking eyes with her again, “I thought I didn’t belong to you either.”

 

“I have always completely and utterly belonged to you,” she admitted as she wrapped her arms around his torso. She rested her ear against his chest and could hear his heart racing, matching the speed of her own.

 

“Come home with me?” he asked, his lips moving against the top of her head.

 

Rey immediately stiffened in his grip. Was he implying sex? Not that she didn’t want to or that she wasn’t ready…she just never had done it before.

 

“We’re not going to do anything, unless you want to.” He cleared his throat, “I just can’t let you go right now. I’m afraid if I do, I’ll wake up tomorrow and none of this will be real.”

 

His fingers were tracing gently over her wet hair, soothing her. She paused for a moment, considering her options. But truthfully, there was only one choice that she wanted and so she nodded against him.

 

She felt him breathe out a sigh in relief. His hand disappeared from her head and found her hand on his back. He intertwined his fingers with hers as he pulled away from her. Ben gave her a smirk and turned on his heel. He made a dash for the car, dragging a giggling Rey behind him.

 

Ben opened the passenger door for her and she jumped into the car to escape the rain. Just as she finished putting her seat belt on, Ben was in the seat beside her. He leaned over, capturing her lips in a slow kiss.

 

He broke the kiss and reached for her hand. Rey drew his hand to her lips, placing a peck across his knuckles, then sat it down in her lap, where she enveloped her other hand over top of both of theirs.

 

Rey didn’t take her eyes off of Ben the whole drive home. He must have known that she was staring because he had the ghost of a smile on his lips the entire time.

 

They pulled up to what Rey assumed was his apartment block. Rey chucked her bag onto her back and Ben offered her his hand. She happily took it and followed his lead. 

 

He released her hand in order to unlock his front door.

 

“Wow this apartment is huge,” Rey audibly gasped as she stepped past him.

 

“Ah yeah.”

 

Rey held onto the straps of her backpack and twisted on the spot. The apartment was big but it was so homey, so Ben. The floors were a dark hardwood, clearly new. The modern kitchen backed onto the spacious lounge room. The lounge room was taken up by a tall bookcase filled to the brim with novels and textbooks and of course, his vinyl and CD collection.

 

His framed calligraphy and graphic art lined the walls. Rey froze when her eyes landed on a piece hanging right above the television. It was hers, terrible but hers. She had drawn it one rainy day when they were hauled up in his room. Ben had been busy studying while Rey sat on the bed staring at him.

 

Bored out of her mind, she grabbed his calligraphy and watercolor set and created the abomination. It was supposed to be a portrait of Ben slouched over at his desk. Looking at it now, it wasn’t as bad as she had originally thought. The splashes of color complemented the black lines nicely.

 

But none of that mattered because he kept it. It was a terrible picture and yet he had kept it, framed it and placed it for everyone to see.

 

“You kept it?”

 

“Yeah. I kept everything you drew and gave to me. I never had the heart to throw any of it away. I always liked that piece. It stuck with me. Despite me being an asshole you still saw the real me on the inside.”

 

“I don’t think it was meant to be that deep,” Rey admitted.

 

Had thirteen-year-old Rey been that layered? Probably not. But he was right, that was exactly how she saw him. She saw the light and the color twisting inside of him, begging to escape his dark armor.

 

“Art like that comes from the subconscious.” He shrugged.

 

“I suppose it does. You must know that I thought the world of you.”

 

“I had some idea.” He smirked.

 

The two stood staring at each other, soaking wet, neither knowing what to say next. It was a touchy subject, their past. Especially that day when Rey had admitted her feelings. Rey swallowed uncomfortably and her eyes darted around the room.

 

Sensing her unease, Ben coughed and broke the silence.

 

He ran a hand through his hair. “The bathroom is down the hall to the left, if you’d like to freshen up.”

 

“That would be amazing.”

 

“I’ll go grab you a towel and some clothes.”

 

Rey nodded and watched him walk off in the opposite direction, obviously to his bedroom. She wondered how big the bed was, if it would support the both of them as they-  _ NO _ !  _ Not now.  _ Rey cussed herself as she squeezed her thighs together.

 

She pattered lightly down the hallway, peeking into each room she passed. Sure enough, down the end of the hall was the bathroom. The thing was bigger than her dorm room.

 

She shut the door behind her and looked at her eyes for the first time since the incident. There they were, sapphire eyes that were certainly not her own stared back at her. She shook her head in bewilderment and peered down at the tattoo on her wrist.  _ His _ .

 

She shivered at the thought, brushing it off as the cold clothing against her skin. She pulled the wet blouse over the top of her head, depositing it on the floor.

 

“Rey? I have your things,” Ben’s timid voice echoed through the small gap in the door.

 

Rey looked up and caught a glimpse of her state in the mirror. She had already removed her drenched shirt, leaving her in her bra and jeans. She bit her lip as she peered over her shoulder towards the door and back to her shirt on the ground. She should definitely put a shirt on. Yes, that would be the sensible thing to do but Rey was feeling daring.

 

She flung the door towards her before she had the chance to chicken out. She watched as Ben’s smile fell and was replaced with a look of shock. His mouth fell open slightly and his eyes hardened. His eyes trailed down her body, causing the hairs on her arms to stand up. She felt naked under his hungry gaze.

 

Ben gulped and returned his attention back to Rey’s eyes. She felt herself smirk triumphantly. His cheeks began to redden along with the tips of his ears and he shuffled awkwardly on the spot. He held out the pile of items to her and quickly turned away.

 

“Thanks, babe,” she teased him and shut the door. She exhaled and leant her bare back up against the wood.   

 

Rey heard a quiet ‘fuck’ from the other side of the door, causing her to giggle. Mission accomplished.

 

Rey- 1, Ben- 0.

 

*

 

Ben was standing in the kitchen intensely watching the kettle boil as though it was ready to leap from the bench. As Rey stepped closer she noticed his hands were clenched against the counter, causing the muscles in his arms to become well defined. The tight black t-shirt he was wearing did nothing to hide his chiselled torso.

 

Fuck.

 

Rey cleared her throat, “Hey.”

 

Ben looked up at her, a mischievous glint in his eyes. The asshole knew exactly the effect that that tight top had on her. Oh, he was going to pay.

 

Conveniently, Ben’s sweatpants were far too big for her, and ended up around her knees by the time she had exited the bathroom. Giving up, she had chosen to forgo any pants, deciding that his shirt was long enough to cover her thighs…when she was upright. She bit her lip and thought of something devious.

 

She walked into the kitchen and opened the bottom drawer. She bent over, feeling the shirt slowly riding up her legs.

 

“What are you doing?” Ben choked behind her.

 

“Looking for the tea cups,” she answered innocently.

 

He let out a strangled cry, “Well, you’re not going to find them in there.”

 

Rey shrugged and repositioned herself, kicking the drawer shut. Ben stood in the middle of the kitchen, his previous task forgotten as he gawked at her. Rey licked her lips sheepishly and twiddled her fingers.

 

Ben’s gaze darkened and he lunged, stalking forward. On instinct, Rey backed up until her back hit the bench. Her neck craned as Ben towered over her, his hands on the bench caging her in.

 

“I know exactly what you were trying to do,” he whispered into her ear.

 

“Did it work?”

 

“Of course it worked,” he growled and pressed himself into her.

 

She could feel his growing erection pushed against her throbbing core. She gasped at the sensation. How could he turn her on so quickly? His lips trailed wet kisses down her jaw and he stopped on her pulse point. She threw her head back, allowing him better access. He began to suck, hard. Rey knew he was trying to mark her, and boy, it would mark her for days.

 

Ben’s hands snaked around her ass and cupped her thighs. He hoisted her up in one quick motion and dropped her onto the countertop. Her hands entangled in his damp hair, pulling his face against his. Her mouth attacked his, sloppy, hungry.

 

Her legs tightened around his waist as she rubbed her centre against him. She bit his lower lip in response to the pleasure building inside of her.  His hand travelled up her shirt, skimming over her navel and coming to rest on her breast. He moaned when he noticed she wasn’t wearing a bra. He stroked his thumb over her hardened nipple, pinching it between his thumb and index finger.

 

His hand left her breast, and curled around to her back. Rey whimpered in protest and Ben smiled against her lips.

 

“Patience,” he muttered into her mouth.

 

Ben lifted her up from the bench, twisting them in the direction of his bedroom. Rey buried her head into the crook of his neck while he carried her. He stopped in front of his bed and Rey looked up. She gave him a peck on the nose before he literally threw her onto the mattress.

 

She giggled as he dragged her body towards him, positioning her so that her legs dangled over the edge. He held her foot and placed a delicate kiss on the inside of her ankle before he worked his way up her leg.

 

Ben’s fingers dusted gently over the edge of her panties. He looked up at her with his eyebrow cocked.

 

“May I?”

 

“Yes!” Rey half yelled, causing Ben to chuckle at her eagerness.

 

His hands curled around her underwear, tearing them down her legs in one motion. Rey watched as he sunk to his knees in front of her. He grabbed each of her thighs, placing them over his shoulders. He stared at her exposed pussy and licked his lips.

 

Oh,  _ oh. _

 

Rey’s hands crawled at the sheet below her, her hips rising off the mattress as she arched into him. His tongue continued to lap her slick folds. He flicked it across her clit, causing her to lose all rational thinking. From there, he gently stroked her entrance with his finger, before diving in with his tongue. Rey screamed out, not bothering to muffle her pleasure. His other hand held her stomach down firmly, keeping her in position as he continued his work.

 

She nearly lost control of herself when he pushed two fingers inside of her, curling them towards him. He worked deeper and deeper, spreading her apart until she was sure that she was stretched to her limit. His fingers pumped in and out of her, creating an obscene squelching noise.   

 

“Ben!” she begged. For what? She couldn’t remember right now.

 

“Come for me,” he coaxed her, his fingers undoing her with every movement.  

 

A pathetic cry escaped her lips and her orgasm ripped through her. Her hands frantically grabbed at the sheets, her body quivering as the shocks travelled through her. Ben continued to work her through her crest, prolonging her orgasm.

 

Her limbs went limp beside her and she lay spent on the bed. Ben placed a tender kiss against her nub and climbed over the top of her. He captured her lips and Rey could taste herself on him.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I know,” she grinned and placed a chaste kiss against his cheek.

 

He smiled down at her, before crawling up the bed. He extended his arm out, motioning for her to join him. She shuffled towards him, curling herself into his side. His arm encased her protectively and he rested his lips against her forehead. Rey breathed heavily against him, still regaining her composure.

 

Still not feeling close enough, Rey wrapped her leg over his hips. Ben let out a groan when her calf brushed against his hardened member. Spurred on by his reaction, Rey pushed herself up to straddle him.

 

Ben looked up at her, wide eyed. She rocked against him and his hands came up to dig into her thighs. She picked up her pace and watched as Ben’s eyes rolled back. She backed off of him, leaving behind a wet spot on his grey sweatpants.

 

He lifted his head up to look at her quizzically. She grabbed both his sweatpants and boxers in her hands.

 

“Your turn,” she purred.  

 

“You don’t have to,” he said quickly.  

 

“I want to.” She pouted and tugged at his pants.  

 

“I don’t want you to feel like you ever have to repay me for anything. I want to do those things to you.”

 

“Then you understand why I want to do it.”

 

He looked at her in shock before nodding eagerly. He lifted his bottom from the bed, allowing her to pull his pants down to his ankles. She positioned herself 

between his legs, inspecting him.

 

“You’re so big,” she squeaked.

 

How was he going to fit?

 

Shaking the thought aside, she took him in her hand, pumping experimentally. She changed the pace and finally got a reaction from him. Ben dropped his head back onto the pillow and let out a groan. She brought her mouth down over his thick member.

 

“Shit,” Ben hissed, his hands coming to her head.

 

She took him in as far as her gag reflex would allow before running her teeth back along his shaft. His hips bucked up into her mouth, causing her to cough slightly. She released him with a pop before running her tongue along the underside of his cock. She placed a kiss at the tip before taking him in her mouth again.

 

Rey bobbed her head up and down, her hand worked the part her mouth couldn’t reach. She cupped his balls and his breathing hitched.

 

_ Oh, you like that _ . Rey thought.

 

“Fuck, baby, I’m going to… Fuck, Rey, stop, I’m going to come!” he begged breathlessly, his hands digging into her scalp. His frantic pleas just egged her on.

 

Rey continued to suck vigorously, using one hand to pump and the other to steady herself on his stomach. Rey felt him as he lost control of his body, spilling his salty seed into her mouth. She managed to swallow the first load but his cock continued to pulse hot liquid onto her tongue. She continued to suck him dry, swallowing what she could.

 

His hands had released her head sometime during his orgasm and one was now thrown over his eyes. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and smiled at her ability to make him fall apart. She had done that to him.

 

Rey tucked herself into his side, placing her hand on his heaving chest. He rolled over slightly, resting his arm limply over her body.

 

“Fuck, that was-”

 

“Amazing.” Rey grinned.  

 

“Absolutely perfect,” he agreed. “How are you so good at that?”

 

She giggled and slapped his chest. “Could ask you the same, mister. Honestly, it’s like I could feel what felt good to you. Your pleasure washed through me.”

 

“I felt that too. When you came, I almost did as well,” he admitted, a pink tinge covered his cheeks.

 

He kissed her before sitting up to pull his boxers up. He decided to leave the sweatpants off, kicking them onto the ground. He yanked her wrist, pulling her body against his, cocooning her in his heat. She tucked her head under his chin and moulded her body into his.

 

She listened to his breathing as it laboured, until eventually it turned into a soft snore. His rhythmic breathing caused her own eyelids to become heavy. She began to drift off into her own slumber when a smile ghosted across her lips.

 

They universe had bound them together. They were one, forever.

 


	12. 2014 part five (20 years old)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey spend the weekend in Ben's bed. Class on monday turns out to be a interesting one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, I am so so sorry this took so long to update. I had my finals like three weeks ago and then I worked heaps to catch up on all the time I took off for study. And then I kind of lost motivation to write. The story's been mapped out since the beginning and most of the main points and dialogue has been written, i just struggled to write the 'filler' stuff. 
> 
> Anyways, this chapter is unbeta'd. 
> 
> oh, and more smut. yay!

 

 

“You’re staring,” Ben mumbled into the pillow.

 

“No, I’m not,” Rey responded quickly before tearing her gaze away from him.

 

Her eyes darted around his room before landing back on his face. The afternoon sun reflected off his pale skin, illuminating the moles which were scattered across his features.

 

“Rey,” he groaned playfully.

 

“Fine, you caught me,” she laughed.

 

He grinned up at her, peaking at her through one half opened eye. It was Sunday afternoon and the third time she had woken up in her soulmate’s bed. They spent their Saturday hauled up on his couch watching movies and making out. She imagined the rest of their Sunday would be very similar.  

 

They talked for hours about their fondest memories, their dreams, and their regrets. They cried, they laughed, and they stripped each other off and ended up in his bed again.

 

They spoke about a lot of things but the one thing neither of them wanted to mention was the fact that he was still her teacher. They could avoid the topic last night but class tomorrow was getting closer by the minute.

 

“What are we going to do about tomorrow?” Rey asked as she ran her hand up and down Ben’s bare back.

 

Ben frowned, “What do you mean? We’ll go to class like we always do.”

 

“But what about us?”

 

“What about it?”

 

“Ben, we’re dating and I am your student,” she said, her hand coming up to brush a strand of hair behind his ear.

 

Ben smirked at that and pounced at her. His muscular arm came around her middle and pulled her into his body.

 

“Are we now, _girlfriend_?” he clucked and nuzzled her neck.

 

“I like the sound of that,” she hummed at her _boyfriend._ “No, but seriously.”

 

Ben rolled her onto her back and climbed over the top of her. His elbows rested either side of her caging her in while he held himself above her.

 

“How’s it any different to before? My feelings haven’t changed. I loved you back then and I was still able to teach. The only difference now is that I have seen you naked.” He licked his lips as his eyes raked down her body. His hand slipped down her clothed hip and he dug his nails into her skin, possessively.

 

“Ben!” she yelped. “Okay, you’re right. We’re adults, we can control ourselves.”

 

“Speak for yourself,” he muttered and he released his grip on her hip to let his hand drift underneath his shirt that she was wearing.  

 

“You are not helping.”

 

“Sorry. We’ll just keep our distance from each other while on campus. No more time together than necessary. We’ll be fine if we don’t draw attention to each other.”

 

“Is it always going to be like this?” she sighed sadly, tears threatening to spill over.

 

She loved him more than anything. She finally had him and now she has to pretend like he meant nothing to her. It fucking hurt.

 

He bent down and whispered into her ear, “No. You finish my class soon and there’s no rules against professors dating students who they don’t teach.” 

 

“Is that right, sir?”

 

“Fuck.” His hips bucked against her in response to her words, causing her to gasp. “Rey, if you want to leave this bed today, don’t call me that.”

 

“What if I don’t want to?” she tried in her best seductive tone.

 

“That could also be arranged,” he growled, running his index finger down her jaw.

 

His mouth came to rest against her shoulder, leaving a soft kiss on her skin. He let some of his weight fall onto her, just enough to keep her warm and feeling secure. Her hands drew circles on his lower back and his head tucked into the crook of her neck. It was so domestic, Rey realized how easy it was to become used to this. God, she had wanted this for so long. She craved his touch in this way for as long as she could remember.

 

Feeling his touch like this made her realize that she would never let him go again. She would die before she gave this up again. She wanted him, wanted him in every way possible. And so the next words that fell from her lips seemed natural.

 

Rey turned her head so that her lips grazed his hair. “Ben, I want you.”

 

Ben froze immediately and she felt the shudder work its way through his body. He pushed himself up onto his palms, putting enough distance between them that only the fronts of his thighs were rubbing against her.

 

“What? Are you sure?” he asked, his eyes studied her face.

 

She nodded, “Yes, definitely. I have always wanted it to be you.”

 

 _I wanted it to be you four years ago._ She thought to herself.

 

“Me too but we don’t have to rush,” he explained, running his hand tenderly over her cheek.

 

 _Me too_? Was he? Had he never?

 

“You too? Ben Solo, are you a virgin?” she questioned light-heartedly.

 

He smiled genuinely. “Yes. I wanted it to be right, to be you.”

 

“Oh,” she breathed in disbelief.

 

He wanted it to be her. He waited for her. What would have happened if they had never seen each other again? Would he have remained single for the rest of his life, living in regret? She was glad neither of them would ever have to find out.

 

He set his forehead against hers. “I’ll take care of you, I promise.”

 

“We can learn together,” she vowed.  

 

Ben lifted his right hand from beside her head and let it hover above her chest. Rey closed her eyes waiting for his touch. When it never came, she looked up at him.

 

His breathing became labored and he closed his eyes tightly. He was nervous and god, so was she but she felt so safe in his arms.

 

“You can touch me, you know. You’ve done it all weekend,” she joked, trying to break the tension.

 

He smiled at that. “I know. It’s, it’s just different now.”

 

Rey laughed and pressed a kiss against his jaw. “Ben, stop thinking so hard. Relax. We can stop whenever you want.”

 

He took in a deep breath and nodded his head. Rey felt him relax above her, and she could feel his worries disappear. Instead their bond was replaced with feelings of complete and utter adoration and love.

 

Ben crushed his lips against hers. Awakening a hunger within them both.

 

“God, I don’t deserve you,” he murmured against her lips.

 

 _You do, Ben. You deserve the world._ She pushed the words across their bond.

 

She knew that he heard her because he deepened the kiss. Every brush of his lips made her thirstier. He was intoxicating, making her drunk but it wasn’t enough.

 

She folded her arms around his neck and pulled his body on top of hers. She wrapped her legs around his back and rubbed herself against his hardening cock. It provided some relief but it still wasn’t enough. Rey groaned in frustration and Ben laughed at her impatience.  

Rey scrunched her nose at him and he placed a kissed against her temple. His hand finally found its way up her shirt and cupped her right breast. Her body arched up against him in response to his thumb gliding over her nipple.

 

His mouth moved from her temple down to her neck. The kisses turned into nips, and eventually into bites. He sucked and shiver went down her spine. Wow, that was a turn on she never realised she had.

 

Ben pulled away and looked at her neck. He had smug look on his face, clearly pleased with his work. He sat up, pulling her with him. His hands found the hem of her shirt and he yanked it over her head.

 

Rey sat completely naked below him while he remained in his boxers. She bit her lip as she eyed them. Her fingers delicately traced along the waistband. She gazed up at him and he nodded his permission. She tugged and they came down to his knees easily.

 

Ben was hard already but it didn’t stop her from grabbing him in her tiny hands. Her hand worked his shaft and he moaned loudly. He suddenly grabbed her wrist, removing it with force. He pinned it above her head but not before he placed a tender kiss in her palm. He took her other hand and held them easily in one of his own.

 

He used his other arm to steady her back as he laid her back against the mattress. His warm mouth lapped at her nipple. Her body moved involuntarily but with her arms pinned above her head, there was nowhere for Rey to go. She felt him smirk against her. He licked and kissed down her stomach.

 

His lips found hers again and she returned his movements just as gently. The hand on her hip slipped down in-between her legs. Rey opened them, allowing him access. His fingers rubbed soft circles against her clit before on thick finger slid easily inside of her. He curled it ever so slightly before retracting it.

 

Rey grumbled at the emptiness she felt. His fingers found her clit again, the feeling more sensitive than before. This time when his finger re-entered her, she felt fuller. It was then that she realized that he had used two fingers this time.

 

God, she must have been so wet for him in that moment. Ben added a third finger to go with the other two and holy fuck. She let out a strangled cry at the feeling at the same time Ben swore, appreciating how tight and wet she was.

 

His fingers worked in and out of her, while his thumb rubbed her nub. She was coming apart beneath him, turning into putty. She felt her climax building, her ears began to ring and her breathing quickened.

 

With one final swirl of his thumb Rey fell apart, shaking and screaming out his name. Ben traced the features of her face while he waited patiently for her to come back down to earth. When she could finally remember her name, she smiled up at him and kissed him soundly on the lips.

 

“I think I’m ready,” she whispered.

 

He nodded and got up off of her. He rolled over and rummaged through his side table.  

 

“What are you doing?” she asked.

 

“Getting a condom.”

 

When he found what he was looking for, he slammed the door shut and turned back to her.

 

“Oh, right. I’m glad you remembered. I don’t want to sound suspicious but if you’ve never had sex, why do you have condoms?” She eyed the foil packet in his hand.

 

Ben blushed. “I bought some yesterday. I didn’t know when we would, you know, but I wanted to be safe. I wanted to have a supply for when the time came.”

 

“You’re always so prepared,” she giggled, grabbing his arm to pull him against her.

 

Rey watched as he fumbled with the packet, trying to open it carefully. She wanted to help but she was clearly as inexperienced as him. When he finally removed the rubber, he chucked the wrapping over his shoulder.

 

She watched enamoured as he rolled the latex over his thick shaft. She was still baffled how he was going to fit inside of her.

 

Ben climbed over her and kissed her once before pulling way. “Are you sure?”

 

“Absolutely. Are you?” she asked sheepishly.

 

“I’ve waited for you for my life. I was never not ready.”

 

“You sap.”

 

He gave her one of his lopsided grins before he lined himself up her entrance. Rey sucked in as he pushed. She gasped as he entered her slowly, stretching her in ways that she has never felt before.

 

She assumed he was three quarters of the way when the pain became too much and her face contorted. Ben stilled immediately.

 

“Shit, Rey. I’m so sorry,” he panicked.

 

“No, it’s okay. I’ll be fine,” she gulped down the pain.  

 

He nodded and continued to slide into her. He must have been fully in because he stopped and groaned. It stung, Rey was not going to lie but it was not unbearable.

 

Ben kissed her tenderly, sending all his apologies through his touch. After a minute or so, the pain began to subside and was replaced by something else. Rey wouldn’t describe it as pleasure but as an immense fullness that she has never felt before.

 

“You can move.”

Ben searched her eyes, he swallowed, and must have decided that she was okay because he gave an experimental thrust.

 

When he discovered that she wasn’t hurting anymore, his movements became more frequent and desperate. They were shallow and inconsistent at first, lacking any confidence. But he hit a certain spot within her that made her eyes roll back.

 

He continued to thrust at the same angle once he understood the effect it had on her. Rey dug her nails into his back in response to the friction. Ben’s thrusts sped up, becoming erratic as he chased his release, her own building.

 

“Shit sweetheart, sorry, but I’m not going to last,” he apologized, stilling to almost a halt.  

 

She smiled sweetly, pushing his sweat laced curls from his eyes. He looked so vulnerable like this; naked and completely at her mercy. She knew he was close; she could feel it.

 

“It’s okay, Ben. Come for me.” Her voice was raspy from exhaustion.

 

He leaned down and kissed her lovingly before he moved again. It didn’t take long before he came undone above her. His pleasure exploded into their bond. Without warning, she keened, quaking as she was pushed over the edge with him- her bones and soul burst into a million single atoms as she cried out his name.

 

Ben collapsed on top of her, spent. With her arms like jelly, she did her best to embrace his huge frame. They stayed like that for what felt like eternity. They held each other tightly, their heart rate and breathing slowing together as they came back from their high.

 

He planted a single chaste kiss to her shoulder before he rolled out of her and shifted out of the bed. He returned from the bathroom moments later, picking up his boxers along the way. He slipped them on and re-joined her back in the bed.

 

Rey moved over to him, using his bicep as her pillow. His other arm was slung over her body to trace patterns up and down her spine. 

 

“Does it always feel that good?” she asked.

 

“I don’t know but that was the most incredible thing I’ve ever felt,” he responded truthfully.

 

She nodded, understanding exactly what he meant. She finally understood what everyone was going on about. Although what they had between them, had to be something else. She would kill for this, die for this. But even more, she would live for him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Rey turned up to class unusually late on Monday morning. She should have gone home Sunday night but Ben had managed to convince to her stay the night. What they both hadn’t considered was the fact that Rey only had her work uniform and had been wearing his clothes all weekend. She couldn’t turn up to his class on Monday morning with her work pants on and one of his shirts. Rose would be suspicious for one and two it was it risk they did not need to take.

 

Ben had the idea to drop her off to her dorm late, way after Rose should’ve left for class so that she could get changed. Ultimately, it would make them both late. Ben, however, had beaten her there.

 

The whole class turned as she opened the doors to the large auditorium. Her eyes found Ben immediately and she did her best not to smile. She quickly muttered her apologies. He nodded once in acknowledgement and turned away. She scurried up to her spot next to Rose.

 

“Talk about cutting it fine,” Rose whispered.

 

Rey blushed and dug around in her bag for her textbook. Rey smiled at her innocently before she drew her attention to Ben who has pacing the front of the room. Her heart warmed as she observed him, her professor, her boyfriend, her soulmate.  

 

“How are the family?” Rose asked, genuinely curious.

 

Rose knew about her family situation, of how she was a foster child. She did not, however, know that their professor was her foster cousin.

 

“Good?” she answered, slightly confused by the sudden interest in her family.

 

“You went home right?” Rose cocked an eyebrow.

 

Shit. She had completely forgotten that is what she had told Rose on Friday night. She missed them, at least that’s what she told her. It wasn’t a lie. She did. It’s just that wasn’t where she really was.

 

“Oh yeah, sorry wasn’t really listening,” she lied.

 

“Thanks,” Rose laughed, “Great to know that you listen to me.”

 

“Oh, shut up.” Rey rolled her eyes and slapped her arm playfully.

 

Rey was glad that Rose was so understanding. She wanted to tell her about Ben, she really did but it was too risky.  

 

“I was going to give you a revision exam today,” Ben spoke.

 

Rey’s attention shot back to the front of the room. She groaned along with the rest of the class. He could’ve given her a warning, couldn’t he? It would be unethical, yes, they discussed that she was not to be at an advantage in anyway. But surely a little heads-up wouldn’t have hurt?  

 

“But I got caught up on the weekend and didn’t have the chance to write one so you guys are off the hook.” Everyone cheered and clapped. Ben snorted, “For now.”

 

His eyes found Rey’s and he gave the tiniest hint of a smile, a gleam of smugness twinkled in his eyes.

 

“Wow, he’s in a good mood,” someone said in the row behind them.

 

Ben grabbed a piece of paper from his bag and placed it on the screen projector. He allowed the class a moment to read it. It was a poem, a pretty cryptic one. She can’t say she had come across it before and there was no author indicated.

 

Rey read the lines over and over again. It wasn’t until her third read that she realized that this poem encapsulated her and Ben’s relationship perfectly. Had he written this? If so, when? Rey gulped nervously and looked around the room. She shook her head; deciding she was being stupid. No one could possibly know that he had written it, let alone known that it was about her.

 

“What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you read the first line?”

 

“Adoration!” someone yelled from the back of the room.

 

Ben nodded and wrote ‘adoration’ in red ink over the first line. He left his hand resting on the paper after each comment. They were almost at the end when Rose spoke.

 

“Woah, Ren has a tattoo,” Rose thought aloud.  

 

“Really?” Rey squeaked and pulled down her sleeve to hide her own.

 

Rey’s eyes darted back and forth between Rose and the screen. Praying that she hadn’t noticed the fresh one on her own wrist. Surely she would’ve said something if she had.

 

“What is that? A ‘B’? No, wait. I think it’s an ‘R’.” Rose guessed, her brows furrowed in concentration.

 

“It’s an ‘R’.” Rey’s hand flew to her mouth. That just slipped out.  

 

Rose looked at her sceptically. “What? How did you know that?”

 

“I saw it before when he was writing.” Rey shrugged.  

 

“Oh, okay. Can’t believe I hadn’t noticed it before. It has to be new.”     

 

Rey let out a relieved breath, thankful for her quick thinking.

 

“What do you think means?” Rose questioned curiously.

 

“Wouldn’t know,” Rey responded.

 

 _He’s mine._ The possessive, animalistic part of her was shouting. _It means he’s bound to me, forever, and I, him._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who has stuck with me.  
> you guys keep me writing this. Honestly, I don't think I would have written this much if it weren't for you guys.


	13. 2014 part six (21 years old)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is unbeta'd 
> 
> there is more smut in this chapter because I have no self control.

It had been almost four weeks since Ben and Rey had discovered that they were soulmates. Four weeks that she had hidden the tattoo on her wrist, and their secret rendezvous after classes. They never did anything that could risk them getting caught- not that it stopped Rey from imagining him bending her over his desk.

 

Just like right now.

 

 _Stop_.

 

They were taking that revision exam he promised them and all she could think about was her professor eating her out. She was finished her paper anyway.

 

Ben was seated behind his desk at the front of the small lecture room. His hands were clenched in fists and the muscles his jaw were working overtime.

 

The one thing about this bond was that they felt everything that the other person felt. It was often a good thing but in times like this, it was anything but.

 

Rey squeezed her thighs together in attempt to dampen her arousal but instead just made herself more frustrated.

 

 _Rey_. Ben shot a warning across to her.

 

Her eyes snapped to his and she could see the hunger scorching within them.

 

She bit her lip subconsciously and gazed around the room. Everyone was so concentrated on their papers it would be so easy to just slip her hand down her pants and-

 

A strangled groan originated from the front of the room. Her gaze came back to his, knowing instantly that the noise came from him. His face was contorted into a stony mask but Rey could see he was struggling to stay impassive. She looked back at her classmates but no one seemed to notice his outburst and Rey smiled to herself.

 

It was time to have some fun. He was punishing her by making her take this stupid exam and now it was his turn to suffer.

 

She imagined various x-rated positions they could be in on his desk, under it, her pinned up against the blackboard. She then pushed the vivid images across their bond to him. She immediately felt his arousal heighten. His eyes narrowed at her and she smiled sweetly, bringing the pen to her mouth. His lips parted as she sucked on it gently before licking the end to the tip.

 

The alarm on Ben’s laptop went off indicating that the test was over.

 

He cleared his throat. “That’s it. Pen’s down.”

 

There were mumbled protests scattered around the room and sighs of relief. Rey didn’t know what they were whining about. It wasn’t that difficult and it didn’t count towards their final grade anyway.

 

The students slowly filed out of the room, dropping their papers on Ben’s desk on the way through. Ben stared at his laptop as students shot him death glares when they walked past. Rey lingered around her desk for longer than necessary until she was the last one in the room. She walked forward, placing the test in front of him.

 

She thought he wasn’t going to acknowledge her until his hand shot out and grabbed her wrist.

 

“My office now.” His voice was low, commanding, sexy.

 

Rey smirked triumphantly.

 

“Yes, _sir_.”

 

Rey pulled her wrist from his grasp and twisted on her heel. She gave her hip a slight jut and strutted away, knowing full well that Ben was staring at her ass.

 

“That test was so hard, what the actual fuck.” Rose blurted as soon as Rey exited the auditorium.

 

Rey did not think so but she knew better than to sound like a know-it-all. She also did not want to make Rose feel worse than she probably already did.

 

Rey nodded in agreement, “Mh-hm.”

 

Ben marched past the two girls, their papers under his arm. Rey watched him all the way down the hallway and turned her attention back to Rose. She noticed that Rose was staring at him too but was instead shooting daggers at him with her eyes.

 

“I’ve got to get to my physics class. I’ll see you tonight?” Rose said.

 

Rey smiled. “See you then.”

 

She was suddenly grateful that they were in different seminar classes for their physics subject. Now she didn’t have to think of some excuse to go to Ben’s office.

 

Rey had to practically stop herself from running up the stairs. She stopped at the office at the end of the corridor, marked ‘Professor Kylo Ren.”

 

She knocked three times- once, pause, and then two more knocks. It was their secret knock so that Ben knew it was her.

 

The door flung open and Ben leaned out of the frame to look down the hallway. He stepped back in, pulling her in with him. As soon as he shut the door, she was pushed up against it. His lips were against her before she could regain her breath.

 

Ben’s hands were clutching at her hips as her hands tangled into his hair. His hands slid down her thighs, lifting her before wrapping her legs around him. He walked them backwards until his legs hit his desk. He twisted her and gave her one last deep kiss before he deposited her onto the desk.

 

“You are such a minx, teasing me like that. Wanting me to fuck you right then and there,” Ben growled, standing between her legs.

 

“Did it work?” she smiled.

 

He grabbed her chin and directed her gaze up to him. “Sweetheart, I had such a raging hard on that I couldn’t get up from my desk.”

 

She grabbed his tie and pulled him down towards her. Their lips were millimeters from touching.

 

“It’s your own fault, looking so handsome up there in your suit and glasses. I couldn’t help it,” she said while her hand ran through his hair.

 

His eyes darkened a little and his mouth twitched. He scooped up one of her thighs and wrapped it around him. His other hand flicked open her button of her jeans and trailed into her underwear.

 

“You’re very bad, Rey. You should’ve been concentrating on your test. Maybe I should punish you for misbehaving,” he used the same low, commanding voice as before.

 

A tingle worked its way down her spine all the way to her- Oh _, oh_. She liked it, this dominant side of him.   

 

His finger began to circle her clit, relieving some of the built up pressure.

 

“I was fini-uh” He dropped his hand lower, teasing her entrance with the most delicate touch. It was doing nothing for her, just making her more frustrated.  “Ben, please. I need you, stop teasing.”

 

He laughed, “Seems only fair.”

 

He caught her lips in another dominating, intense kiss. He held her with an arm against her back while he ground against her inner thigh. His thumb found her clit again and he rubbed with more force and she whimpered into his mouth.

 

Rey broke the kiss reluctantly.

 

“Ben! I want you so badly, please, just fuck me,” she begged him.  

 

He smiled deviously, “Patience.”

 

Fuck that.

 

How did he have so much control right now?

 

She grabbed for his belt, when he didn’t push her away she loosened it, undoing his zipper swiftly. She looked up at him, asking for permission and he nodded. She pulled down his pants and briefs in one movement.

 

She went to touch him when he grabbed her wrist. She cocked her eyebrow at him and he shook his head.

 

Ben instead pulled her to feet, so that he could rip her jeans down her legs. She stepped out of them and kicked them away. She smirked and turned herself around, bracing herself on the desk, sticking her ass out slightly. His hand cupped her ass cheek and he gave her squeeze before he placed a soft slap right in the middle. Rey gasped, and instantly felt her arousal build.

 

His hands gripped her hips and she was ready for him to take her from behind. However, he flipped her over, pushing her back onto the desk. He spread her legs apart and lined himself up. He pushed forward and slipped into her in one thrust. Her head fell back in bliss.

 

When Ben finally moved, her world shook. His movements were deep but fast. She leaned in to suck on his neck as his thumb rubbed circles against her nub.

 

She could already feel her climax building. All that pent up frustration, she knew she was never going to last long. Ben must have also felt her looming orgasm because his hips began pounding into her more quickly.

 

He changed the angle and she fell to pieces around him. Her walls began to contract and a string of swears mixed with his name erupted from her lips. The hand which was on her back came to clamp over her mouth. Her legs squeezed around him as he continued to slip in and and out of her.

 

Rey’s forehead came to rest on his collar bone, completely boneless. A few moments later, she felt Ben’s breathing quicken, and him pulse within inside her. His warm seed coating her walls. He groaned as the final pulse filled her up.

 

She smiled up at him through hooded eyes and he placed a tender kiss on her lips. He pulled out of her, reaching for the tissues on his desk. He cleaned himself first, tucking himself back into his pants. He then busied himself cleaning her up, but not before he used two fingers to push his cum back into her.

 

Rey had an IUD put in after their first time, not necessarily for moments like this but it was an added bonus. It was the best decision she had made this month. There was something satisfying about it and it set off something primal within her having his spend drip down her thighs.

 

She slipped off the desk to pick up her jeans.

 

“We probably shouldn’t do that again,” she laughed while buttoning them up.

 

Ben smiled, amused. “Why? You seemed to like it.”

 

Rey smiled up at him, biting her lip and spoke softly, “Ben, it’s dangerous. We could get caught.”

 

She waited for him to respond, readjusting his tie so that he looked presentable and not as though he just fucked his student.

 

“So what? We’re soulmates, we have a bond stronger than marriage. Whatever they try to do to us won’t hold up,” he reasoned.  

 

He was right. After the fiasco with his grandfather and other similar cases, the law changed a decade ago.

 

_Nothing is to stand between soulmates. Not position, title, age, race or gender._

However, the age part was still a gray area. Relationships were questioned if someone believed the age of the youngest person to be vulnerable.

It was almost a universal law, or agreement. There were some countries which were yet to catch on. Although the laws were in place, Rey was not concerned about the legal aspects of their relationship. It was the social part. She would be shunned; he would lose his respect within the university. Their relationship would normally be unethical and banned in any other situation. It would make them a target for gossip and bullying.

 

“I know but it doesn’t mean that it won’t ruin your career or my reputation. Can you imagine if the other students found out that we were together? They would insist that I was getting special treatment.”

 

“You would care what they think?” he questioned.

 

“A little,” she admitted sheepishly.

 

He sighed and declared, “You know you deserve every single mark you have received this semester. Besides, I mark blind anyway. I have no idea who writes the paper until I enter the grades into the system.”

 

His hand found her cheek and his thumb rubbed gentle circles over skin. She looked up at him, pulling back a bit.

 

Rey noticed he was staring at her, realization in his eyes.

 

“You looked relieved. Wait, you thought I was giving you those marks because of our history?” he asked slightly shocked.

 

“Part of me thought so,” she confessed. She bit her lip and blushed. “I couldn’t help it.”

 

“You’re talented, you need to know that. If I didn’t know you better, I would have pushed you to pursue literature,” he said truthfully. His face was soft as he leant down to place his lips to her temple.  

 

God, what did she ever do to deserve someone who loved her so deeply, so unconditionally?

 

“I love you,” she whispered as she rested her ear against his chest.  

 

“I know,” he said smugly, repeating her words from their first night together.  

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It was one week before Thanksgiving which meant she had seven days to convince Ben to come home with her. It was going to be a challenge but she was not leaving without him.

 

She didn’t go home for her birthday the previous week but she spent hours on the phone with Mara followed by Leia. Leia wasn’t the same person since she had returned and Rey knew it was because she believed she had lost Ben forever. It destroyed her knowing that she knew her son was safe and now happy but she couldn’t say anything to her. She was her family but it wasn’t her place to tell her.

 

Rey was currently sitting in the library, tapping her pen against the table, trying to concentrate on her physics assignment. Rose sat beside her, typing busily and occasionally shooting her a warning look to shut the fuck up. Rey would just poke her tongue out at her and continue on tapping.

 

Rey’s phone began to buzz on the table beside her book. She expected to see Ben’s name light up the screen but instead it was Finn’s. Rey’s eyes widened at the realization. Finn very rarely called, he opted to text her.

 

“Hey,” Rey greeted him excitedly.    

 

“Rey, where are you?” Finn asked.

 

She frowned. “I’m in the library, why?”

 

Rey could hear muffled talking in the background.

 

“Because I’m standing out the front of your dorm looking like a pervert.” He laughed.

 

Her mouth dropped open. “What?! You’re here?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Oh my god, he was here. She hadn’t seen him in months. Not since she was home last. She jumped up from her chair and began shovelling everything into her bag.

 

“Hang on, I’ll be there soon!”

 

Rose was watching at her with a confused expression. Rey put her hand up to indicate that she’ll explain in a second. She considered her dorm room for a moment, remembering that it currently looked like a bomb had gone off it in, hence, why they were studying in the library.

 

“Wait, meet me at the coffee shop just outside my block,” she informed him.

 

“I’ll see you soon,” he said happily and hung up.

 

Rey stared into empty space while she tried to comprehend what was happening.

 

“Earth to Rey,” Rose waved her hand in front of her face.

 

“Oh, sorry.” Rey laughed. “Finn’s here.”

 

“Really? What a surprise,” Rose said, shocked.

 

“Did you want to come and meet him?” Rey asked.

 

“Might as well. I seem to know everything about him anyway.” Rose giggled and tucked her laptop under her arm.

 

It was true. Rey spoke very highly of Finn, Mara, and Leia to Rose. They would often sit up late discussing their families and how much they missed them. Rey considered Finn her brother and filled Rose in on everything he did. Similarly, Rose spoke the same of her sister Paige. Both of the girls had never met the other’s siblings but they knew everything was to know about them.  

 

 

*

 

Rey noticed Finn standing outside the coffee shop as they approached. She broke into a sprint and he walked towards her. She threw herself into arms, laughing excitedly as she hugged him tightly.

 

They stayed in each other’s embrace for a moment before Rey pulled away from him. He was grinning down at her when he noticed Rose standing behind her. Rey turned around to see that Rose was staring at him with her mouth slightly agape. Rey smirked and looked back at Finn.

 

“Finn, this is my roommate, Rose. Rose, Finn.” Rey gestured between the two.

 

“Hi, Rose.” Finn held out his hand to her.

 

“The Finn.” Rose breathed in awe and she suddenly shook her head. “I mean nice to meet you.”

 

Rose took his hand, shaking it. Finn held onto her hand longer than necessary before letting go. Rey stood there, staring between the two, completely bewildered by the experience. Was she just witnessing her best friends falling for each other?

 

Rey cleared her throat. “Ah, do you guys want some coffee?”

 

“That would be fantastic!” Finn exclaimed, reaching for his wallet.

 

Rey waved him off. “I’ve got it. My shout.”

 

“Thank you. Flat white, please,” he said.

 

“Same, please.” Rose added when Rey looked at her for her order.

 

Rey smiled and nodded before turning towards the front counter. She couldn’t help the feeling that Rose and Finn were about to hit it off. They were counter opposites but the same in so many ways. Just like her and Ben.

 

When Rey joined them at the table they had chosen out in sun, despite the chilly air, she noticed immediately how close they were sitting to each other. They were completely engrossed in their conversation.

 

Rey sat across from Finn. She let them finish their conversation before she asked him how he was doing. They engaged in small talk until the coffees arrived.

 

“Oh, I almost forgot!” Finn exclaimed suddenly.

 

He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small velvet pouch.

 

“Happy Birthday.” He grinned and handed her the gift.

 

“Oh, thank you. You really didn’t have to though,” she said, considering the fabric.  

 

Finn waved his hand, dismissing it as not a big deal.

 

She opened the ribbon at the top and tipped the contents into her hand. A small silver charm fell into her palm.

 

“A peanut for my peanut,” Finn explained.

 

Rey laughed and played with the charm.

 

“I know you still wear the charm bracelet. You have a piece of him and I know that I’m not him but I was hoping you would wear something for me too.” Finn asked.

 

Rey nodded, “Of course I will, Finn.”  

 

Rey always wore the charm bracelet that Ben bought her for her seventeenth birthday. She refused to take it off actually.

 

Finn delicately took the charm from her palm and turned her wrist over. He clipped the peanut next to the car, heart, and tree which Ben had given her. Leia bought her a charm covered in hand prints, it was supposed to represent family. It had made her cry when she had explained the meaning.

 

Rey smiled widely, it was perfect. Everyone who was important to her now was represented on her wrist.

 

She looked up to Finn and noticed that he was staring at her arm, eyes wide. She followed his gaze to see that her sleeve had risen up slightly. Sitting there as visible as if she was showing him, was her tattoo. She swallowed deeply.

 

Shit. She looked at Rose who was also staring.

 

“You got a tattoo?” Finn asked.

 

“Ah,” Rey said, stumped as what to answer. She couldn’t lie, there was no hiding it now.

 

“Is that a ‘B’? Is that for who I think it’s for?” Finn thought aloud.

 

“Yes and it’s not really a tattoo. Well it is, but it wasn’t my doing,” she defended, stumbling over her words.

 

Finn scrunched his nose. “What?”

 

Well here goes nothing.

 

“It’s my soulmark. He’s here Finn and he’s my soulmate.”

 

Finn stopped breathing and leaned back into the cane chair. He considered her a moment, the silence making her question everything.

 

“How is that possible?” Finn exhaled, confused about what the hell was going on.

 

“The mark were my eyes. They were never really green. They were green like the mark on his wrist.”

 

Finn bent in to get a better look at her eyes. Once he noticed that they were now blue his mouth opened. But then he paused, closing it again.

 

Rey could see the gears turning in his head as he did the calculations in his mind. She watched as he counted back to when she saw him last and how her eyes were green. And then he realized.

 

“Holy shit. Wait, Ben’s here?” he questioned.

 

“Yeah he works here. The other week we, uhm, kissed and I can’t explain it. It was like this force went through us and we both felt this pain. We ended up with tattoos and our marks disappeared,” Rey explained as she ran her index finger over her tattoo.

 

“Holy shit!” Finn wheezed and Rey flinched at his sudden outburst. “Sorry, I’m just trying to comprehend this. Holy shit.”

 

“I know,” she laughed.  

 

“You have a soulmate?!” Rose finally spoke up. Rey jumped, completely forgetting she was there. Fuck. She didn’t know who Ben was. It was only a matter of time.

 

 “Oh my god, who is he?” Rose grabbed Rey’s forearm and widened her eyes as though she was a child being told some huge secret.

 

Rey faltered. “Ah.”

 

Finn spoke again once he comprehended what she had just told him. “Fuck, Rey. Was he a good kisser?”

 

“Amazing. Like nothing I’ve ever felt before,” she admitted shyly but she couldn’t stop the smile from forming on her lips.

 

“Oh my god, you’ve done more than kiss him, haven’t you?” Finn beamed.

 

“Yes.”

 

Finn licked his lips and crossed his arms. “You lucky bitch.”

 

“Wait, am I missing something here? Rey who is he?” Rose begged.

 

Rey instantly felt bad for her. Finn gave her a quizzical look as though he couldn’t understand why Rose didn’t know who it was. Of course he would assume she had told her because Finn did not know that Ben was their professor. A minor detail which she had chosen to leave out.

 

“Oh, hi there, Ben!” Finn called out and Rey’s eyebrows shot up.

 

No way. What the hell was he doing here?

 

She twisted quickly in her chair to see that Ben had paused dead on the spot. Ben slowly turned at the mention of his real name as though he thought he may have misheard the person who called out.

 

There was a terrifying moment where Ben’s face washed blank with confusion, like his brain couldn’t work fast enough to take in the information from his wide eyes. Every muscle of his body just froze before a smile crept onto his face.

 

“Finn? What are you doing here?” Ben asked, surprisingly cheerful.

 

Perhaps Ben had liked Finn more than she had realized. It was almost though he was happy to see him.

 

“Decided to surprise my best friend,” Finn gleamed.

 

Ben’s eyes found Rey’s and he nodded. “That’s nice of you.”

 

The three, wait four of them stared at each other in awkward silence. No-one sure what else to say.

 

“Hi Professor Ren.” Rose piped up, breaking the silence.

 

“Ms. Tico.”

 

“Professor?” Finn’s mouth dropped open. “He’s your professor?” Finn whispered to Rey.

 

Rey gulped and nodded once, refusing to look at either of them. Finn let out a belly chuckle.

 

“Oh, you’re fucked. What’s with the Ren, _Ben_?” he asked Ben, still laughing at the whole situation.  

 

Ben sucked his bottom lip and shifted his weight to the opposite leg. He ran a hand down his face and he eyed the pathway beside him. He looked as though he was ready to make a dash for it. Honestly, Rey was ready to join him.

 

“You two know each other?” Rose pointed between Ben and Finn with her thumb before she tilted her head at Ben. “Wait you’re Ben?”

 

The color drained from Rey’s face when Rose muttered those words.

 

Abort. Abort. Abort.

 

Ben rubbed his neck. “Uh.”

 

“You also have a tattoo. R… _Rey_.” Rose said aloud, piecing the fragments together. Rey watched as the cogs ticked within her brain. “Oh my god. You’re-he’s your soul-”

 

“Shhhh.” Rey slapped her hand over Rose’s mouth. “Not here. I’ll explain everything but not here.”

 

Rose looked between Ben and Rey, her eyes as wide as saucers. She was mumbling into Rey’s hand. Rey let her calm down and once she was certain that she wasn’t going to say something stupid, she dropped her hand.

 

Rose let a single phrase drop from her mouth. “Holy fucking shit.”

 

 

* 

 

Rey explained everything to both Rose and Finn back in her dorm. They both just sat there, too stunned to even interrupt her. Finn filled in some missing pieces for Rose as the story went on. Mostly stuff from her childhood which Rey had never noticed.

 

By the end of Rey’s speech, Rose had spoken of her surprise that neither of them had noticed that they were soulmates. Especially with the unexplained zaps and the fact that they could feel each other’s pain and emotions. She also stated that it was obvious that they had always been in love with each other and Finn had agreed with that.

 

Rey was currently sitting on her bed, working on some classwork while Rose was in one of her seminar classes.

 

Suddenly a bizarre sound filled her ears, like a gush of air passing her. She could feel something, or rather someone looking at her. Her head snapped up to find herself staring into the eyes of Ben Solo.

 

He appeared as shocked as she felt. He looked like was sitting in a chair at a desk but there was nothing beneath him. They both stood up, and took a step closer.

 

Ben’s eyes darted around the room and fell back on her.

 

“Can you see my surroundings?” he asked intrigued.

 

“No.” She could only see him, in her room.

 

“I can’t see anything, just you,” he whispered.

 

“What is this?” Rey questioned and shuffled closer to him.

 

She reached up to his face carefully. She expected her hand to pass through him but instead, it landed on his cheek. She could touch him as though he was there, his soft, warm skin beneath her palm. They both gasped at the sensation and realization of what was happening. Whatever it was.

 

 “We’re not just bonded, Rey. This is something else.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Rose knows now, yay. 
> 
> I was always planning to add their force bond into this but I could never pick the right time. So I added it here. I hope it's okay. 
> 
> I owe you guys some answers and I promise a lot will come in the next chapter. 
> 
> I'm aiming to have this finished by the new year, so strap in guys.


	14. 2014 part seven (21 years old)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is unbeta'd. 
> 
> this is the second last chapter for this story. and hopefully it provides some answers for you.

 

 

Ben sat in his office on Thursday morning. He did not have a class today but chose to keep busy by grading papers as Rey was working later today. He was afraid that if he was to have any time to think, he would literally freak the fuck out. They still hadn’t figured out what this connection was between them.

 

It was clear that they were soulmates, there was no other explanation for it. But Ben has read every piece of literature on soulmates in attempt to find answers. So far, he’d found nothing to explain it. They were like other mates in that they could feel each other’s emotions. The tattoos were also common but not always present in some cases.

 

What was not normal was that they could seem to communicate telepathically and more recently, appear to each other from miles apart. It happened again last night. He awoke just after midnight with Rey’s small body wrapped in his arms. Not that he complained but it was a bit of a shock to have gone to bed alone, only to wake up with your girlfriend in your arms even though she was technically in her own bed.

 

Ben spent hours this morning researching and gave up when he found nothing. He just felt more crazy than he did he when he started.

 

His ringtone pulled him out of his reverie and back into reality. He noticed that his red pen had left a blob on a student’s paper where he had accidentally left it resting.

 

“Kylo Ren, I want to see you in my office now,” Snoke’s voice demanded through the speaker before Ben had even had time to say hello.  

 

Ben paused, he very rarely called unscheduled meetings. “Is something wrong sir?”

 

There was silence on the other end as though Snoke was contemplating the ramifications of answering that question.

 

“Bring Miss Jakobs with you.”

 

No.

 

He couldn’t know about them. It was impossible. They had been so careful. Snoke was rarely on campus, there was no way he had ever seen them together.

 

Ben panicked. “What? No way.”

 

“You will bring her to me, Ren,” Snoke demanded.

 

“Not until you explain what you want for her for.”

 

Ben had never stood up to him in this way before but the man was a monster. He would not subject Rey to his vile presence.

 

“You are testing my patience, child. I won’t ask again.”  Ben could hear the warning in Snoke’s voice. This was not a battle he was going to win and perhaps fighting it was going to end up doing more harm than good.

 

 

 

Ben knew that Rey was on campus and close, he could feel her signature. It was hard to explain. It was like this energy- light and joy radiating in a room of darkness. All he had to was follow the energy and he would find her.

 

The library.

 

He sprinted down the stairs of his building and down the concrete pathways leading to where he needed to be. As he entered through the glass doors, he paused, pulling his phone from his pocket. She picked up after the third ring.

 

“Which floor are you on?” he asked Rey.

 

“Second,” she answered and he hung up before she had the chance to ask anything else.

 

He dashed up the stairs, taking two at a time. He spotted her and Rose sitting in the far corner, almost blocked by the shelves. He took in a deep breath and walked over to them. He kept his gaze off of them, trying to act as though he was not in there to see them.

 

“What’s wrong?” Rey whispered loudly as he approached their desk.

 

Both of them quickly scanned the room, making sure no one was watching them.

 

“Hi, Ben!” Rose greeted in hushed but cheerful tone.

 

Ben flinched. “I’m going to ignore that for now and we will talk about what you can and can’t call me, Miss Tico.”

 

He narrowed his eyes at Rose and she smiled mischievously before she looked at Rey.

 

Ben cleared his throat and attempted to keep his voice free from any hint of concern. “Snoke has requested to see us in his office.”

 

Rey’s eyes widened. “Both of us? Do you think he knows?”

 

“Possibly.”

 

“Oh, no,” she gasped.

 

Rose took in a sharp breath from beside Rey, causing Ben to look at her. She appeared as worried as they did.  

 

Ben bit his lip and regarded the room, when he was satisfied no one was watching, he stepped forward.

 

“Hey, don’t worry. We will figure this out, together,” he promised and his pinkie finger grazed hers on the desk.  

 

“You guys are so cute,” Rose sighed.

 

“Rose!”

 

“I’m supposed to work this afternoon,” Rey recalled.

 

Ben could see her chewing the inside of her cheek as her panic intensified. Ben stared at her for a moment, trying to think of her options. He could call Maz for her, explain that it was college stuff. Would Maz even let him speak though? Or would she hang up as soon as she heard his voice?  

 

“I’ll work for you. Need the money anyway.” Rose said to Rey.

 

Rey exhaled in relief. “Thank you, Rose. You’re a lifesaver.”

 

Rey collected her belongings and rose from the chair. She peered up at him, a glint of amusement twinkled in her eye.

 

“Let’s go face Satan.”

 

She was trying to be poised but Ben could sense her fear, she stunk of it. Honestly, he probably did too.

 

 

*

 

 

Ben and Rey stopped, both frozen in terror as they stared at Snoke’s closed door. This could be it, the end of both of them.

 

“I’m scared,” Rey admitted.

 

Ben grabbed Rey’s chin so that he could bring her eyes to his.  

 

“Truthfully, I am too.”

 

“What if he asks about us? Do we deny it?” she asked.

 

Ben shook his head. “There’s no point. If he knows, then he knows.”

 

Ben rubbed her cheek with his thumb before looking back at the door. He removed his hand from her face and knocked once. Rey held her breath as he opened the door.

 

“Ah, my young apprentice and Miss Jakobs. How nice to see you both.”

 

Apprentice? Apprentice of what?

 

Snoke’s lips curled upwards. It was a smile but not a friendly one. There was no kindness in it, instead it made Rey think of a demon from those stupid horror movies Rose makes her watch.

 

“What did you want to see us for.” Ben demanded, it wasn’t a question.

 

No blink or expression graced Snoke's face at the demand, as if he'd been expecting such an outburst. He was obviously used to his short temper.

 

“I’ve heard rumors,” Snoke said imperturbably.

 

“What rumors?”

 

“Cut the bullshit Ren. I know who she is,” Snoke said to Ben, acting as though Rey wasn’t standing there.  

 

“Yes, she’s one of my best students.” Ben plastered a fake smile on his face.

 

Snoke tsked, clearly unimpressed and not falling for Ben’s act.  

 

“Rey Jakobs, the foster child of Luke and Mara Skywalker. Put into the system because her parents tried to sell her for drinking money. The Skywalkers took her in. She and her foster cousin became best friends, inseparable until one day she was taken away.”

 

“ _How_?” Ben stuttered. The color drained from his face.

 

“Everyone thought you were a wonderful protective brother to her, didn’t they? But it was more than that Kylo Ren, wasn’t it? You loved her. A sick, perverted grown man, in love with his teenaged cousin.”

 

Snoke’s glare flicked from her and back to Ben.

 

“It wasn’t like that,” Ben insisted.

 

Rey knew that Ben hated that part of him. The part that loved her all those years ago.

 

_He was in love with you, Rey and it was killing him._

Poe had explained it to her two years ago. As much as she despised that Ben pushed himself away, she understood. He thought loving her made him a monster.

 

“No? You didn’t threaten the case worker when they took her away when she was seventeen? You didn’t search endlessly for months?” Snoke scorned him, feeding on his fear.

 

“You came looking for me?” Rey whispered to Ben. He nodded slightly before turning back to Snoke. He had never told her that part of the story.

 

“You couldn’t possibly know all this,” Ben hissed.

 

Snoke inclined his head in what Rey could only describe as amusement. Rey kept her face stony. Snoke glanced over her once, a look of disgust followed.   

 

“How did Unkar Plutt treat you, Miss Jakobs? He had many complaints against his name from previous foster children. They never held up though, never enough evidence.”

 

“You! You had some part in this,” Ben seethed through clenched teeth.

 

“You ruined my life!” Rey cried.

 

Snoke pushed himself up from his leather chair. His fist connected with the table and Rey flinched. He leaned forward, baring his teeth.

 

“You were going to ruin my apprentice’s! You were his humanity. You made him weak, the only thing tying him to his past life.”  

 

Something hateful entered Snoke’s eyes. It was fleeting but it was there. It was the first sign of emotion that he had shown the entire time. And it was aimed at her.

 

“You’re a monster,” Rey spat.

 

“Kylo Ren, can’t you see how blind she makes you? When I first found you, I saw what all masters live to see. Raw, untamed power and potential…and beyond that, something truly special. The potential of your mighty Skywalker bloodline,” Snoke chastised Ben.  

 

Rey saw something snap in Ben, all those years of torment. Years of abuse and manipulation finally bubbled to the surface. Years ago, Ben would’ve cowered at his master’s words. Not anymore.

 

“I gave everything I had to you and in return, you took everything from me!” Ben growled.

 

“You have too much of your father’s heart in you, young Solo.”

 

Ben hesitated. “I am nothing like him.”

 

“No, you are weaker. Look at you, leaving your family split your spirit to the bone. You are unbalanced, blind.”

 

Snoke walked around his desk and approached the couple. He was taller than Rey originally thought. His tailored suit screamed wealth and the way he carried him self made it appear that the world was beneath him.  

 

“I thought sending her away would allow you to see more clearly but alas, it made you more conflicted. You are no leader; you are just a child in a mask.” Snoke’s voice vibrated throughout the room.

 

“You took her from me?!” Ben roared.

 

Ben stepped forward so that he was eye to eye with the man he would’ve once bowed to.

 

“One of the benefits of being a senator with a lot of connections. I can do anything, including remove foster children from their families and cause paperwork to become lost. However, I didn’t succeed very well. It seems you two found each other again.”

 

“Because we are soulmates, you hagged skin bag. You can’t keep us apart.” Rey said triumphantly.

 

“Oh, but I can.” He smiled.

 

“I have every piece of evidence that you sabotaged your mother’s election. You’ll be sent to prison for years. I wonder how strong your bond will be when you’re behind bars.” Snoke said calmly to Ben. “And Miss Jakobs, I have plenty of CCTV footage of you stealing groceries as a teenager. Coupled with the lodged reports of aggravated assault against your foster brother Teedo at Plutt’s junkyard. You may not be sent to prison but it will be enough to give you a criminal record. Have fun trying to get a graduate job after those offenses.”

 

She thought no one knew about that. Plutt used to starve her and the other children, only feeding them enough to keep their hearts beating. Some nights the younger children would stay up wailing in hunger. Occasionally Rey couldn’t take it anymore and she would sneak into the local convenience store. She would steal small items, food only and sanitary items, but never anything more than what was required. She never got caught, at least she thought she hadn’t.

 

And the run-in with Teedo. She did regret it sometimes but if the matter arose again, she would take the same actions. Teedo was a horrible boy, a year older than her. He used to pick on the little kids, steal their rations. He was bullying the youngest member of the group when Rey stepped in. Something in Rey snapped, the darkness which she always kept buried. She yelled at him and socked him straight in the nose.

 

The police were called and a report was filed. Rey bribed Teedo with food and offering to take his hours in the junkyard, in order for him to not press charges. As she was a minor and the police believed the incident to be a once-off, and let her off. She buried that part of her life a long time ago and yet, Snoke managed to dig it up.

 

“What do you want?” Rey asked.

 

“I want Miss Jakobs to leave this college. You two are to never speak to each other again. Ren, you will continue your training to become my successor.”

 

“I will never become you,” Ben spoke.

 

“We shall see, we shall see.”

 

“No. I’d rather be thrown in prison.”

 

“Then so be it. Have a nice life, Ren.”

 

“No! Stop, please. I’ll leave, okay? Just don’t punish him.” Rey begged, moving forward.

 

She grabbed Ben around the bicep, pulling him into her protectively. She would not let him take the fall for this. He would go to prison; she couldn’t live knowing he was dying a bit each day in a cell.

 

“No, Rey,” Ben pleaded.

 

“Please let me do this.”

 

“Don’t ruin your future for me. I promised that I would never leave you again and now you’re leaving me.” Ben’s lower lip trembled slightly.

 

Her hand intertwined with his and she brought his knuckles to her lips.

 

 _It’ll be okay. We’ve survived worse._  

 

“Ah, young love, such a foolish emotion.”

 

It was Rey’s turn to yell. “You’re the foolish one. You know nothing of love or family and I feel sorry for you.”

 

Rey glared at him, the monster had the audacity to look pitiful. But then his expression altered again. He licked his lips and shook his head woefully.

 

“You’ve got the spirit of a true Skywalker, and for that, you will die,” Snoke whispered.  

 

Ben went rigid beside her, his head snapping to look at Snoke.

 

“Did you just make a threat on her life?”

 

Snoke smirked. “And if I did?”

 

Ben pushed her back behind him. His right arm came behind him and wrapped around her, keeping her out of Snoke’s sight. Rey peaked around Ben’s broad frame in order to see what was happening. She could feel him trembling against her, it wasn’t fear as she originally thought, it was rage.

 

“You will not lay a finger on her. If you do, I’ll rip you apart, limb by limb.”

 

One side of Snoke’s face lifted into a disgusting smirk. “I never said _I_ would lay a finger on her.”

 

Ben lunged. “I’ll kill you!”

 

Rey’s hand shot out instinctively and wrapped around his wrist. She tugged with all her strength and thankfully, it was enough to stop him from doing something reckless. Ben paused and dropped his head down to look at her intertwining their fingers.

 

His eyes found hers and she pleaded with him to not do anything stupid. She watched as the emotions danced across his face- anger, annoyance and finally acceptance.

 

“You can try. But I own you Kylo Ren,” Snoke said in irritation as he walked back around to his chair.

 

“That is not my name,” Ben said quietly.

 

Snoke backed into his leather chair, slouching slightly as though the whole situation was a mere annoyance to his day.

 

“You’ll always be Kylo Ren, you can’t shake your destiny.”

 

Ben shook his head. “You’re wrong.”

 

“No, you’re mine, boy. All I have to do is hit send and you’ll never know freedom.”

 

Snoke’s hand trailed towards the keyboard and panic washed over them both. This wasn’t some empty threat, he meant it. He intended to end them both.

 

“No!” Rey shrieked.

 

All the rage she'd kept buried rushed back and buzzed in her veins as she let out an animalistic roar. Ben let out a similar threat, grasping her hand. Something passed between them, an understanding.

 

“I know what I have to do,” Ben whispered, only loud enough for her to hear.

 

A power, a force from deep within her bones ripped from her body. It coiled and hummed, mixing with a same force let off by Ben. It was invisible but Rey could almost see the atoms around her vibrating with potential.

 

Rey glared at Snoke, her lip curling in hatred. Something unspoken passed between Ben and Rey, as though a higher power was instructing them. With their hands still clasped, they raised their opposite hands, concentrating the force towards Snoke.

 

For the first time she saw fear in Snoke’s eyes. He knew it was coming, his undoing.

 

Snoke looked between them when a sizzle erupted from the computer beside him. He tapped the keyboard, looking confused.

 

Suddenly, a powerful gush of wind rushed past the man, causing his suit to move. He grabbed at his chest as though he was trying to claw out his heart. The world stopped as the couple watched in bewilderment. The throbbing in her ears began to slow, until eventually it stopped. It wasn’t until Snoke had collapsed on the desk that she realized it was his heartbeat.  

 

“Holy fucking shit. What was that?” Ben asked, gasping for air.  

 

“I don’t know but I never want to experience that again,” Rey said.

 

Her lip trembled and tears slipped over onto her cheeks. She wiped them away harshly, realizing that she wasn’t crying for him, she was crying for them.

 

Rey blinked. “Did we just kill him?”

 

Ben’s eyes widened, fumbling for his phone. “I think so. Shit. I need to call for help.”

 

Ben disappeared out of the door, his phone pushed up against his ear. Rey heard him yell something to someone just outside the door. Rey couldn’t but help but stare at the vile man’s body. Her instincts took over and she dragged his limp body from his chair, depositing him onto the floor. She dropped to her knees beside him, searching for a pulse. Nothing.

 

She began to press against his chest, she didn’t know why. The monster did not deserve it. Moments later his assistant came barrelling in, speaking in words Rey couldn’t make out. The assistant pushed Rey out of the way, taking over the CPR. A small part of her was glad because she wasn’t entirely sure that she would find the compassion to continue.

 

She watched on as the scene carried on in front of her. She just killed a man. He deserved it, the world would be a better place without him. But they had still taken a life from someone. Could she live with that?

 

Rey could hear the chattering outside the office, Ben’s voice far more distinct from the rest. Ben flung the door open, paramedics in tow and Rey felt as though she could breathe again. The paramedics began working on Snoke’s frail lifeless form. Rey wasn’t a professional but she knew it was futile, he was long gone.

 

She felt Ben’s arm come around her shoulders and embrace her. She curled into him, breathing in his scent. She finally let it go, bursting into tears. His hand worked calming circles on her back as he let her sob into his shirt.

 

The two watched as the paramedics carted Snoke off on a stretcher. They were left alone, staring at the spot where his body laid seconds ago. The only evidence of what had transpired was the wrapping from the IV line.

 

“What are we going to tell them, Ben?”

 

He took a deep breath. “The truth.”

 

“What?”

 

“Everything. You, me. That we’re soulmates and grew up together. That we had…have a relationship even though you are my student. We came to talk to Snoke about this relationship.”

 

Rey paused. Yes, that was the truth but there was one very important detail he left out. In the eyes of the law, they were both criminals.

 

“What about the blackmail?”

 

“Leave that out. We argued because he wanted to expel you. He suddenly collapsed. I called for help and you started CPR,” Ben explained confidently.

 

Rey swallowed. “Okay.”

 

He nodded, and he took her face in his hands, whispering, “Just tell them what they want, nothing more. We’re going to get through this.”

 

“I know. I know we will.”

 

Ben leaned in captured her in a soft, caressing kiss. She clung onto the front of his shirt, afraid that if she let go, he would be taken from her.

 

He pulled away from her reluctantly, and rested his forehead against hers.

 

“Kylo Ren and Rey Jakobs, I’m detective Wexley. I would like to have a few words with you both,” the voice of a detective tore the two away from each other.

 

Rey looked over towards the door to see a police officer standing against the frame, a notepad in hand. Rey swallowed nervously before looking back towards Ben. He smiled sadly and nodded once.    

 

* * *

 

 

Rey bounded down Ben’s hallway, her hand curled around her phone.

 

“Did you hear?” she asked breathlessly.

 

Ben gazed up from his phone, his mouth slightly agape. He nodded quickly and placed the phone on the bench.

 

_Senator Snoke killed by a tragic heart attack._

 

The news line had read.  The article glazed over the details of his death, instead choosing to concentrate on his career. It was a shame that the world would never know his true nature. Oh well, he paid for it in the end.

 

Rey threw her arms around Ben, expressing every emotion she had felt over the past week. Both of them answered the detective’s questions, he never once indicated that he suspected foul play. To the rest of the world, the aged senator’s heart had finally given out. Part of her still feared that something would happen.

 

Professor Ackbar took over Snoke’s positon as Dean. Ben and Rey had explained to him the true nature of their relationship. Ackbar wasn’t pleased but there was nothing he could do about it. Ben explained that Rey was not at an advantage in any way, he marked blind. That fact put Ackbar’s mind at ease and he let Rey continue in Ben’s class. She only had a few weeks left after Thanksgiving anyway.

 

Neither of them spoke of what had transpired that November afternoon. Neither wanted to feel that power ever again. They didn’t understand it nor did they want it.

 

Rey’s phone buzzed in her hand and Ben loosened his grip on her so that she could answer it.

 

**_Leia | 0812_ **

_What day will you be back for Thanksgiving?_

_Love you and miss you dearly,_

_Leia xoxo_

 

Tears prickled in Rey’s eyes as she re-read the message. They were such simple words but she would never tire of hearing them. She had a family, she had Ben. She almost had everything that she ever wanted, almost.

 

“Come home, Ben,” Rey whispered up at him.

 

She turned the screen up towards him so that he could see the message. She watched as his face contorted from pain to sadness. Her breath caught in her throat. She felt it then, his strength and clarity.  

 

“Okay,” he said.  

 

“Really?” Rey blinked a few tears away, letting out a sniffle.

 

He nodded. “Yes, it’s time to face my mother again.”

 

Elation ripped from Rey as she burst into the widest grin. Ben smiled back at her. One of his hands came up to cradle the back of her head, holding it closely to his chest while he pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head.

 

She continued to smile into his chest as she thought of the promise she made to Leia.

 

_“He has to come back,” Rey almost demanded._

_“I don’t think he will,” Leia said sadly._

_“I’ll bring him home,” she promised and placed her hand over Leia’s._

 

Rey was always determined to bring him home, she just never thought it would be as her soulmate.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so that happened. 
> 
> truthfully, I was sitting on this chapter for ages because i doubted it so much. would them being able to use the force be too far fetched? possibly but i decided to go with it. i wanted to make it as similar to canon as possible, and what better way than Rey being threatened and our power couple joining up to kill snoke? 
> 
> please let me know what you think xx


	15. Epilogue I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I split the epilogue into two parts. The next part will be up before new year's. Merry Christmas everyone!

Panic.

 

That’s it. That’s all she could feel radiating from him in this very moment.

 

Rey stood hand-in-hand with Ben on the doorstep of his childhood home. The one he hadn’t stepped foot in for three years. The one which belonged to the mother he hadn’t spoken a word to for three whole years.

 

Ben had been her lifeline for ten years and now she was his. He clung to her as though she could turn to ash in his hands at any moment- leaving him to burn alone in the flames.

 

Ben hid behind her like a child. She pushed calming reassurances to him across their bond. She felt him ease up slightly but his fear was beginning to take a hold of him.

 

Rey knew that she had to knock now because Ben Solo was about three seconds away from bolting. And so, she lifted her arm and knocked loudly. Ben’s grip tightened immediately.

 

The wooden door flung open to reveal Leia Organa- Solo. Her hair was grayer and she had more lines in her face since the last time she had seen her. Her age was beginning to show, especially in recent years after the loss of almost her entire family.

 

“Rey!” Leia shrieked and embraced her in a bear hug.

 

Rey’s hand remained in Ben’s.  

 

“Hey, Leia.” Rey smiled into her shoulder.

 

She heard Leia’s breath catch and she froze in her arms. Leia’s head travelled slowly upwards until she gasped. Her arms loosened from Rey’s shoulders and Rey stepped to the side. She watched as a mother looked upon her child again after thinking she had lost him.

 

Ben’s whole body was trembling as he looked down at the tiny woman. Leia reached up so carefully, as though she thought she was standing in front of a ghost. Her small hand came to rest on his cheek. She burst into tears and grabbed Ben’s shirt to pull him down. His large frame collapsed into the arms of Leia and he wept.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Ben apologized through each sob. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Shh, shh. It’s okay. It’s okay. You’re here now.” Leia patted his hair, consoling him.

 

It wasn’t until Rey brought her free hand to her face, that she realized it was wet. She was crying too.

 

Leia pulled herself away from Ben in order to look at him. Her hands where gripped on the front of his shirt like she was holding him upright.

 

“Come inside. Please,” Leia insisted, reaching for Ben’s left hand.

 

His right hand was still being held by Rey. Leia hadn’t noticed or she had chosen not to comment on their intertwined fingers.  Rey gave his hand a reassuring squeeze before she let go, following them inside.

 

Leia shook her head. “I still can’t believe you’re here. My boy, my beautiful boy.”

 

Ben smiled shyly before breaking eye contact with her to look around the house. He relaxed when he noticed that everything was still the same. Pictures of him still lined the walls. She hadn’t thrown them out, choosing not to forget her only child. She had held out hope all this time.

 

 _Are you okay?_ Rey asked him across their connection.

 

He nodded at her before shaking off his coat and offering to take hers.

 

“As much as I want to talk right now. I have things in the oven which will burn if I don’t go and fish them out,” Leia said cheerfully.

 

“I’ll help you,” Rey responded.

 

“Thank you, dear.”

 

Rey gave Ben a small smile before she turned towards the kitchen. That’s when she noticed Leia was still staring at him in disbelief. She shook her head and followed Rey.

 

As soon as the pair had entered the kitchen, Leia’s arms were wrapped around Rey.

 

“Thank you,” Leia whispered. “For bringing him home.”

 

“Of course,” Rey replied.

 

Leia wiped away her tears and busied herself with the food.

 

“I have so many questions. I know he won’t want to answer them so I won’t ask them. Not tonight. I just got him back, I can’t lose him again,” Leia said softly.

 

Rey’s heart hurt. She truly missed her son. She had so many questions but didn’t want to ask him because she worried that Ben would take off again at any mention of the past. Deep down, Rey feared that too.  

 

“You won’t. Give him time and I’m sure he’ll come to you.”

 

“I hope so,” Leia said sadly.

 

“If it’s any consolation, I know what happened. Where he’s been, his reasons for leaving. I can’t say I agreed with them in the beginning but I understand why he did it,” Rey explained.  

 

Leia’s lip trembled, her eyes were glassy. “Does he hate me?”

 

Rey blinked. Her mouth opened in shock. She was numb, unsure of how to console this broken woman.

 

She ran forward and threw her arms around Leia’s shoulders, holding her tightly.  

 

“Oh god, no. He never could. He feels too much but hate for you was never one of them,” Rey promised.  

 

“Thank you. For taking care of him and for bringing him home to us,” Leia thanked her again.  

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Ben sat at the dining table with Rey by his side and Mara and Leia across from them. He felt a pang in his chest as he looked around at the empty seats. Without Luke and his father, it looked solemnly bare. His mother had still set up the cutlery for each of them. Had she set a space for him, also believing him to never return? The thought was sobering.

 

He stabbed at the turkey on his plate, feeling no longer hungry. Rey’s hand came to rest on his knee in comfort. She traced calming circles over his thigh. He looked over to his mother to see if she had noticed but instead was in a deep conversation with Mara. They still hadn’t told their family about their relationship. It wasn’t that they weren’t planning to- it just hadn’t come up yet. Both of them silently agreeing that it was probably best to let them adapt to him being home first.

 

Rey’s hand wandered up a little too far and Ben flinched at the feeling. He shot her a warning glance. She appeared apologetic at first but then a hint of playfulness glistened in her eyes. She bit her lip and looked over to his mother and Mara. What was she up to?

 

Her hand travelled even higher, lightly brushing over his crotch. He jumped and dropped his fork onto his plate in shock. He recovered quickly by taking a sip of his wine as the two women looked over at him. Her hand came to rub the growing bulge beginning to form in his jeans.

 

Ben gulped and glared at Rey, his eyes pleading- for what? He did not know anymore. For her to stop or to keep going? She smirked and threw back her glass of wine.

 

“Would anyone like another drink?” she asked innocently.

 

Everyone around the table declined and Rey excused herself to grab some more from the kitchen. Ben watched her scurry off through narrowed eyes. Two could play at this game.

 

Ben downed the last of his drink and showed his empty glass before pardoning himself. He saw her standing at the bench pouring herself a fresh glass. He carefully placed his own on the countertop.

 

He tiptoed over to her before he wrapped his arms around her stomach. She jumped slightly at the unexpected contact but relaxed back into his chest. He pushed his pelvis into her ass, pushing her against the corner of the bench. She gasped and bent forward. It would be so easy to take her like this. Did it turn her on like it turned him on? Knowing that their family was just beyond those doors.

 

Ben’s large hand gripped gently around her throat, pulling her head back against his shoulder. His lips found her neck and she groaned.

 

“You little minx, teasing me like that,” he growled against her throat.

 

“You liked it,” she bit back.

 

“Mhm,” he hummed.

 

Ben’s hand snaked down the front of her pants and into her underwear. His fingers traced along her folds and he noticed instantly how wet she already was. He moaned at the thought of slipping his dick inside of her. Rey began moving against his hand trying to find some relief. He smiled against her, oh no, if he couldn’t get any relief than neither could she.

 

He tore his hand out of her pants and Rey whimpered at the loss of contact. He flipped her around and pushed her ass against the bench. He crushed his lips against hers, his hand finding the back of her head. He ground against her core and Rey curled her leg around him, allowing better access.     

 

A cough caused the pair to jump apart. Ben twisted his head to see his mother smirking in the doorway.

 

“I came to see what was taking so long. I should’ve suspected this; you guys aren’t subtle.” Leia laughed and stepped forward.

 

Ben shifted his pants as inconspicuously as possible. His previous excitement, immediately disappearing.

 

“You knew about us?” Ben asked.

 

“Honey, I’ve known for years. Even if you weren’t together back then, it was only a matter of time.”

 

Ben looked down at his shoes. “Oh.”

 

“Don’t think I didn’t notice how you have been staring at each other all gooey eyed either.” Leia smiled and pointed her finger at them playfully.

 

Ben laughed. “Mom!”

 

“What? It’s true.” Leia said. “How long?”

 

Rey answered before him this time, “A couple of months. There’s something else… we’re soulmates.”

 

Leia’s eyebrows shot up and she brought her hand to her chest. “Wow. Okay. Okay. I have a lot of questions.”

 

Rey looked between Leia and Ben and sighed. Rey and Ben hadn’t forgotten how in the dark they were about their own bond. Why did it take so long to form? Why can they speak telepathically and see each other although miles apart? And don’t even get them started on that thing with Snoke.

 

“Just as we do. You can ask them but we probably won’t have an answer for you,” Ben said truthfully, running a hand through his hair.

 

Leia considered them for a moment. Her eyes lit up. “I have just the person. Amilyn.”

 

Ben half groaned. He hadn’t seen Amilyn Holdo for years. She was practically his aunt, and acted like his second mother at times. With her bubbly personality and purple hair, Ben struggled to be around her for more than a couple of hours at a time. She was too much.

 

Ben nodded, however. He knew she was their best option. She was a professor in Biology at Coruscant University. She did a PhD in soulmate bonding and the biology behind it. She worked closely with psychologists and chemists to write papers.

 

There was an awkward silence between the three. But Ben didn’t miss the way Leia’s eyes wandered down to Rey’s hand by her side. Ben knew exactly what she was looking for. He cleared is throat and her gaze snapped to his.

 

Leia looked at him through narrowed eyes, silently scorning him.

 

“Ben would you come with me, I need to show you something.” Leia asked sweetly.

 

“Okay,” Ben answered confused.  

 

Ben kissed Rey on the forehead and left her standing in the kitchen as he followed his mother up the stairs. He frowned when she led him to her bedroom and pulled out large wooden box.

 

Ben watched in curiosity as Leia dug through the box, pulling jewellery from inside. It was then that he realized that it was her jewellery box.

 

“Ah ha!” Leia exclaimed, holding a small velvet box in the air.

 

 She walked over to Ben and delicately opened the box before handing in to him. Ben choked when he saw what it was. It was gorgeous. An engagement ring- a fine silver band encrusted with sapphire and diamonds.

 

“It was my mother’s engagement ring,” Leia explained.

 

“Mom,” Ben said breathlessly.

 

“Give it to, Rey.” She smiled and placed her hand over his and the box.

 

He pulled his mother into a hug. Letting all his emotions, apologies, and gratitude be expressed through his touch. “Thank you.”  

 

“Now don’t take ten years to propose. I want grandbabies before I die,” Leia joked.

 

He smiled widely. “Mom, one thing at a time.”

 

 


	16. epilogue II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is it, the final chapter!   
> un'beta'd  
> I hope everyone had a lovely christmas xx

 

 

“Ben!” Amilyn exclaimed as she pulled Ben into a hug.

 

 “Hi, aunty Ami,” Ben said sweetly.

 

“And Rey. It’s been too long since I last saw you both.”

 

Amilyn pulled away and turned to Rey, repeating the gesture. Rey sunk into her arms, immediately realizing how much she had missed the woman.  

 

Ben rubbed the back of his neck. “Ah, yeah. Sorry about that.”

 

“Not to worry.” She flicked her hand and indicated for them to enter her office. “So I hear you two are soulmates.”

 

Rey spoke, “Yes and we would like some answers, if possible.”

 

Amilyn nodded and shut the door. She walked over to the small kitchenette in the corner of the room.

 

“Take a seat. Cup of tea or coffee?” she offered.

 

“Coffee, please,” they said at the same time.

 

Ben and Rey sat in silence while they waited for their coffees to be brewed. Rey fumbled with the hem of her shirt nervously. After all this time, they may have an answer. To break her mind away from the possibility, she gazed around the room.

 

It was bigger than Ben’s and definitely had more items in it. She was the head of the department but they must really like her because her office was almost her own lab. Behind her desk was a bench, decked with a computer, microscope and lab equipment. Textbooks lined her bookshelves and posters decorated the walls.

 

Amilyn carried the mugs over to them, placing them down on the desk before taking her seat.

 

“So what would you like to know?” she questioned while stirring sugar into her tea.

 

Rey looked over to Ben for help. He shrugged.

 

Rey sighed, deciding to start with the question which had been bothering her the most. “First off… why now? After all these years together, why did we suddenly bond now?”

 

“I believe you were always bonded to a degree, from your first touch. Did you ever feel sparks, electricity when you touched?”

 

She thought back to all the times they would get zapped when they held hands.  

 

“Yes, for as long as I can remember,” Rey answered.

 

 

“But nothing extravagant the first time you touched?” Holdo asked.

 

Rey tried to scrape her mind for the first time she touched him. Surely it was within the first few weeks that they had met. Nothing came to mind. There were no fireworks, nothing knocked them off their feet. She would have remembered that.

 

“Nothing I can recall.”

 

“Interesting,” Holdo hummed and flipped through the papers in front of her. “I have the results from your blood work.”

 

“What does it say?” Ben asked eagerly.

 

“You are both clearly bonded. They are the strongest bonds I have seen in all my years of research. It’s remarkable really. These bonds are abundant which indicates to me that you bonded many years ago.”

 

Rey inspected the image in front of her. It was definitely an image taken as though you were looking through a microscope. She hadn’t done biology since high school but she knew enough to know that they were blood cells and they were not meant to look like that. Instead of single circles, they were in bundles, wrapped by gold threads.

 

Ben spoke as she continued to stare, “But why did we only notice recently?”

 

“My educated guess tells me that it was slowly building. That your connection is so strong that it coming to full power all at once would have killed one, if not, both of you. The small changes would have occurred first. When did things start changing for you both?”

 

Ben frowned and looked down at his arm. “My mark on my wrist became darker when I was about nine.”

 

“And my eyes turned green after I met him. From photographs, I’m guessing around two weeks after meeting.”

 

“Interesting. So you both changed at different paces. Ben your mark altered around when Rey was born. And Rey, yours was most likely after you touched Ben for the first time.”

 

“Okay, but why my eyes?”

 

“Honestly, I haven’t the slightest. My prediction? You’re special, you both are. But I may have another theory. Rey, may I look at your wrist.”

 

“Sure. What do you think you’ll see?”

 

Rey pulled up the sleeve of her top and placed her arm on the desk. Holdo opened her top drawer and grabbed what looked like some sort of light. She held it over her wrist and flicked the switch on. A purple light illuminated her skin.

 

“Do you see that? The tissue there is scarred. It’s either your soulmark or you obtained significant trauma there as a very young child.” Holdo explained while pointing to a white smudge underneath her tattoo.

 

“Trauma?”

 

“Someone removed your mark,” Holdo sighed.

 

“Those sick fucks. If I ever find them, I swear I’ll kill them,” Ben growled.

 

Rey felt Ben’s anger peak and her arm shot out to hold his hand.

 

_Ben, it’s okay. They are gone. Out of my life for good._

_I know, it’s just hard to hear. I wish I was there for you._

_You couldn’t have been. Besides, we met because they were assholes._

_True._

Ben let out a soft laugh and Rey grinned at him.

 

Amilyn looked between the two, clearly aware that something was transpiring between them.

 

Rey cleared her throat when she noticed Holdo studying them. “So my mark presented in my eyes?”

 

“The universe’s way of protecting you,” she said proudly.

 

The three sat in silence for a moment, letting it all soak in. Rey traced patterns in Ben’s palm distracting herself and calming him. Holdo smiled at the lovebirds, a sense of happiness and pride welling in her chest.

 

“I observed something just before. It was as though you two were communicating in your head.”

 

Rey smiled. “Yes. We can have conversations. I can hear his voice in my head as though he is whispering in my ear.”

 

Amilyn gasped. “That’s never been recorded before.”

 

“And when we are apart, we can see each other,” Ben piped up.

 

“See each other?”

 

“Like a ghost of the other appears in front of us. I can’t see anything but him, it’s like he’s standing right there with me. But he’s not, he could be on the other side of the campus.”

 

Holdo shook her head in amazement. “That’s incredible. Astonishing. It matches my theory that you are both incredibly powerful beings.”

Rey was finally being to understand how unique they truly were. She couldn’t work out if it made her proud or scared. She looked over to Ben to find that there was no fear in his eyes. He understood it completely. It hit her then, so did she.

 

She was nothing and Ben also saw himself as nothing. They would never match the prestige of their family’s name. But none of that mattered anymore because they were everything to each other.

 

Ben asked the next question and pulled her out of her trance. “The tattoos are normal, we know that. But that massive force which flowed through us that night when we kissed, that is not.”

 

Amilyn considered her answer carefully. “Your bond strengthened. Your ability to see each other opened.”  

 

“Wow.”

 

“So now you know why it would have been so dangerous for your bond to open all at once? And how astonishing you both are?” she said softly, her eyes blazing with admiration.

 

Ben nodded. “I’m starting to.”

 

Rey flicked her eyes over to him and his eyes caught hers. But she didn’t miss the way he was just staring at her left hand in his.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Hi, Leia.” Rey greeted Leia once the two returned home after their meeting with Amilyn.

 

“I’m just going to use the restroom,” Rey informed them.

 

Ben smiled at her as she skipped off down the hallway.  

 

“Did you speak to Amilyn?” Leia asked eagerly.

 

“Yeah, thanks for suggesting that we go see her,” Ben thanked his mother.

 

“No problem. Did you get answers?”

 

Ben wanted to tell her all about what they had learned this morning but there were more pressing matters on his mind right now.

 

“Plenty and I will tell you all about them. I just have to do something first,” he said quickly.

 

He poked his head around the corner to make sure that Rey wasn’t on her way back. His mother looked at him in confusion as he turned on his heel and bolted up the stairs.   

 

He ran down the hallway, until he reached his childhood room. The room he and Rey stayed in last night. The room he had hidden his grandmother’s ring in after Leia gave it to him yesterday.

 

Ben pulled open his top drawer and dug through his socks until he found the velvet box. He opened it, double checking the ring was still there before he slipped it in his pocket.

 

He turned around to see his mother standing in his doorway. His heart nearly leapt out of his chest, thinking it was Rey.

 

“I’m proud of you.” Leia smiled brightly at him.  

 

He took in a sharp breath. “I’m nervous.”

 

Leia gave him a knowing look. “You know she’ll say yes.”

 

He nodded. He was certain she would say yes but it was making him feel sick to his stomach.

 

“I know but it does not make this any easier.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Rey stood by herself in the kitchen, wondering where Ben and Leia were. She was about to go looking for them when she heard footsteps coming down the steps. Leia entered the room first with Ben in tow.

 

Something was off between the pair. Leia was beaming, whereas Ben looked stony. As though he was trying so hard to mask the emotions from his face.

 

“Want to go outside for a bit?” he asked softly as he approached her.

 

She nodded cautiously, a hint of fear jumped out of her. Something was going on and she did not have a good feeling about it. Was it finally becoming too much for him? Had she pushed him to see their family again too quickly?

 

Ben took her hand in his and guided her gently through the back doors.  He stopped by the large oak tree on the hill. The tree they always came sit by to as children. The one they had comforted each other by so many times. Their tree.

 

Ben cleared his throat and took both her hands in his. She gazed up at him.

 

“Rey, I knew from that moment you chased after me that you would be someone truly special to me. I didn’t know back then that I was going to fall in love with you or that we would be soulmates. I had no idea we would be pulled apart and brought back together. You told me once that I broke you down and mended your heart. You did exactly the same thing for me. I had nothing before you came along, no purpose. I was just there.”

 

She watched as his lips trembled slightly and his eyes became glassy. She released one of his hands so that she could reach up and wipe the tear from his cheek.

 

“But now my heart beats only for you and it would surely stop if I was to ever lose you again,” he admitted.

 

“You won’t lose me,” Rey promised.

 

“I know,” he whispered.

 

What else did she have to do to convince him that she was never going anywhere? She belonged to him, completely.

 

So she did the only thing she could think of in that moment. Rey captured his lips in all consuming kiss. She tried to say everything she was thinking with her touch, with her mouth. It must have worked because Ben melted into her, returning her kiss with the same amount of passion.

 

He broke away from her suddenly and Rey opened her eyes to see what the problem was. She noticed that he was looking down between their bodies. Her gaze followed his to find an opened box placed between them. A beautiful ring was positioned inside the box.

 

She gasped.

 

“We may be bonded in the eyes of the universe but I want to be bound in the eyes of the law,” Ben said.

 

The tears had already began spilling onto her cheeks. She knew what he was asking and she knew what her answer was.

 

Ben Solo dropped to one knee in front of her.

 

“Rey, marry me.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was a satisfying end and that you got the answers you needed. 
> 
> thank you to everyone who has commented, left kudos and spread the love for this fic. 
> 
> I also want to say a special thank you to Kylohhh who beta'd a lot of chapters for me. Your editing and suggestions definitely made me a better writer. 
> 
> I have decided to take a much needed break from writing for a while. I have a few ides for future fics, but want to make sure that they are clearly mapped out before I start them. 
> 
> I hope everyone has a fantastic new year and let's hope our 2019 is filled with plenty of reylo. 
> 
> may the force be with you, always.


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